Liberation/Assimilation/Realization
OK, this is in the way of being a response to queerunity's post which was cross-posted to several lists that I am on. This will be crossposted in part to transfeminism.
Thing is, the post isn't just a description of the queer community. It's a description of all people. There are people, queer and hetero, who want the monogamous settled life with the kids and the pets and all, and there are people, queer and hetero, who want a wild and open sexuality and an unconventional lifestyle. And yes, there are those who are looking for something in between. Hasn't feminism had this problem for years, between those of the sexually "liberated" nature and those who are of the "conventional" bent? When is humanity going to be able to accept both as viable lifestyles? Why does one ideology have to triumph over another? Why do we have to be so afraid of one another?
Why can't the "Liberationists" say, "If marriage is what you want, go for it? It's cool with us."?
Why can't the "Assimilationists" say, "If marriage is not for you,it's no skin off our nose. It's cool with us."?
Why is it that people think someone else's lifestyle is a threat to their own?
Dialogue (I started this dialog knowing very clearly which voice was Liberation and which voice was Assimilation, and then I read back through it again and realized that I could switch the two and it would still work. So, choose one side for Voice 1 and the other side for Voice 2)
Voice 1: I've worked so hard to get us this freedom, and now you want to squander it by being exactly the same as you've always been.
Voice 2: You haven't got freedom. You've got an unnatural life. It's nothing that I wanted.
Voice 1: It's you who is unnatural. You've been forced into the role you're taking now. I've chosen of my own free will.
Voice 2: It's I who've chosen of my own free will, and now you condemn me for it. It's you who is oppressing me.
Voice 1: It's you who've joined our oppressors.
Voice 2: What, by finally doing what I've always wanted to do?
(End of dialog)
What we all want is well, what we each want. Ah, that lovely pursuit of happiness. My ex is fond of quoting Oliver Wendell Holmes, "The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins" The problem with that idea in my mind being that some people tend to stick their nose where it doesn't belong. Like in each other's sex lives.
On the other hand, I've said, and still hold, that we are all connected. What one does affects the other. So my being married to a beautiful woman is going to affect not just me but you as well, isn't it? And my friends being in an open relationship is going to affect you and me, isn't it? Of course it is. These relationships will touch on our lives in ways I cannot begin to wrap my head around. But is it going to harm me? Well, not as such. But it may shatter my worldview, if my worldview is a narrow one in which I can only see my way as the right way of doing things. I'm not for having that problem. I try seeing things from other people's points of view.
Realize, then, that there are those for whom sex and love is always going to mean monogamy. Realize that there are those for who whom sex and love is a smorgasbord with all the variety open to them. And that there are limitless shades in between.
Realize that there are those whose genders are pretty close to the "normative", whether it is or it isn't the normative of their biology. Realize that there are those for whom gender is a playground, a bendable concept. And that there are limitless shades in between.
The main thing to realize is that all of these ideas are wonderful and normal, if you can only open your mind to them. That's the problem, isn't it? That we can't bear to think that anyone else's ideas are as valid as our own? And that's where we go wrong, in insisting that in order to be right, the other has to be wrong. In many cases, this is just not so.
Thing is, the post isn't just a description of the queer community. It's a description of all people. There are people, queer and hetero, who want the monogamous settled life with the kids and the pets and all, and there are people, queer and hetero, who want a wild and open sexuality and an unconventional lifestyle. And yes, there are those who are looking for something in between. Hasn't feminism had this problem for years, between those of the sexually "liberated" nature and those who are of the "conventional" bent? When is humanity going to be able to accept both as viable lifestyles? Why does one ideology have to triumph over another? Why do we have to be so afraid of one another?
Why can't the "Liberationists" say, "If marriage is what you want, go for it? It's cool with us."?
Why can't the "Assimilationists" say, "If marriage is not for you,it's no skin off our nose. It's cool with us."?
Why is it that people think someone else's lifestyle is a threat to their own?
Dialogue (I started this dialog knowing very clearly which voice was Liberation and which voice was Assimilation, and then I read back through it again and realized that I could switch the two and it would still work. So, choose one side for Voice 1 and the other side for Voice 2)
Voice 1: I've worked so hard to get us this freedom, and now you want to squander it by being exactly the same as you've always been.
Voice 2: You haven't got freedom. You've got an unnatural life. It's nothing that I wanted.
Voice 1: It's you who is unnatural. You've been forced into the role you're taking now. I've chosen of my own free will.
Voice 2: It's I who've chosen of my own free will, and now you condemn me for it. It's you who is oppressing me.
Voice 1: It's you who've joined our oppressors.
Voice 2: What, by finally doing what I've always wanted to do?
(End of dialog)
What we all want is well, what we each want. Ah, that lovely pursuit of happiness. My ex is fond of quoting Oliver Wendell Holmes, "The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins" The problem with that idea in my mind being that some people tend to stick their nose where it doesn't belong. Like in each other's sex lives.
On the other hand, I've said, and still hold, that we are all connected. What one does affects the other. So my being married to a beautiful woman is going to affect not just me but you as well, isn't it? And my friends being in an open relationship is going to affect you and me, isn't it? Of course it is. These relationships will touch on our lives in ways I cannot begin to wrap my head around. But is it going to harm me? Well, not as such. But it may shatter my worldview, if my worldview is a narrow one in which I can only see my way as the right way of doing things. I'm not for having that problem. I try seeing things from other people's points of view.
Realize, then, that there are those for whom sex and love is always going to mean monogamy. Realize that there are those for who whom sex and love is a smorgasbord with all the variety open to them. And that there are limitless shades in between.
Realize that there are those whose genders are pretty close to the "normative", whether it is or it isn't the normative of their biology. Realize that there are those for whom gender is a playground, a bendable concept. And that there are limitless shades in between.
The main thing to realize is that all of these ideas are wonderful and normal, if you can only open your mind to them. That's the problem, isn't it? That we can't bear to think that anyone else's ideas are as valid as our own? And that's where we go wrong, in insisting that in order to be right, the other has to be wrong. In many cases, this is just not so.