I wrote out about six pages of goals for the new year.. I really sat
thinking about what I want in the new year and well this song came to
mind...
More holiness give me, more strivings within.
More patience in suffering, more sorrow for sin.
More faith in my Savior, more sense of His care.
More joy in His service, more purpose in prayer.
More gratitude give me, more trust in the Lord.
More zeal for His glory, more hope in His Word.
More tears for His sorrows, more pain at His grief.
More meekness in trial, more praise for relief.
More purity give me, more strength to o’ercome,
More freedom from earth-stains, more longings for home.
More fit for the kingdom, more useful I’d be,
More blessèd and holy, more, Savior, like Thee.
I slept through church today so I went to a different ward.. There have
been so many things that have been on my mind lately and in the meeting
I heard everything I needed to.
I think I had an epifany and well heres
how I see it.... The Lord WILL make an impact on your life IF...... You
give him the Opportunity to do so.
" The man who removes a mountain
must first start by carrying the small stones and pebbles"
With all the new goals I have set I need to keep in mind that
everything cant be fixed at once and that change takes TIME.
Negative factors in my life.... I AM REMOVING. Why let things strss me
out?
I am taking dance again. It was such a good release before plus
its cheap lessons from Eva.
POSITIVE ATTITUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok this is HUGE.. I have decided that no matter what crap is thrown at
me this semester I am going to try and remain positive. I was such a
negative nancy and I dont like looking back on it. It seems like I just
brought everyone else down.
I went for a drive with Kate tonight. I
really cherish our drives. I know that probably sounds ridiculous but
there is such comfort in the act and well I can't really explain it. I
LOVE L O V E when I can be in complete silence with someone and be so
comfortable and know exactly what they are thinking. I think there are
only a select few in my life that I can really do that with and I miss
being able to not do anything and not even have to talk with Kate and
having the most profound silent conversations. Silence says so much
some times AHHH i miss it. I did that alot with Chris too.. we would
just look at eacother and just know things were good. haha and then he
would smile a little =)
Honesty is a lonely word. I dont understand how I am supposed to both
embrace the shame that comes with acknowledging the weight of my
decisions and at the same time whole heartedly affirm my innate worth
and value I have in being a bearer of Gods image. Such a juxtaposition
shards my soul into a thousand pieces and I cant even begin to start
picking them up because I have a hard time figuring out which
particular fragment I should be identifying with. The fact that a
single soul can experience such seemingly mutually exclusive emotions
makes the infinite/finite problem seem like such childs play.
"I know you. You're a young guy with clear skin and perfect teeth and
the kind of job you're proud to write the alumni association about.
You're too yound to have fought in any wars and if your parents weren't
divorced, then your father was probably never at home. Maybe you really
are thinking about some paine-free free-range potluck you went to last
weekend or the the earths depleted ozone or the desperate need to stop
cruel product testing on animals, but probably not"-- Fight Club
A sign of something significant is when a person can be passionate
about things that really do matter without it stemming from a sense of
needing to be meaningful or feel better about themselves. Often times I
agree with people in order to so just that; which in turn defeats the
purpose of thinking in this manner in the first place... Somehow the
pursuit of knowledge becomes its own deterrence . I also think that a
lot of people who are always talking about how bad the economy is , how
jmuch we need to helo the poor, how much the media controls our lives,
how much
racism is a problem, how badly we need to socialize medicine, how
messed up America is, how we need to protect the rainforests, how
inhumane it is to eat meat etc..... care because it distracts them from
emotional pain and gives them a cause or purpose to make their life
worth living....
I am in a fight club quoting mood sorry heres another one with a little
rambling afterwards
"I see the strongest and the smartest men who have ever lived... and
these men are pumping gas and waiting tables."- fight club
People need to wake up and look at their surroundings. Learn from
everyone you encounter grow from each encounter made each conversation
every gesture. Take in whats around you let your surroundings
completely take a hold and help shape who you want to become. Today now
monday is going to be my last day in AZ. I am going to go for a drive.
It will be good. Being home felt amazing. Its going to be hard to go
back to the cold and back to BV.
Alrite im done for now
December 20th - Christmas Week almost home
I cant decide if I am indecisive or if I just dont like to decide. I
think I just hate the weight of a decision being on my shoulders. If it
ends up being a good decision than GREAT but otherwise I just wish
someone else could decide things for me. I believe I would be much
better off sometimes.
WOW so this morning was my first real east coast winter experience. I
woke up because the wind was blowing so loud. There is snow on the
ground and the temperature is about 15 degrees and there are winds of
30mph EEK! Coming back after winter break is going to be hard. It has
been in the 70s in AZ. Madness I tell ya! I am going to be laying out
haha while everyone is in there sweaters. Man what I used to think was
cold... I was way off base. I am going to die when I get back to BV. oh
well.. I just need to buy some winter clothes. "LAYERS BABY its all
about LAYERS" said in the shrill creepy voice of my friend daniel. I am
learning there is a lot to east coast style in the winter. I think alot
of "style" goes out the window when you live in a town like Buena
Vista.
I was at this company hotel party my friend was DJing the other night.
It was quite the experience. The reason I bring this up is that I love
to watch people and this was such a great opportunity to do so. I
wonder what it is about when people grow old that makes them have no
social etiquette or boundaries while on the dance floor. I think that
when one grows old you get stuck in the time period of your teen
years... and this can be very frightening to watch in action. Old
people of all ages dancing to their little hearts content to the same
song but in very strange different ways. I learned half way into the
evening that the party was for a trucker company. It explained some of
the individuals attending the function. This party was a "black tie
affair" and well this one man stood out I guess you could say. He and
his wife were quite the site to see. The man dressed in a long sleeve
flannel shirt, big belt buckle and dirty old boots and what really
topped off his outfit was his out of control feathered mullet. His wife
looked like a big plum with gold trimming. Her dress stopped a little
above her knees but poofed out so much you would think she had someone
else in there with her... I know this was part of the style but her big
caboose made things look even bigger than they were. " Objects in the
mirror may be larger than they appear" haha well any way she had this
headband/tiara on her head it was gold, to match the lace on her so
called gown and had a metal flower. It looked like she picked it up at
a teenage shopping outlet. Her hair was feathered and scraggely* and
when she smiled the disco ball reflected off of her beautiful braces.
The man in his flannel shirt was so funny all night though.. he didnt
step off of that dance floor once. He was probably one of those kids
peers cheered for at highschool dances, just because his dancing was so
horrid and made them laugh.. I think this
is a vicious cycle because it has probably been happening his whole
life and now he thinks he is the dancing king(insert abba music).
Anways there was this once couple that was soo classy. They were
without a doubt adorable. They were dancing to Frank Sinatra when I
first saw them. They way they looked in one anothers eyes made me feel
so girly and I think I may have sighed a little. They looked so in
love. I want to look that in love when I am that old. Anyway hmmm there
was lots more to describe but I am sure you get the picture. Steve had
me sing on the microphone..at a party I wasn't invited to .... that is
just funny.
Christmas is in a couple days WIERD. This is the first year I have
actually seen snow during Christams week. I dont know how well I would
do permanately living on the east coast. I think I wouldnt know what to
do in a cold christmas environment.
I am going to try and go back to bed..