Sedric
I am so sick to death of thinking about what is going on between me and Sedric. I sometimes wish that I had not told any of my friends about us breaking up and am debating on whether or not to tell anymore of them. I know that they are just trying to be helpful. And some of them are actually succeeding. I hate it that people expect me to break down over this, and suggest that I am not being true to my feelings because I am not constantly crying. I have cried. I will cry some more. But I am strong. I know that not everyone can understand how rational I am about this whole sitution. But what would everyone like for me to do, crawl into a hole, drink the pain away, start crying and never stop???? Yes we still live together. Yes I still love him. Right now it is hard for to imagine ever being able to stop loving him. I keep getting different advice from everyone. Be true to yourself. Be honest with yourself. Look to God. Back away from the situation. Find someone else to distract you. And everyone suggests that eventually I will stop loving him or that he is not the right person for me. That's just it...I do think he is the right person and I do not want to stop loving him. It is not an emotion that I can just turn on and off. And in a month from now, or three months, or 6, if that love is gone then what does that mean? Did I ever really love him in the first place. It amazes me that people just get over people they claim to be in love with so easily. I want for things to work out between us, and I am afraid that if I convince myself for even a second that that love is not there or try to push that love away then I am losing the battle. I am not saying that I will wait for him forever, because I won't. But for right now what is wrong with just holding onto the hope that all we need is a little time apart. I think that I will know when the right time for me to let go is. And that time is not now. I will let go when I know that there is no longer any hope of reconciliation. I am sure that I will be lonely for companionship, but I have friends and I am bound to make more. And in a few months I will have my own car and my own apartment. I will be in school. I will volunteering somewhere and hopefully more involved in church.
I could easily go back to "dating around" or "messing around" or finding the "transition/distraction guy" or whatever, but that would just be me comprimising and settling, and getting involved in a lot of drama that I feel I am really above. I really loved and trusted the connection that Sedric and I had. That made the cuddling, kissing, hugging, conversation, and sex so much better. How can I honestly settle for anything less and not feel like my time is being wasted. I am sure that I could hook up with some friend and it would be nice in the moment, but afterwards the sadness would set in. This love has changed me and made me into a better person. I cannot just pretend that he was not, is not, and will not continue to be an important part of my life.
He was the best 2 years and a half years of my life. And right now I feel like the right thing for me to do is to hold on. Hold onto to the love that I feel for him and hold onto to the hope. And to trust that my heart will tell me when the time to let go is.
I could easily go back to "dating around" or "messing around" or finding the "transition/distraction guy" or whatever, but that would just be me comprimising and settling, and getting involved in a lot of drama that I feel I am really above. I really loved and trusted the connection that Sedric and I had. That made the cuddling, kissing, hugging, conversation, and sex so much better. How can I honestly settle for anything less and not feel like my time is being wasted. I am sure that I could hook up with some friend and it would be nice in the moment, but afterwards the sadness would set in. This love has changed me and made me into a better person. I cannot just pretend that he was not, is not, and will not continue to be an important part of my life.
He was the best 2 years and a half years of my life. And right now I feel like the right thing for me to do is to hold on. Hold onto to the love that I feel for him and hold onto to the hope. And to trust that my heart will tell me when the time to let go is.