So we find ourselves here again
So in the usually progression of time, we find ourselves coming full circle. No sooner I leave, I return. No sooner I graduate that I begin school again. No sooner I have love that it is kept at a distance. Fall Semester has begun and I find myself feeling nothing for the idea of being a graduate student. Files have been lost and found in the graduate office filed for my receiving a bit of help concerning a job to pay for my tuition. But it's been months, I've got plans now I've paid my tuition in full without their aid, and now they want to get around to helping me out. Those people have been nothing but trouble for me and I find myself not particularly wanting any job they show to me. And the fact that no one has discussed ANYTHING with me about working patterns, hours, or the entire scheme of things or answered any of the questions I've had about the whole process makes me have less than ample amount of respect for them and really makes me want to abandon the idea of any job that they would give me. However, I need the money and the job experience, but I also find myself not really caring. If there is the possibility that it will foul up my opportunity to study or to see Graham, either by consuming those few days I have with him in December or by ruining a summer that I planned to spend elsewhere, I'm less than eager to take the job.
Now the job that has been leaked to me by one of my professors who recommended me to the director of the museum, was the Mighty 8th Air Force Museum. Which quite frankly is a massive WWII Air Force museum that I have been in love with since I was a kid. Ever since I saw that inner dome in the lobby that was lined with an actual cargo parachute, I knew that I wouldn't mind working there. And in theory I wouldn't. But the reality of the job is being trapped in a room archiving all day and not really doing much else. I would love to be a tour guide or a welcome agent, but those jobs are not available to me. Number one because they don't have enough visitors to make it worth it, and the second is because they have veterans that volunteer for those position. What better person to lead you around a WWII museum than someone who actually fought in it or someone who was actually in the air force. And the fact that gas from my house out to the museum will be heinous is right up there concerning my not really wanting to do it.
My classes began today and I can't say I really like them. Had two today and one tomorrow. Light schedule compared to my earlier years; however, the work load is alarmingly simplistic. But if you think that too often, it'll bite you in the arse. I actually missed my first class yesterday, because I'm an idiot and misread my schedule, which I guess was eventually going to happen, I mean I had been flawless for 4 years. The two I went to today I was less than impressed with but I also wasn't shocked. I suppose they were predictable, such is my life. We've begun our assignments and one of the books I have to read is for my Topics in Southern History class, called Away Down South. I'm not quite sure what to think of that class yet, but if I know Dr. Price, he'll be interesting and the books will be terrible and I'll barely scrape by with a B.
Which brings me to the thoughts that consume me. I still miss England. I'm constantly thinking about Graham and though my life seems to be chugging along and trying to pull me back into the scheme of things, I find myself not being able to leave it behind. My brother and sister talk about maybe I should get a boyfriend who actually lives in this country at which time I laugh at them and say no, Graham's it. And they laugh and say, we'll keep working on it. But when you think about it, if they couldn't get me a boyfriend in the years prior to my meeting Graham, they sure as hell won't be successful now. Ha ha ha. Anyways I'm looking forward to December, and I'm building myself up every day on that thought. The thought of him and of seeing him again. Being in his arms, and as much as proper and stable internet and a webcam and skype help, I find myself longing for him. He pointed out to me that we say we miss each other a lot and that we say we love each other more than we ever did in person. But for me, being so far away, it seems to be the only thing I can say, because it consumes me. And the pain that I can't physically show him I love him, so I feel I need to say it. And when I say it, it is as much for me as it is for him. I used to always be under the impression that no one ever misses me as much as I miss them. That that was always how it was going to be. I would always be thinking about them and they would occasionally think of me, when they were bored or when I called, bringing myself to their attention. But with Graham it's different. He thinks of me. And for someone like me who is constantly thinking of others and is regularly being forgot, it's amazing to have someone who longs for you as you long for them. An astounding feeling that I've never been able to match and probably never will.
So much is changing for my boys and I'm hoping that my not being able to be there doesn't make them think I've abandoned them. I know they'll need me and when they do I'll be where they can find me. Shanna has returned and I really hope it goes well for the 3 of them. But especially for Graham and Ash, they've been through alot and they deserve some kindness. I want love for them. A good and strong love. A love that even Ash can call something real, one who is so true to the singularity of that word. And Graham knows he has a love in me that is so right that he has regained a trust in that word, that he thought he had lost. I love them, and they know this. As for Shanna, I'm not angry with her anymore. I want badly to trust her again, just like the boys long to. And I hope deep down in my soul that she will have some redemption. I love you, Graham with all my soul. I care for you Ashley, you deserve so much better. And hello again Shanna!
Now the job that has been leaked to me by one of my professors who recommended me to the director of the museum, was the Mighty 8th Air Force Museum. Which quite frankly is a massive WWII Air Force museum that I have been in love with since I was a kid. Ever since I saw that inner dome in the lobby that was lined with an actual cargo parachute, I knew that I wouldn't mind working there. And in theory I wouldn't. But the reality of the job is being trapped in a room archiving all day and not really doing much else. I would love to be a tour guide or a welcome agent, but those jobs are not available to me. Number one because they don't have enough visitors to make it worth it, and the second is because they have veterans that volunteer for those position. What better person to lead you around a WWII museum than someone who actually fought in it or someone who was actually in the air force. And the fact that gas from my house out to the museum will be heinous is right up there concerning my not really wanting to do it.
My classes began today and I can't say I really like them. Had two today and one tomorrow. Light schedule compared to my earlier years; however, the work load is alarmingly simplistic. But if you think that too often, it'll bite you in the arse. I actually missed my first class yesterday, because I'm an idiot and misread my schedule, which I guess was eventually going to happen, I mean I had been flawless for 4 years. The two I went to today I was less than impressed with but I also wasn't shocked. I suppose they were predictable, such is my life. We've begun our assignments and one of the books I have to read is for my Topics in Southern History class, called Away Down South. I'm not quite sure what to think of that class yet, but if I know Dr. Price, he'll be interesting and the books will be terrible and I'll barely scrape by with a B.
Which brings me to the thoughts that consume me. I still miss England. I'm constantly thinking about Graham and though my life seems to be chugging along and trying to pull me back into the scheme of things, I find myself not being able to leave it behind. My brother and sister talk about maybe I should get a boyfriend who actually lives in this country at which time I laugh at them and say no, Graham's it. And they laugh and say, we'll keep working on it. But when you think about it, if they couldn't get me a boyfriend in the years prior to my meeting Graham, they sure as hell won't be successful now. Ha ha ha. Anyways I'm looking forward to December, and I'm building myself up every day on that thought. The thought of him and of seeing him again. Being in his arms, and as much as proper and stable internet and a webcam and skype help, I find myself longing for him. He pointed out to me that we say we miss each other a lot and that we say we love each other more than we ever did in person. But for me, being so far away, it seems to be the only thing I can say, because it consumes me. And the pain that I can't physically show him I love him, so I feel I need to say it. And when I say it, it is as much for me as it is for him. I used to always be under the impression that no one ever misses me as much as I miss them. That that was always how it was going to be. I would always be thinking about them and they would occasionally think of me, when they were bored or when I called, bringing myself to their attention. But with Graham it's different. He thinks of me. And for someone like me who is constantly thinking of others and is regularly being forgot, it's amazing to have someone who longs for you as you long for them. An astounding feeling that I've never been able to match and probably never will.
So much is changing for my boys and I'm hoping that my not being able to be there doesn't make them think I've abandoned them. I know they'll need me and when they do I'll be where they can find me. Shanna has returned and I really hope it goes well for the 3 of them. But especially for Graham and Ash, they've been through alot and they deserve some kindness. I want love for them. A good and strong love. A love that even Ash can call something real, one who is so true to the singularity of that word. And Graham knows he has a love in me that is so right that he has regained a trust in that word, that he thought he had lost. I love them, and they know this. As for Shanna, I'm not angry with her anymore. I want badly to trust her again, just like the boys long to. And I hope deep down in my soul that she will have some redemption. I love you, Graham with all my soul. I care for you Ashley, you deserve so much better. And hello again Shanna!