Tonight - wondering a lot "I can almost feel the memory of last night fading."
Tonight was mixed with emotions of happiness anger confusion curiosity gratefulness and awe. Sometimes I wonder if people are wondering what I am thinking as I wonder what they are thinking. I wonder if anyone else wonders about what people are thinking about in a moment exactly as its happening between two people and one of them is you. I wonder if people ever look at me and think good things or look at me and think bad things. I wonder if my music will ever take me anywhere.. where I want to go. I wonder if I will ever find a good LDS guy to date. Hanging out with a guy like rob tonight made me think about that a lot. DO I deserve anyone like that. Will I ever get a guy like that to care about me the way I want. Who knows. I do not hang out with very many LDS kids. I wish I did. I wish I had friends that had the same standards as me, so it wouldnt feel like such an enormous battle everyday. I wish that I could go and do fun things with fun kids like that. I see all their little groups and all I ever wanted was to be in one. I wasnt ever. I wish I did not feel soo threatned and scared when I did go to seminary.. maybe I would still be going. I wish I would take more time to read my scriptures not just read them but to really know them. I wish I could go on one real date with an LDS guy before highschool is through.. I know it wont happen. I wish people saw me the way I want them to. I wish I was a girl that people were drawn to. I wish I could always stand up for myself. I am glad robert came down to Mill tonight becuz haha otherwise my guitar probably would have been smashed. It makes me happy that the reason he came down there was because he was "worried". I didn't really think anyone worried about me now a days. Certainly was not expecting that from someone whos barely talked to me in person. It was refreshing. WHY cant I learn from my mistakes. Why do I keep getting in fights with Chris... why am I even dating him... I dont know anymore!? should I just end it.. Its going to be ended soon regardless becuz of the move. I keep talking myself out of moving... WHY? what is here for me? what could be gained from staying? I am not quite sure. I am not quite sure what "running way" from home is gonna do for me besides get me out of my house I just dont know. I think VAL really needs me there though. She doesnt really have any friends now and I think I need her too because she helps me get things... understand things that I would never be able to and helps me make decisions. Man graduation is soon MAY 20TH ahhh!like 5 weeks! I have soo much to do and so little time its stressing me out. Why oh Why cant I just make decisions... the whole process stinks. When will I know!?!? oh man well i gotta go talk to chris OH JOY!
here we go
here we go