Looking back on old love, or lack there of . . .
I've been so jaded lately. I seriously hate it. I have horrible feelings I don't want to have. I get a dread at the thought of spending time with people. Normal people, people I spend everyday with, people I love. I get this inexplicable fear. It scares me that I'm scared and I don't know why. I'm just sick of the same old thing. Everyday is exactly the same. I NEED to get out of here. I need to go off and go somehwere else, I don't know where, but there can't be people, or anything. I just need to be by myself. I'm getting avoidant about things. I'll do anything in my power to not have to spend too much time with people.
Maybe it's just because I feel everything has changed. Everyone has someone, but me. Jon and Britt, Kate and Charlie, Caitlin and Eric, Margaret and Justin, the list goes on and I know when people get together they say things won't change, but they ALWAYS do, there's no way to avoid it. I'm not blaming them, I'm sure if I had someone I would be the same, it's just that when I'm with them when they're together, they're in their own little world and it's sweet and it's depressing. I hate having to go to school everyday just to be reminded that no one wants me. No one feels for me. People can say they understand, but they can't, I can't tell my friends really because they would all feel guilty and I don't want that, not at all. I don't know what I want. I want to stop feeling alone.
I hate having this feeling too because I know I'm not the only single person on the planet, but it feels like it. I hate talking about it because I feel like I sound pathetic. I'm not desperate really, I wouldn't just go out with anyone, I still have my standards, but . . . I just don't know how to put in into words. I've noticed it a lot especially now for some reason, there's love all around me and I'm not a part of it. Part of me says I never will be and another part says stop being ridiculous, some day it will happen. Someday has been a long time coming and I'm sick of waiting. I know I'm not as pretty as my other friends and I'm kind of loud at times and I can be ditzy. I know I"m short and fat, I know all of that. I just wish most people could see past that.
I don't know what else to say. I have so many things to say, but I can't put them into words, which is odd for me. I"m usually very good at putting words to feelings and describing. I've always been good with my words. It's been the only thing I'm good at, ever. I just am at a loss for words. I don't want anyone to feel guilty or sorry for me. I have enough sorrow just on my own.
It's not just the couples, it's just I get this jaded feeling about my incredible friends. I don't know why. I'm being really moody lately and I find small things that never bugged me before bugging me more than ever. Maybe I'm just going through something hormonal or maybe I'm jsut changing as a person, I don't know. I just need to pull out of somethings for a while. I'm not really in anything to pull out of though. I just want to have a normal conversation for once. One where no one's complaining or being loud or something just a laid back conversation. I don't get enough of those. There's a lot of talking going on but no real dialogue. I put on this happy face because it's what's expected. Ever since the trauma from last year, I feel like I"m expected to be magically healed and no longer depressed and I'm always happy. I'm not. I feel thinsg breaking apart at the seams.
It scares me that I've become so, I don't know how to put it, scheduled I guess. Everyday it's the exact same thing. I get up, even though I don't want to, I get dressed, do my hair, eat breakfast, catch the bus, semi-talk to danielle on the bus in the morning, go to the caf. and watch all the couples talk as I sit there quietly or I butt into a conversation and quickly drop out when I realize I'm not wanted there. I go to English class where I dread meeting up with Aaron because I know he's going to act like an obnoxious ass. Read or something in English, go to spanish and dread sitting near Aaron again do spanish work. Go to geometry and get an odd almost-dread-like feeling of sitting near cynical, perfectionist Kate Drouin and loud, obnoxious Kate Driscoll while sitting across the room from already described Aaron during this class I "converse" with Kate Driscoll, I like her, I just can only take a little bit at a time. I also ponder why Kate hates Aaron so much when they are really very simialar. I go to bio where I do a lot of bio work, It's my least favorite class so that sucks in itself, I go to study hall to the library with Kate, Maria, Steph, and Flanders. That's crazy and actually not so bad. I go to history, self explanatory, and I go to lunch to eat with the crazy mixed up dysfunctional table I sit at. I go to band, talk to Katherine and Nissa, that's not bad, I'm just not a fan of actually playing my flute. I go on the bus and laugh a while until Sam gets off and then sit silently and listen to my music. I get home and go on the computer and watch TV and go to bed and then do the exact same thing over again. 5 days a week. Saturdays and Sundays are exactly like after school, only all day.
I'm sick of things being so regimented. I don't know why i'm so depressed and feel such horrible feelings about my best friends and I hate it, I truly do. My annoyance factor which before was I could stand basically anything has risen to where I can barely stand anything. I'm moody and I know it's not PMS. I hate to feel like I"m complaining because I have a great life. It's just gotten boring. I've tried spicing things up, note drastic hair cut. It's just not working. I need to shock people I need to shock myself. I need to feel something. I've become numb
If you read this complain fest, props to you and I'm sorry if you feel totally bummed out now. I usually try not to do that. I hope I get over it soon.
Maybe it's just because I feel everything has changed. Everyone has someone, but me. Jon and Britt, Kate and Charlie, Caitlin and Eric, Margaret and Justin, the list goes on and I know when people get together they say things won't change, but they ALWAYS do, there's no way to avoid it. I'm not blaming them, I'm sure if I had someone I would be the same, it's just that when I'm with them when they're together, they're in their own little world and it's sweet and it's depressing. I hate having to go to school everyday just to be reminded that no one wants me. No one feels for me. People can say they understand, but they can't, I can't tell my friends really because they would all feel guilty and I don't want that, not at all. I don't know what I want. I want to stop feeling alone.
I hate having this feeling too because I know I'm not the only single person on the planet, but it feels like it. I hate talking about it because I feel like I sound pathetic. I'm not desperate really, I wouldn't just go out with anyone, I still have my standards, but . . . I just don't know how to put in into words. I've noticed it a lot especially now for some reason, there's love all around me and I'm not a part of it. Part of me says I never will be and another part says stop being ridiculous, some day it will happen. Someday has been a long time coming and I'm sick of waiting. I know I'm not as pretty as my other friends and I'm kind of loud at times and I can be ditzy. I know I"m short and fat, I know all of that. I just wish most people could see past that.
I don't know what else to say. I have so many things to say, but I can't put them into words, which is odd for me. I"m usually very good at putting words to feelings and describing. I've always been good with my words. It's been the only thing I'm good at, ever. I just am at a loss for words. I don't want anyone to feel guilty or sorry for me. I have enough sorrow just on my own.
It's not just the couples, it's just I get this jaded feeling about my incredible friends. I don't know why. I'm being really moody lately and I find small things that never bugged me before bugging me more than ever. Maybe I'm just going through something hormonal or maybe I'm jsut changing as a person, I don't know. I just need to pull out of somethings for a while. I'm not really in anything to pull out of though. I just want to have a normal conversation for once. One where no one's complaining or being loud or something just a laid back conversation. I don't get enough of those. There's a lot of talking going on but no real dialogue. I put on this happy face because it's what's expected. Ever since the trauma from last year, I feel like I"m expected to be magically healed and no longer depressed and I'm always happy. I'm not. I feel thinsg breaking apart at the seams.
It scares me that I've become so, I don't know how to put it, scheduled I guess. Everyday it's the exact same thing. I get up, even though I don't want to, I get dressed, do my hair, eat breakfast, catch the bus, semi-talk to danielle on the bus in the morning, go to the caf. and watch all the couples talk as I sit there quietly or I butt into a conversation and quickly drop out when I realize I'm not wanted there. I go to English class where I dread meeting up with Aaron because I know he's going to act like an obnoxious ass. Read or something in English, go to spanish and dread sitting near Aaron again do spanish work. Go to geometry and get an odd almost-dread-like feeling of sitting near cynical, perfectionist Kate Drouin and loud, obnoxious Kate Driscoll while sitting across the room from already described Aaron during this class I "converse" with Kate Driscoll, I like her, I just can only take a little bit at a time. I also ponder why Kate hates Aaron so much when they are really very simialar. I go to bio where I do a lot of bio work, It's my least favorite class so that sucks in itself, I go to study hall to the library with Kate, Maria, Steph, and Flanders. That's crazy and actually not so bad. I go to history, self explanatory, and I go to lunch to eat with the crazy mixed up dysfunctional table I sit at. I go to band, talk to Katherine and Nissa, that's not bad, I'm just not a fan of actually playing my flute. I go on the bus and laugh a while until Sam gets off and then sit silently and listen to my music. I get home and go on the computer and watch TV and go to bed and then do the exact same thing over again. 5 days a week. Saturdays and Sundays are exactly like after school, only all day.
I'm sick of things being so regimented. I don't know why i'm so depressed and feel such horrible feelings about my best friends and I hate it, I truly do. My annoyance factor which before was I could stand basically anything has risen to where I can barely stand anything. I'm moody and I know it's not PMS. I hate to feel like I"m complaining because I have a great life. It's just gotten boring. I've tried spicing things up, note drastic hair cut. It's just not working. I need to shock people I need to shock myself. I need to feel something. I've become numb
If you read this complain fest, props to you and I'm sorry if you feel totally bummed out now. I usually try not to do that. I hope I get over it soon.