The Reason Why One Should Never Plan (Part 2/2. The Dinner)
Title: The Reason Why One Should Never Plan (Part 2 of 2. The Dinner)
Author: sirenadeplata
Pairing: V/O
Rating: Never good with these. Hard R to NC-17 perhaps.
Request: helethmiel wanted late night dinners, thuderstorms, romance with a side of humor.
Summary: Orlando decides to plan a romantic dinner with Viggo.
Warnings: Potty mouths, use of illegal downloads, questionable romantic materials.
Beta: razzleslash tried to make it pretty. Tarowen, my normal beta cracked the whip and said my first draft was not up to her standards and then threw me off the deep end. Mucho gracias to both.
Disclaimer: This is all a dream. Repeat after me. This is all a dream.
Author's Note: Written for the anglicandoorway fic-a-thon. I had an idea and it isn't quite what I expected. May be more humor than romance. Also, running late in posting this due to reality of being sick, having a sick kid, having to work overtime, and an internet service that won't stay online. Many apologies.
The Dinner
Orlando thinks he’s not sure how a day that started out so perfectly could go to hell in a hand basket so quickly. His Legolas was perfect today. He was so every inch of the haughty perfect prissy battle action elf figure that Legolas is supposed to be. Everyone was praising him for such a good job that he did and Viggo... Well, the look in Viggo's eyes was more than enough to make him want to squeal in happiness like a little fangirl seeing her crush in person. Though that might just be his normal reaction to Viggo at times.
Anyway. As a result of his fabulous acting and that paper agreement he signed for Peter, he got to leave early. Did the last minute shopping, took a long soak in the tub and got ready for the evening. After putting on the outfit that took weeks of careful planning to find the right blend of romantic and “Viggo shag me until I actually grow elf ears and they crown me Queen of Gondor!” He still has tingles from that night that he talked the girls into letting him wear his elf ears home and he’s surprised he didn’t get a call from Sam asking him why she heard him screaming half way around the world. Most certainly it was a night to mark in the book of legends. Though the next day the stupid Hobbits (as he liked to refer Dom and Billy as) had teased him unmercifully for not being able to walk properly as a human, let alone an elf. He’d have liked to see them bend their body like his was bent and come four times. On second hand, no, he wouldn’t like to see that. Ew. Stupid Hobbit sex. Luckily for him he hadn’t been in too many scenes that day, especially ones that required him to ride a horse or run after stupid Hobbits. Of course, Viggo had been in fine form as Aragorn, being all filthy human and almost kingly. Okay, Viggo had strutted around like a rooster and all but crowing. Orlando blushed again, even though it was weeks later, because Viggo still deserved praise for that night.
It was just too bad that Viggo wasn’t going to get his perfect night. Well, elves needed longer time in getting ready and who could control the sky? Orlando gave a small snarl at the nasty rain that was falling down in sheets. There went grilling filet mignons outside. No way for anyone was he going outside in that weather to grill. Of course now that he had developed a phobia of sheets of rain since Hell, he wasn’t leaving the house if he could help it. Anyway, it would be no good for his leather pants and silk shirt to get drenched. At least in cold rain. A hot bathtub on the other hand… Orlando quickly shook his thoughts back onto dinner and away from dancing wet Viggos in the bathtub. The real Viggo would just have to get over having non-grilled filet mignons. The steaks would cook just fine in the oven. Thankful his luck was holding and he shouldn’t have any trouble cooking the brown sugar glazed baby carrots and the jasmine rice.
Viggo was now on the jasmine rice kick after Miranda had told Viggo that she had read that jasmine rice not only gave you energy, but it also increased stamina in the bedroom. Of course, Viggo being Viggo was all for that. So was he, but he’s really curious of how that conversation came about. Though if it worked, perhaps after tonight, he will have to send Miranda a thank you gift for that bit of advice.
When Viggo comes over, he’s all prepared with the glasses of perfectly chilled wine and conversation. He can tell that Viggo really likes the outfit by the way Viggo’s eyes just don’t quite seem to meet his. Well. At least Viggo isn’t drooling over his crotch. And what do you know? Filthy humans do clean up quite nicely. Though for some reason he has developed a strange urge to lick Viggo’s feet. Damn distracting bare feet. Viggo has to plan that on purpose.
Everything is going so well, that he’s wondering how long his luck will hold. Sadly, he should have never questioned, because disaster strikes when Viggo leaned forward for a kiss. A drop of cold water splashed on both of their noses. Then another drop. And then a whole bunch of drops all threatening to destroy the evening. In the time that it takes for Viggo to move the couch and him to get a trash can under the mini waterfall of drops, he smells something burning in a not so nice way. It’s the carrots and they are scorched, along with their glaze. Then as he is trying to save a few of the carrots, there goes the lights. Still he’s not panicking. He’s not stressed. It won’t take any time to steam some broccoli and there is always candlelight. He just has to go and get a few of the ones that Elijah got for him.
So big deal that he accidentally breaks one of the candles that he had out for the romantic dinner. He’s still calm. He’s still got it together. There are more candles and if they don’t match, that’s fine too. Viggo would probably like that anyway. With the other non broken candle lit, he goes to get the candles out of the box that Elijah gave him.
Staring at the contents all Orlando can think is why he never looked inside the box before. He must either be the most trusting person on earth or the stupidest. Right now he feels like he should be sitting in a corner and wearing a tall white cap with the word dunce on it. Because he trusted Elijah to buy romantic things. However, Gollum is right and Hobbits are tricksy and Elijah is so not the sweet person that he thought he was.
In the box are a dozen candles, but they are all penis shaped and in glaring neon colors. Instead of dried rose petals, there are those targets that teach little boys how to aim properly in the loo. Instead of a bottle of vanilla scented massage oil, there is a huge bottle of concentrated industrial lube that he's only heard that gay porn stars use in those orgy flicks. Not that he's ever seen such. Then to make matters worse, there is a dildo that looks more like it was built on the size of a horse instead of a human that makes him want to run from the room shrieking in fear that Viggo might want to use it on him. Also, after looking at the title on the CD that Elijah made for him, he's hesitant to even play it. Sounds of Wild Stray Cats in Heat just does not sound very romantic.
All he can think is that his romantic dinner is ruined and nothing will make it better. All those plans that got him through Hell have just gone up in smoke. All for a stupid joke. Orlando does what any good elf would do…cry.
When Viggo finds him, he’s still on the kitchen floor, in the pantry doorway crying his eyes out. Viggo, at first, is scared that he is hurt, but after hearing bits of the tale, pulls him close and lets him sob the complete sad tale into Viggo's shoulder. The dinner is either scorched, not cooked, or bloody sticky. The candles for the table and the bathroom are all glaring neon penis shaped. Instead of dried rose petals for his beloved slippery wet Viggo, there are piss targets. The romantic music is cats in heat yowling. The massage oil is concentrated lube that might be the only thing that would be able to get a horse's dick dildo in him. And now all his romantic plans that got him through Hell are shot to fucking hell and he can't take his revenge, because he’s pretty sure that Peter tricked him. Because why else would he have to sign an agreement about not playing practical jokes as revenge for Hell. He’s pretty sure that it also said something about he would make certain that Viggo didn’t play any jokes for Hell either. And he’s more than certain that Peter had something about this night in that agreement also.
Viggo, being a wonderful and perfect boyfriend wanted to beat everyone who was in on the joke with Anduril until they are begging forgiveness. Sadly he has to prevent Viggo from doing exactly that. After awhile of Viggo praising him for the very thought of a romantic night and some sweet kisses that make everything a bit bearable, he begins to feel a bit better. Viggo, being always the one to see the possibilities in the most mundane, starts pulling things out of the box. The filet mignons go back in the fridge, because really they didn’t even have a chance to cook. Viggo throws together some stuff and makes them sandwiches. Which isn’t all that bad, since they eat them by candlelight of a few decent candles that he manages to dig up. It helps that Viggo keeps his wine glass filled and plays footsie with him. At dinner’s end, he’s giggly and feeling much better.
Viggo even surprises him with the hot bath. With slippery wet Viggo to hold and caress, who cares if the lights are coming from neon penis candles set up rainbow style. In fact, they are kinda cute. When Viggo starts massaging his neck, Orlando thinks that he could really care less about anything. Honestly, his dreams and plans just couldn’t compare to the reality of skin sliding onto skin. Then when Viggo teaches him a new underwater trick and blows his mind, Orlando thinks that maybe romance is overrated.
But Viggo makes sure that he doesn’t forget that romance is overrated at anytime when they move to the bedroom. It's every bit of what he imagined and so much more. It's lightning from outside highlighting skin in its flashes. It's Viggo kissing him until he can't breathe. Then kissing him some more until Viggo is breathing for him. It's Viggo taking the time to explore every bit of his skin until he's weeping with the feelings shuddering through him. It's Viggo treating him like he's the most precious thing in Viggo's life. It's in Viggo's voice as he says how much he is loved in all the languages Viggo knows. It's Viggo giving so much of himself that he simply forgets all the terrible things and it's only Viggo that remains. It’s romance and love and he knows that he is in love with this beautiful man.
Afterwards, as he falls asleep, listening to Viggo's breathing, he thinks for a moment of how truly lucky he is. Because Viggo made the bad, horrible no good evening into a perfect night. Smiling, he snuggles deeper under his Viggo blanket and dreams happy dreams of Viggo and himself celebrating all their gayness.
The next morning he arrives on set all teary eyed, upset and not speaking to anyone. Viggo is growling at everyone in sight and flashing Anduril around. He overhears Viggo telling the newly arrived back Beanie that the two of them have broken up, because he was insulted by what he thought was gonna be a romantic dinner that turned into a farce. He makes sure that Beanie sees him walking away with tears in his eyes.
Later when Liv corners him, he tells her what the Hobbits and Peter did and how Viggo got angry about everything and didn't listen to the fact that it was a joke played on him by the Hobbits. He knows exactly who was involved in this nasty joke, because Fran couldn’t stand looking at his tears anymore and gave him a copy of the agreement he had unknowingly signed. He makes sure to show Liv the agreement and say that yesterday he had been so happy because he was going to get to spend time with Viggo and now it’s all ruined.
That afternoon, he spots Sean and Liv talking and knows that things are gonna look pretty bleak for the Hobbits and Peter very soon. Ian and Cate have already been fussing over him and Viggo like a pair of parents. Craig and Karl have both been by to check on him every hour almost. Yep. Things are fixing to look very bad for the tricksy director and Hobbits.
Orlando bends his head to hide his smirk. Viggo had come up with a brilliant plan on letting others to do a bit of revenge for them. After all it was cruel to mess up people’s love lives when it could backfire was Viggo’s thoughts on the subject. Himself? Well, merely out for a bit of revenge. It’s just too bad that we won’t be able to hang all over Viggo for a week or more in public - which is the earliest time they think anyone will get a clue that the two of them haven't broke up, it'll be good to watch those stupid Hobbits and silly director hide away from crazy mad Viggo. Anyway, it's not that much of a hardship for them to sneak around to find a place to spend some time together. They had done it a month before anyone found out about them before. It’s true that revenge is a dish best served cold. As for love? Inwardly, Orlando smiles and thinks it's good to be a prissy elf Prince in love with a filthy human King.
Author: sirenadeplata
Pairing: V/O
Rating: Never good with these. Hard R to NC-17 perhaps.
Request: helethmiel wanted late night dinners, thuderstorms, romance with a side of humor.
Summary: Orlando decides to plan a romantic dinner with Viggo.
Warnings: Potty mouths, use of illegal downloads, questionable romantic materials.
Beta: razzleslash tried to make it pretty. Tarowen, my normal beta cracked the whip and said my first draft was not up to her standards and then threw me off the deep end. Mucho gracias to both.
Disclaimer: This is all a dream. Repeat after me. This is all a dream.
Author's Note: Written for the anglicandoorway fic-a-thon. I had an idea and it isn't quite what I expected. May be more humor than romance. Also, running late in posting this due to reality of being sick, having a sick kid, having to work overtime, and an internet service that won't stay online. Many apologies.
The Dinner
Orlando thinks he’s not sure how a day that started out so perfectly could go to hell in a hand basket so quickly. His Legolas was perfect today. He was so every inch of the haughty perfect prissy battle action elf figure that Legolas is supposed to be. Everyone was praising him for such a good job that he did and Viggo... Well, the look in Viggo's eyes was more than enough to make him want to squeal in happiness like a little fangirl seeing her crush in person. Though that might just be his normal reaction to Viggo at times.
Anyway. As a result of his fabulous acting and that paper agreement he signed for Peter, he got to leave early. Did the last minute shopping, took a long soak in the tub and got ready for the evening. After putting on the outfit that took weeks of careful planning to find the right blend of romantic and “Viggo shag me until I actually grow elf ears and they crown me Queen of Gondor!” He still has tingles from that night that he talked the girls into letting him wear his elf ears home and he’s surprised he didn’t get a call from Sam asking him why she heard him screaming half way around the world. Most certainly it was a night to mark in the book of legends. Though the next day the stupid Hobbits (as he liked to refer Dom and Billy as) had teased him unmercifully for not being able to walk properly as a human, let alone an elf. He’d have liked to see them bend their body like his was bent and come four times. On second hand, no, he wouldn’t like to see that. Ew. Stupid Hobbit sex. Luckily for him he hadn’t been in too many scenes that day, especially ones that required him to ride a horse or run after stupid Hobbits. Of course, Viggo had been in fine form as Aragorn, being all filthy human and almost kingly. Okay, Viggo had strutted around like a rooster and all but crowing. Orlando blushed again, even though it was weeks later, because Viggo still deserved praise for that night.
It was just too bad that Viggo wasn’t going to get his perfect night. Well, elves needed longer time in getting ready and who could control the sky? Orlando gave a small snarl at the nasty rain that was falling down in sheets. There went grilling filet mignons outside. No way for anyone was he going outside in that weather to grill. Of course now that he had developed a phobia of sheets of rain since Hell, he wasn’t leaving the house if he could help it. Anyway, it would be no good for his leather pants and silk shirt to get drenched. At least in cold rain. A hot bathtub on the other hand… Orlando quickly shook his thoughts back onto dinner and away from dancing wet Viggos in the bathtub. The real Viggo would just have to get over having non-grilled filet mignons. The steaks would cook just fine in the oven. Thankful his luck was holding and he shouldn’t have any trouble cooking the brown sugar glazed baby carrots and the jasmine rice.
Viggo was now on the jasmine rice kick after Miranda had told Viggo that she had read that jasmine rice not only gave you energy, but it also increased stamina in the bedroom. Of course, Viggo being Viggo was all for that. So was he, but he’s really curious of how that conversation came about. Though if it worked, perhaps after tonight, he will have to send Miranda a thank you gift for that bit of advice.
When Viggo comes over, he’s all prepared with the glasses of perfectly chilled wine and conversation. He can tell that Viggo really likes the outfit by the way Viggo’s eyes just don’t quite seem to meet his. Well. At least Viggo isn’t drooling over his crotch. And what do you know? Filthy humans do clean up quite nicely. Though for some reason he has developed a strange urge to lick Viggo’s feet. Damn distracting bare feet. Viggo has to plan that on purpose.
Everything is going so well, that he’s wondering how long his luck will hold. Sadly, he should have never questioned, because disaster strikes when Viggo leaned forward for a kiss. A drop of cold water splashed on both of their noses. Then another drop. And then a whole bunch of drops all threatening to destroy the evening. In the time that it takes for Viggo to move the couch and him to get a trash can under the mini waterfall of drops, he smells something burning in a not so nice way. It’s the carrots and they are scorched, along with their glaze. Then as he is trying to save a few of the carrots, there goes the lights. Still he’s not panicking. He’s not stressed. It won’t take any time to steam some broccoli and there is always candlelight. He just has to go and get a few of the ones that Elijah got for him.
So big deal that he accidentally breaks one of the candles that he had out for the romantic dinner. He’s still calm. He’s still got it together. There are more candles and if they don’t match, that’s fine too. Viggo would probably like that anyway. With the other non broken candle lit, he goes to get the candles out of the box that Elijah gave him.
Staring at the contents all Orlando can think is why he never looked inside the box before. He must either be the most trusting person on earth or the stupidest. Right now he feels like he should be sitting in a corner and wearing a tall white cap with the word dunce on it. Because he trusted Elijah to buy romantic things. However, Gollum is right and Hobbits are tricksy and Elijah is so not the sweet person that he thought he was.
In the box are a dozen candles, but they are all penis shaped and in glaring neon colors. Instead of dried rose petals, there are those targets that teach little boys how to aim properly in the loo. Instead of a bottle of vanilla scented massage oil, there is a huge bottle of concentrated industrial lube that he's only heard that gay porn stars use in those orgy flicks. Not that he's ever seen such. Then to make matters worse, there is a dildo that looks more like it was built on the size of a horse instead of a human that makes him want to run from the room shrieking in fear that Viggo might want to use it on him. Also, after looking at the title on the CD that Elijah made for him, he's hesitant to even play it. Sounds of Wild Stray Cats in Heat just does not sound very romantic.
All he can think is that his romantic dinner is ruined and nothing will make it better. All those plans that got him through Hell have just gone up in smoke. All for a stupid joke. Orlando does what any good elf would do…cry.
When Viggo finds him, he’s still on the kitchen floor, in the pantry doorway crying his eyes out. Viggo, at first, is scared that he is hurt, but after hearing bits of the tale, pulls him close and lets him sob the complete sad tale into Viggo's shoulder. The dinner is either scorched, not cooked, or bloody sticky. The candles for the table and the bathroom are all glaring neon penis shaped. Instead of dried rose petals for his beloved slippery wet Viggo, there are piss targets. The romantic music is cats in heat yowling. The massage oil is concentrated lube that might be the only thing that would be able to get a horse's dick dildo in him. And now all his romantic plans that got him through Hell are shot to fucking hell and he can't take his revenge, because he’s pretty sure that Peter tricked him. Because why else would he have to sign an agreement about not playing practical jokes as revenge for Hell. He’s pretty sure that it also said something about he would make certain that Viggo didn’t play any jokes for Hell either. And he’s more than certain that Peter had something about this night in that agreement also.
Viggo, being a wonderful and perfect boyfriend wanted to beat everyone who was in on the joke with Anduril until they are begging forgiveness. Sadly he has to prevent Viggo from doing exactly that. After awhile of Viggo praising him for the very thought of a romantic night and some sweet kisses that make everything a bit bearable, he begins to feel a bit better. Viggo, being always the one to see the possibilities in the most mundane, starts pulling things out of the box. The filet mignons go back in the fridge, because really they didn’t even have a chance to cook. Viggo throws together some stuff and makes them sandwiches. Which isn’t all that bad, since they eat them by candlelight of a few decent candles that he manages to dig up. It helps that Viggo keeps his wine glass filled and plays footsie with him. At dinner’s end, he’s giggly and feeling much better.
Viggo even surprises him with the hot bath. With slippery wet Viggo to hold and caress, who cares if the lights are coming from neon penis candles set up rainbow style. In fact, they are kinda cute. When Viggo starts massaging his neck, Orlando thinks that he could really care less about anything. Honestly, his dreams and plans just couldn’t compare to the reality of skin sliding onto skin. Then when Viggo teaches him a new underwater trick and blows his mind, Orlando thinks that maybe romance is overrated.
But Viggo makes sure that he doesn’t forget that romance is overrated at anytime when they move to the bedroom. It's every bit of what he imagined and so much more. It's lightning from outside highlighting skin in its flashes. It's Viggo kissing him until he can't breathe. Then kissing him some more until Viggo is breathing for him. It's Viggo taking the time to explore every bit of his skin until he's weeping with the feelings shuddering through him. It's Viggo treating him like he's the most precious thing in Viggo's life. It's in Viggo's voice as he says how much he is loved in all the languages Viggo knows. It's Viggo giving so much of himself that he simply forgets all the terrible things and it's only Viggo that remains. It’s romance and love and he knows that he is in love with this beautiful man.
Afterwards, as he falls asleep, listening to Viggo's breathing, he thinks for a moment of how truly lucky he is. Because Viggo made the bad, horrible no good evening into a perfect night. Smiling, he snuggles deeper under his Viggo blanket and dreams happy dreams of Viggo and himself celebrating all their gayness.
The next morning he arrives on set all teary eyed, upset and not speaking to anyone. Viggo is growling at everyone in sight and flashing Anduril around. He overhears Viggo telling the newly arrived back Beanie that the two of them have broken up, because he was insulted by what he thought was gonna be a romantic dinner that turned into a farce. He makes sure that Beanie sees him walking away with tears in his eyes.
Later when Liv corners him, he tells her what the Hobbits and Peter did and how Viggo got angry about everything and didn't listen to the fact that it was a joke played on him by the Hobbits. He knows exactly who was involved in this nasty joke, because Fran couldn’t stand looking at his tears anymore and gave him a copy of the agreement he had unknowingly signed. He makes sure to show Liv the agreement and say that yesterday he had been so happy because he was going to get to spend time with Viggo and now it’s all ruined.
That afternoon, he spots Sean and Liv talking and knows that things are gonna look pretty bleak for the Hobbits and Peter very soon. Ian and Cate have already been fussing over him and Viggo like a pair of parents. Craig and Karl have both been by to check on him every hour almost. Yep. Things are fixing to look very bad for the tricksy director and Hobbits.
Orlando bends his head to hide his smirk. Viggo had come up with a brilliant plan on letting others to do a bit of revenge for them. After all it was cruel to mess up people’s love lives when it could backfire was Viggo’s thoughts on the subject. Himself? Well, merely out for a bit of revenge. It’s just too bad that we won’t be able to hang all over Viggo for a week or more in public - which is the earliest time they think anyone will get a clue that the two of them haven't broke up, it'll be good to watch those stupid Hobbits and silly director hide away from crazy mad Viggo. Anyway, it's not that much of a hardship for them to sneak around to find a place to spend some time together. They had done it a month before anyone found out about them before. It’s true that revenge is a dish best served cold. As for love? Inwardly, Orlando smiles and thinks it's good to be a prissy elf Prince in love with a filthy human King.