things in the park
No seriously. The first of them is a potted version of King John I wrote for faithhopetricks, who just went to see a production thereof. She thought I should post it, so here it is.
NB that the emphasis on Arthur being pretty is completely from the text. If anything, I toned it down.
SCENE 1: ENGLAND
FRENCH AMBASSADOR: Hey, the King of France says your nephew Arthur should be king and not you!
KING JOHN: Tell him to bite me.
FRENCH AMBASSADOR: Of course you realize, this means war!
KING JOHN: Awesome!
PHILIP "THE BASTARD" FAULCONBRIDGE: Hey, my brother says I'm illegitimate!
KING JOHN: Dude, you are clearly the Lionheart's kid.
BASTARD: Awesome!
SCENE 2: FRANCE
KING PHILIP OF FRANCE: Hey, people of Angiers, let us in!
KING JOHN: No, let us in!
PEOPLE OF ANGIERS: we're not doing anything until you figure out which one of you is King of England.
BASTARD: Hey, why don't we slaughter them first and then work it out?
KING PHILIP AND KING JOHN: Awesome!
PEOPLE OF ANGIERS: Better idea! Why doesn't King John's niece marry King Philip's son? Then nobody needs to slaughter anybody!
EVERYONE: Okay!
CONSTANCE (ARTHUR'S MUM): OMG DIAF EVERYONE.
CARDINAL PANDULPH: O HAI King John, we were wondering why you don't like our choice for Archbishop of Canterbury.
KING JOHN: He smells and his Pope dresses him funny.
CARDINAL PANDULPH: No sacraments for you until you behave. Are you with us, King Philip?
KING PHILIP: Well, this is really awkward.
KING JOHN: Come on, Phil, Rome sucks.
KING PHILIP: But I don't want to be under interdict! Sorry, John, I'm breaking up with you and my ambition to sleep with all of Henry II's sons will have to go unfulfilled.
KING JOHN: This is not awesome.
BLANCHE (JOHN'S NIECE): Well, this is going to make my wedding night really awkward.
SCENE 3: FRANCE.
KING JOHN: Ha ha, we captured Prince Arthur. Who's King now?
ARTHUR: My mom will be so bummed.
KING JOHN: Hey Hubert, you know what would be really awesome? If you could pick up on my orders without my having to say anything. Wouldn't that be cool?
HUBERT: Yeah, it would!
KING JOHN: On that note, I hear you're going to be babysitting Arthur.
HUBERT: Yeah, I'll take care of him for you.
KING JOHN: I want you to kill him, dumbass.
HUBERT: I got that.
SCENE 4: STILL FRANCE.
CONSTANCE: I HATE MYSELF AND WANT TO DIE. BUT I HATE YOU GUYS MORE.
LOUIS (THE DAUPHIN): Well, that was depressing.
CARDINAL PANDULPH: Hey, you know what you should do, Louis? Invade England.
LOUIS: Okay!
SCENE 5: ENGLAND. A PRISON
HUBERT: Hey, Arthur, come here! It's time for me to burn your eyes out with pokers!
ARTHUR: zomg noooooooo!
HUBERT: Oh, I can't do it, you're so cute. I'll just tell King John i did it.
ARTHUR: Yay!
SCENE 6: KING JOHN'S PALACE
NOBLES: Hey, you know what would be cool? If you let that cute kid Arthur go. He’s just so cute.
KING JOHN: Um, yeah, about that.
NOBLES: OMG you killed him didn't you? You asshole. He was so pretty!
HUBERT: O HAI!
NOBLES: ZOMG you had this guy kill him. You are totally not King anymore, John.
KING JOHN: Crap.
BASTARD: Hey, everyone's totally up in arms against you. Including the French, actually.
KING JOHN: Once again: crap.
HUBERT: So about Arthur...
KING JOHN: You moron! When I said "kill him" I didn't mean "kill him."
HUBERT: Well, good, because I didn't.
KING JOHN: Awesome!
SCENE 7: THE PRISON FROM SCENE 5.
ARTHUR: I'm going to escape by jumping out the window! Here's hoping i survive the jump.
ARTHUR: *jumps*
ARTHUR: Well, that was a bad idea. *dies*
NOBLES: ZOMG it's Prince Arthur! He is dead! This is the worst thing anyone has ever done because he was so pretty! We're going to go join the French now!
HUBERT: Don't look at me! He was fine when I left.
BASTARD: If you did this I am totally going to kill your ass.
HUBERT: It's not my fault he was too dumb to live!
BASTARD: Point taken.
SCENE 8: THE COURT.
KING JOHN: ...and tell the Pope I am very sorry for being a naughty boy.
CARDINAL PANDULPH: Now isn't that much better? And don't you feel better? Here, have your crown back.
KING JOHN: Now will you call off the French?
CARDINAL PANDULPH: Of course.
BASTARD: You know, your nobles are still pretty peeved about the whole thing with Prince Arthur.
KING JOHN: But Hubert said he was fine!
BASTARD: Well, now he's dead. Hey, at least we get to fight the French.
KING JOHN: *facepalm*
SCENE 9: THE DAUPHIN'S CAMP
NOBLES: We aren't happy about fighting with the French, but sometimes you've just got to.
CARDINAL PANDULPH: Okay, everyone, war's over. King John said he was sorry.
LOUIS: Fuck you! I was all excited about having a war which you told me to start, in case you've forgotten.
CARDINAL PANDULPH: Well, now I'm telling you to stop.
LOUIS: Hell no!
BASTARD: Hey everyone! Time for war!
SCENE 10: THE FIELD
WAR: *starts*
STAR TREK FIGHT MUSIC: *plays*
SCENE 11: ANOTHER PART OF THE FIELD
KING JOHN: Man, I feel like crap today. I think I'll go wait this out at Swinstead Abbey.
SCENE 12: YET ANOTHER PART OF THE FIELD
RANDOM FRENCH DUDE: Hey, nobles, the Dauphin's going to kill you all after he wins.
NOBLES: A treacherous Frenchman? In a Shakespeare play? Well, we never!
SCENE 13: THE SAME PART OF THE FIELD FROM TWO SCENES AGO
BASTARD: Well, we're hosed.
HUBERT: You think we have problems now? King John has been poisoned by a monk.
BASTARD: Well, fuck.
SCENE 14: SWINSTEAD ABBEY
PRINCE HENRY: Man, I so do not want to be king soon. Also my crazy dying dad is singing and that's damn creepy.
KING JOHN: Being poisoned is so very not fun.
BASTARD: Oh hey there, I have news.
KING JOHN: Why don't you tell me that before I croak?
BASTARD: Okay. We totally got our asses kicked.
KING JOHN: *croaks*
NOBLES: No, actually, it's fine, we won because we came back to your side and the Dauphin's backing down.
BASTARD: Well, that's good then. Clearly the moral of the story is that we Englishmen should all stick together and then we'll kick ass.
EVERYONE: *sings the finale from HMS Pinafore*
And the other thing is Star Trek in the Park! Via aris_tgd. It is awesome.
NB that the emphasis on Arthur being pretty is completely from the text. If anything, I toned it down.
SCENE 1: ENGLAND
FRENCH AMBASSADOR: Hey, the King of France says your nephew Arthur should be king and not you!
KING JOHN: Tell him to bite me.
FRENCH AMBASSADOR: Of course you realize, this means war!
KING JOHN: Awesome!
PHILIP "THE BASTARD" FAULCONBRIDGE: Hey, my brother says I'm illegitimate!
KING JOHN: Dude, you are clearly the Lionheart's kid.
BASTARD: Awesome!
SCENE 2: FRANCE
KING PHILIP OF FRANCE: Hey, people of Angiers, let us in!
KING JOHN: No, let us in!
PEOPLE OF ANGIERS: we're not doing anything until you figure out which one of you is King of England.
BASTARD: Hey, why don't we slaughter them first and then work it out?
KING PHILIP AND KING JOHN: Awesome!
PEOPLE OF ANGIERS: Better idea! Why doesn't King John's niece marry King Philip's son? Then nobody needs to slaughter anybody!
EVERYONE: Okay!
CONSTANCE (ARTHUR'S MUM): OMG DIAF EVERYONE.
CARDINAL PANDULPH: O HAI King John, we were wondering why you don't like our choice for Archbishop of Canterbury.
KING JOHN: He smells and his Pope dresses him funny.
CARDINAL PANDULPH: No sacraments for you until you behave. Are you with us, King Philip?
KING PHILIP: Well, this is really awkward.
KING JOHN: Come on, Phil, Rome sucks.
KING PHILIP: But I don't want to be under interdict! Sorry, John, I'm breaking up with you and my ambition to sleep with all of Henry II's sons will have to go unfulfilled.
KING JOHN: This is not awesome.
BLANCHE (JOHN'S NIECE): Well, this is going to make my wedding night really awkward.
SCENE 3: FRANCE.
KING JOHN: Ha ha, we captured Prince Arthur. Who's King now?
ARTHUR: My mom will be so bummed.
KING JOHN: Hey Hubert, you know what would be really awesome? If you could pick up on my orders without my having to say anything. Wouldn't that be cool?
HUBERT: Yeah, it would!
KING JOHN: On that note, I hear you're going to be babysitting Arthur.
HUBERT: Yeah, I'll take care of him for you.
KING JOHN: I want you to kill him, dumbass.
HUBERT: I got that.
SCENE 4: STILL FRANCE.
CONSTANCE: I HATE MYSELF AND WANT TO DIE. BUT I HATE YOU GUYS MORE.
LOUIS (THE DAUPHIN): Well, that was depressing.
CARDINAL PANDULPH: Hey, you know what you should do, Louis? Invade England.
LOUIS: Okay!
SCENE 5: ENGLAND. A PRISON
HUBERT: Hey, Arthur, come here! It's time for me to burn your eyes out with pokers!
ARTHUR: zomg noooooooo!
HUBERT: Oh, I can't do it, you're so cute. I'll just tell King John i did it.
ARTHUR: Yay!
SCENE 6: KING JOHN'S PALACE
NOBLES: Hey, you know what would be cool? If you let that cute kid Arthur go. He’s just so cute.
KING JOHN: Um, yeah, about that.
NOBLES: OMG you killed him didn't you? You asshole. He was so pretty!
HUBERT: O HAI!
NOBLES: ZOMG you had this guy kill him. You are totally not King anymore, John.
KING JOHN: Crap.
BASTARD: Hey, everyone's totally up in arms against you. Including the French, actually.
KING JOHN: Once again: crap.
HUBERT: So about Arthur...
KING JOHN: You moron! When I said "kill him" I didn't mean "kill him."
HUBERT: Well, good, because I didn't.
KING JOHN: Awesome!
SCENE 7: THE PRISON FROM SCENE 5.
ARTHUR: I'm going to escape by jumping out the window! Here's hoping i survive the jump.
ARTHUR: *jumps*
ARTHUR: Well, that was a bad idea. *dies*
NOBLES: ZOMG it's Prince Arthur! He is dead! This is the worst thing anyone has ever done because he was so pretty! We're going to go join the French now!
HUBERT: Don't look at me! He was fine when I left.
BASTARD: If you did this I am totally going to kill your ass.
HUBERT: It's not my fault he was too dumb to live!
BASTARD: Point taken.
SCENE 8: THE COURT.
KING JOHN: ...and tell the Pope I am very sorry for being a naughty boy.
CARDINAL PANDULPH: Now isn't that much better? And don't you feel better? Here, have your crown back.
KING JOHN: Now will you call off the French?
CARDINAL PANDULPH: Of course.
BASTARD: You know, your nobles are still pretty peeved about the whole thing with Prince Arthur.
KING JOHN: But Hubert said he was fine!
BASTARD: Well, now he's dead. Hey, at least we get to fight the French.
KING JOHN: *facepalm*
SCENE 9: THE DAUPHIN'S CAMP
NOBLES: We aren't happy about fighting with the French, but sometimes you've just got to.
CARDINAL PANDULPH: Okay, everyone, war's over. King John said he was sorry.
LOUIS: Fuck you! I was all excited about having a war which you told me to start, in case you've forgotten.
CARDINAL PANDULPH: Well, now I'm telling you to stop.
LOUIS: Hell no!
BASTARD: Hey everyone! Time for war!
SCENE 10: THE FIELD
WAR: *starts*
STAR TREK FIGHT MUSIC: *plays*
SCENE 11: ANOTHER PART OF THE FIELD
KING JOHN: Man, I feel like crap today. I think I'll go wait this out at Swinstead Abbey.
SCENE 12: YET ANOTHER PART OF THE FIELD
RANDOM FRENCH DUDE: Hey, nobles, the Dauphin's going to kill you all after he wins.
NOBLES: A treacherous Frenchman? In a Shakespeare play? Well, we never!
SCENE 13: THE SAME PART OF THE FIELD FROM TWO SCENES AGO
BASTARD: Well, we're hosed.
HUBERT: You think we have problems now? King John has been poisoned by a monk.
BASTARD: Well, fuck.
SCENE 14: SWINSTEAD ABBEY
PRINCE HENRY: Man, I so do not want to be king soon. Also my crazy dying dad is singing and that's damn creepy.
KING JOHN: Being poisoned is so very not fun.
BASTARD: Oh hey there, I have news.
KING JOHN: Why don't you tell me that before I croak?
BASTARD: Okay. We totally got our asses kicked.
KING JOHN: *croaks*
NOBLES: No, actually, it's fine, we won because we came back to your side and the Dauphin's backing down.
BASTARD: Well, that's good then. Clearly the moral of the story is that we Englishmen should all stick together and then we'll kick ass.
EVERYONE: *sings the finale from HMS Pinafore*
And the other thing is Star Trek in the Park! Via aris_tgd. It is awesome.
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