The Conclusion...My Life Sucks A**
OK OK!!! I may be being hard on myself or just crazy, but I have come to the conclusion that my life has been turned upside down and is planning on staying that way for a while. I do not know what I have done to deserve all this drama but whatever it may be I really am sorry. I am sorry to all the people that I have hurt throughout my struggle to realize where I am at in my life.
Liz, I know that I have been slacking off in the best friend department and overall all together. I have not called once to ask how you are doing with Radiography, Ryan, RA buisness, and most importantly yourself. I have made many plans to come vivst you and all them have broken through. I made the plans to see you on your BD and look...never showed. Your best friend is not there anymore for you. But i do want you to know that I did not plan on standing you up. Once my mom finds out th at I have money she makes me pay her back for bills, my perscription, and anything that I have ever borrowed cash for. My dad is coming around and realizing that I do need finacial help at this time.
I also wanted to thankyou for not ditching me when I left Ferris. That means the world to me and proved to me that you arew my friend and did not put up with when we were roomies. But hey you would have told me becuase that is the type of person you are. You always let out your feeling and emotions. I just wish I could do the same. Let me tell yui I would way better off if I could. Thanks you again.
Also I do want your help. You do not have to go to the extent of making a personal trip to Muskegon to help me find a job, but I do think that I need your help to sanity. I am completely loosing it. I am jobless...but we both said that once I find a job everthing will fall into place. I am starting school in April...which I am not yet sure if I want to go for Radiography or if I want to go for Surgical Tech. HELP!!!!! I do think that talking to CHarles helped me out. I let him know how I felt and let me tell you Liz...knowing that the thought crossed his mind to ditch me really freaks me out and I cannot get it out of my head. Thats all I need is another thing to keep me distance and my mind turning. I do not want to loose him....GOD I DON"T!!! he means the whole world to me and honestly is the reason that I wake up every morning.
I have thought about what it would be like to just get all this shit out of my head...and make my life sooo much easier. But that way out is not what I want to do. Dieing is not the answer. I went through this struggle a few years ago and figured that it would be over. But the thought just keeps lingering. If it can happen two times in my life what am I going to do when the third, fourth, fifth maybe even sixth time comes around??? I just keep looking forward to my big trip with my dad....maybe this will be the answer to my problems.
I finally told my dad that I did not like his Girlfriend. I felt horrible saying it and even regret it a little. I just wanted my emotions laid out in front of him to let him know that I really am taking this way tooo hard. Some people say that it is not even my place to get envolved and how I am on the road to loosing my dad if I keep it up. But this is how I am, my dad and I always talk to eachother even tjhough we had a huge gap between us for a year or so. My boyfriend does not give me any support, he just makes it harder for me to open up. When you constantly have someone telling you that you are wrong and can do nothing about it and to let it go...it makes me feel like I have a choice. Like I have to suck up my feeling to make my boyfriend happy and lie to my dad when he asks if I am ok with things or I can talk to my dad and let him know ALL the things that are getting to me and deal with a pissed off bnoyfriend. I do not even know why he would be upset because it is my dad and my decision.
Well this journal entry is getting really long...too long and I can talk much more about this in tomarrows entry. I need to start talking in this thing more because it makes me feel so much better. I cannot even begin to understand what I a mgoing to do or even sceth out a plan for my future. It seems like it out of my conrol now and I have sit back and wait to see what happens. Destiny really can make or break you and for me it seemed to pick breaking me.
Liz, I know that I have been slacking off in the best friend department and overall all together. I have not called once to ask how you are doing with Radiography, Ryan, RA buisness, and most importantly yourself. I have made many plans to come vivst you and all them have broken through. I made the plans to see you on your BD and look...never showed. Your best friend is not there anymore for you. But i do want you to know that I did not plan on standing you up. Once my mom finds out th at I have money she makes me pay her back for bills, my perscription, and anything that I have ever borrowed cash for. My dad is coming around and realizing that I do need finacial help at this time.
I also wanted to thankyou for not ditching me when I left Ferris. That means the world to me and proved to me that you arew my friend and did not put up with when we were roomies. But hey you would have told me becuase that is the type of person you are. You always let out your feeling and emotions. I just wish I could do the same. Let me tell yui I would way better off if I could. Thanks you again.
Also I do want your help. You do not have to go to the extent of making a personal trip to Muskegon to help me find a job, but I do think that I need your help to sanity. I am completely loosing it. I am jobless...but we both said that once I find a job everthing will fall into place. I am starting school in April...which I am not yet sure if I want to go for Radiography or if I want to go for Surgical Tech. HELP!!!!! I do think that talking to CHarles helped me out. I let him know how I felt and let me tell you Liz...knowing that the thought crossed his mind to ditch me really freaks me out and I cannot get it out of my head. Thats all I need is another thing to keep me distance and my mind turning. I do not want to loose him....GOD I DON"T!!! he means the whole world to me and honestly is the reason that I wake up every morning.
I have thought about what it would be like to just get all this shit out of my head...and make my life sooo much easier. But that way out is not what I want to do. Dieing is not the answer. I went through this struggle a few years ago and figured that it would be over. But the thought just keeps lingering. If it can happen two times in my life what am I going to do when the third, fourth, fifth maybe even sixth time comes around??? I just keep looking forward to my big trip with my dad....maybe this will be the answer to my problems.
I finally told my dad that I did not like his Girlfriend. I felt horrible saying it and even regret it a little. I just wanted my emotions laid out in front of him to let him know that I really am taking this way tooo hard. Some people say that it is not even my place to get envolved and how I am on the road to loosing my dad if I keep it up. But this is how I am, my dad and I always talk to eachother even tjhough we had a huge gap between us for a year or so. My boyfriend does not give me any support, he just makes it harder for me to open up. When you constantly have someone telling you that you are wrong and can do nothing about it and to let it go...it makes me feel like I have a choice. Like I have to suck up my feeling to make my boyfriend happy and lie to my dad when he asks if I am ok with things or I can talk to my dad and let him know ALL the things that are getting to me and deal with a pissed off bnoyfriend. I do not even know why he would be upset because it is my dad and my decision.
Well this journal entry is getting really long...too long and I can talk much more about this in tomarrows entry. I need to start talking in this thing more because it makes me feel so much better. I cannot even begin to understand what I a mgoing to do or even sceth out a plan for my future. It seems like it out of my conrol now and I have sit back and wait to see what happens. Destiny really can make or break you and for me it seemed to pick breaking me.