alcohol coming through the pores.....
awwww, what a web we weave....
i have drank from thursday at 6:00 to now at 8:22. that is approximately what? 74 hours of drinking. and u know what is sooooofuckingfunny? i am sober as a judge! i have officially drank so much that i am sober. hah.
so here's what happened. since i can no longer even refer to him by his name like he's an ordinary person with morals and heart, his official name will be lying-mothafucker....so let us rewind....
i have been avoiding lmf for some time now, but still under the most ignorant notion that he "deeply cares for me" but it gave me great power to not answer his calls. well on monday, i answered one, and he tells me that his parents are going outta town, and do i want to play hubby and wife for the weekend. i said no.
thursday, walk into work to have amanda tell me that nick mims told her all of him and bretts latest escapades. such as going to p.c. and filming a bunch of 18 yr old sluts run around topless and act like jenna jamison, also to the fact that he has been getting it on with some married chicks. these were the highlights that amanda could remember b/c she was too stone to remember the rest.
stupidly, i call him right away before letting the news settle in and tell him that i want to see him and we need to talk. he asks if he's in trouble....fucking clue right there eh?
so i tell him that i know everything and how could he do this to me? and after i realize that who screws is really none of my business b/c we are not committed. i go into
1) how could he lie to me? how can he tell me that he doesn't sleep with anyone but me. not only is it my deepest hatred to be lied to but also, i am not a slut. therefore, i do not want to sleep around which means that i am not real fond of std's like those chicks might be.
2) i have made tremendous effort in the past 2 months to try to get together to work things out. but he says he's busy all the time with work so i feel bad about being a little pissy with him, but then realize that he is a hard worker. but HE IS NOT. obviously he has time to go to PC and meet married chicks and what not. so why the hell won't he make time for me?
3) given all this the signs would be clear that he is not interested in me. however...then WHY THE FUCK TELL SOMEONE THAT ONEDAY U SEE YOURSELF MARRIED TO THEM AND THINK THAT THEY ARE PERFECT AND JUST WAIT FOR TIME TO GET SETTLED AND THINGS WILL WORK OUT. WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
so i tell him horrible things. i tell him all this and after about 15 minutes of being hurt i get pissed! i tell him he is white trash, and always will be. if he wants his weiner to fall off by some skanks diseases fine by me. he lost the best thing he ever had. that he should have filmed us b/c he will never touch me again, and also that i never want to see him or talk to him again. i told him he broke my heart. that sentence hurt more than anything else. then i pushed him into an electrical box. prick.
so last night...i have listened to blues and country to ridiculous extremes and am now on first name basis with the liqour store on east cherokee. i realize at around 1 am, that maybe i shouldn't have said some of those things. so i convince my friends that i know what i am doing and after i pry my phone from their hands i call him. can u fucking believe i called him?!!!
half wanting to apologize and half wanting to see what he was doing the weekend we were gonna play family...i call, and a girl answers the phone. i break into hysterical laughter (apparently i thought it was funny) and passed out.
i don't know what to believe, granted mims is not the most credible source. but i do know that for the first time truly, my heart was, is, broken. i know i will get over it. i know its for the best. what i can't figure out is why? why do this to someone u say u care about? and if this were someone else's story i would say "u dumb biatch, thats cuz he DOESN'T care. but i thought i knew him. i thought deep,deep down he had a good heart, a good soul. if i could just be patient enough for him to grow outta that teenagey partying bullshit, that he would be great. and i still wonder if there is hope.
but really why should i give a shit?
i can't wait for the day i don't.
and the day i don't look at my phone every few minutes to see if hes called.
mostly though, i feel sorry. sorry for the next fool who dates me.
i was guarded before. untrusting and bitter.
there is no word for what i am now.
and for that i will never forgive him.
i have drank from thursday at 6:00 to now at 8:22. that is approximately what? 74 hours of drinking. and u know what is sooooofuckingfunny? i am sober as a judge! i have officially drank so much that i am sober. hah.
so here's what happened. since i can no longer even refer to him by his name like he's an ordinary person with morals and heart, his official name will be lying-mothafucker....so let us rewind....
i have been avoiding lmf for some time now, but still under the most ignorant notion that he "deeply cares for me" but it gave me great power to not answer his calls. well on monday, i answered one, and he tells me that his parents are going outta town, and do i want to play hubby and wife for the weekend. i said no.
thursday, walk into work to have amanda tell me that nick mims told her all of him and bretts latest escapades. such as going to p.c. and filming a bunch of 18 yr old sluts run around topless and act like jenna jamison, also to the fact that he has been getting it on with some married chicks. these were the highlights that amanda could remember b/c she was too stone to remember the rest.
stupidly, i call him right away before letting the news settle in and tell him that i want to see him and we need to talk. he asks if he's in trouble....fucking clue right there eh?
so i tell him that i know everything and how could he do this to me? and after i realize that who screws is really none of my business b/c we are not committed. i go into
1) how could he lie to me? how can he tell me that he doesn't sleep with anyone but me. not only is it my deepest hatred to be lied to but also, i am not a slut. therefore, i do not want to sleep around which means that i am not real fond of std's like those chicks might be.
2) i have made tremendous effort in the past 2 months to try to get together to work things out. but he says he's busy all the time with work so i feel bad about being a little pissy with him, but then realize that he is a hard worker. but HE IS NOT. obviously he has time to go to PC and meet married chicks and what not. so why the hell won't he make time for me?
3) given all this the signs would be clear that he is not interested in me. however...then WHY THE FUCK TELL SOMEONE THAT ONEDAY U SEE YOURSELF MARRIED TO THEM AND THINK THAT THEY ARE PERFECT AND JUST WAIT FOR TIME TO GET SETTLED AND THINGS WILL WORK OUT. WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
so i tell him horrible things. i tell him all this and after about 15 minutes of being hurt i get pissed! i tell him he is white trash, and always will be. if he wants his weiner to fall off by some skanks diseases fine by me. he lost the best thing he ever had. that he should have filmed us b/c he will never touch me again, and also that i never want to see him or talk to him again. i told him he broke my heart. that sentence hurt more than anything else. then i pushed him into an electrical box. prick.
so last night...i have listened to blues and country to ridiculous extremes and am now on first name basis with the liqour store on east cherokee. i realize at around 1 am, that maybe i shouldn't have said some of those things. so i convince my friends that i know what i am doing and after i pry my phone from their hands i call him. can u fucking believe i called him?!!!
half wanting to apologize and half wanting to see what he was doing the weekend we were gonna play family...i call, and a girl answers the phone. i break into hysterical laughter (apparently i thought it was funny) and passed out.
i don't know what to believe, granted mims is not the most credible source. but i do know that for the first time truly, my heart was, is, broken. i know i will get over it. i know its for the best. what i can't figure out is why? why do this to someone u say u care about? and if this were someone else's story i would say "u dumb biatch, thats cuz he DOESN'T care. but i thought i knew him. i thought deep,deep down he had a good heart, a good soul. if i could just be patient enough for him to grow outta that teenagey partying bullshit, that he would be great. and i still wonder if there is hope.
but really why should i give a shit?
i can't wait for the day i don't.
and the day i don't look at my phone every few minutes to see if hes called.
mostly though, i feel sorry. sorry for the next fool who dates me.
i was guarded before. untrusting and bitter.
there is no word for what i am now.
and for that i will never forgive him.