more wise advice for women
And I knew the book was written by a religious person, but still, sometimes evangelical christians are atheist's (or at least someone who's anti-church-establishment) best friend. Take a look at this advice re: men's "inherent need to provide:"
"Several men have told me that, most of all, the best thing their mate can do is to show that she realizes how tight things ar eby refusing to spend money unnecessarily. That, combined with our emotional support, does wonders for the man's feeling that 'we can get through this.'
But how can we be emotionally supportive when we need support? Having gone through a difficult financial season with my husband, I can say that the answer is to cast our cares for provision on the Lord rather than on our men. In the end, it is His job to carry the burden." (emphasis as in the original)
....
And the next page does a great job of bringing up all that's feminist inside me:
"Most of us want to support our men, and in this case being a support means understanding them, appreciating them, and helping to relieve the pressure they feel rather than adding to it. One husband put it this way: 'Make sure he knows your pleasure in any financial progress so he knows all his obsessive hard work was worth it. And when he comes in really late from an extra long day at the office, surprise him with a thank-you gift. Use your imagination."
Is it any wonder that this whole chapter goes into the "surprising" feeling that men have a constant burden of providing. Here's a brilliant question used to expose this shocking truth:
Under what circumstances do you think about your responsibility to provide for your family? [Choose one answer]
(a) Never -- 3%
(b) Only when I'm unemployed or facing financial challenges -- 6%
(c) It's occasionally in the back of my mind -- 20%
(d) It's often in the back of my mind -- 21%
(e) It's something I'm conscious of most of the time -- 50%
From which the author goes on to make the following conclusion (my commentary in the brackets):
"Stop for a second and read those results slowly, until they sink in. [don't rush. There's some darn heavy math for you there.] A large majority of men (71 percent) say that their responsibility to provide is always or often on their mind. Think about what it must feel like to be conscious of this burden "most of the time"! [punctuation marks go inside the quotation marks. But really, think about what it must feel like to be conscious of this burden! Because working women, unlike men of course, are only conscious of how they'll have pin money to spend on lace and hats.]
An employee at my local Costco described the provider impulse this way: "It's always in the back of my mind that I need to provide. A man won't feel like a man if he doesn't."
"Is it never not in the back of your mind?" I asked.
"Nope," he declared. "If you're going to be the man, that's just the way it is."
[Costco -- a place where everything comes exaggerated, even insipid truths.]
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It's actually jarring for me to read all this: must evangelical christianity always go with the standard assumptions of a man-as-a-breadwinner, and a woman waiting home, praying to Lord, working hard to give her man more sex? Speaking of sex -- that's the next chapter, titled "Why Sex Unlocks a Man's Emotions (Guess Who Holds the Key?)" -- I'm not even kidding.
There we get such brilliant insight: "Isn't sex just a primal, biological urge that he really should be able to do without? Well...no. For your husband, sex is more than just a physical need. Lack of sex is as emotionally serious to him as, say, his sudden silence would be to you, were he simply to stop communicating with you. It is just as wounding to him, just as much a legitimate grievance -- and just as dangerous to your marriage."
Ugh. And lest I'm misunderstood, let me say that I wholeheartedly agree with this statement: lack of sex is emotionally serious to most husbands. But so it is to most wives. Wouldn't men themselves benefit here from a bit of feminist thinking and legitimizing women's interest in sex?
"Several men have told me that, most of all, the best thing their mate can do is to show that she realizes how tight things ar eby refusing to spend money unnecessarily. That, combined with our emotional support, does wonders for the man's feeling that 'we can get through this.'
But how can we be emotionally supportive when we need support? Having gone through a difficult financial season with my husband, I can say that the answer is to cast our cares for provision on the Lord rather than on our men. In the end, it is His job to carry the burden." (emphasis as in the original)
....
And the next page does a great job of bringing up all that's feminist inside me:
"Most of us want to support our men, and in this case being a support means understanding them, appreciating them, and helping to relieve the pressure they feel rather than adding to it. One husband put it this way: 'Make sure he knows your pleasure in any financial progress so he knows all his obsessive hard work was worth it. And when he comes in really late from an extra long day at the office, surprise him with a thank-you gift. Use your imagination."
Is it any wonder that this whole chapter goes into the "surprising" feeling that men have a constant burden of providing. Here's a brilliant question used to expose this shocking truth:
Under what circumstances do you think about your responsibility to provide for your family? [Choose one answer]
(a) Never -- 3%
(b) Only when I'm unemployed or facing financial challenges -- 6%
(c) It's occasionally in the back of my mind -- 20%
(d) It's often in the back of my mind -- 21%
(e) It's something I'm conscious of most of the time -- 50%
From which the author goes on to make the following conclusion (my commentary in the brackets):
"Stop for a second and read those results slowly, until they sink in. [don't rush. There's some darn heavy math for you there.] A large majority of men (71 percent) say that their responsibility to provide is always or often on their mind. Think about what it must feel like to be conscious of this burden "most of the time"! [punctuation marks go inside the quotation marks. But really, think about what it must feel like to be conscious of this burden! Because working women, unlike men of course, are only conscious of how they'll have pin money to spend on lace and hats.]
An employee at my local Costco described the provider impulse this way: "It's always in the back of my mind that I need to provide. A man won't feel like a man if he doesn't."
"Is it never not in the back of your mind?" I asked.
"Nope," he declared. "If you're going to be the man, that's just the way it is."
[Costco -- a place where everything comes exaggerated, even insipid truths.]
------------
It's actually jarring for me to read all this: must evangelical christianity always go with the standard assumptions of a man-as-a-breadwinner, and a woman waiting home, praying to Lord, working hard to give her man more sex? Speaking of sex -- that's the next chapter, titled "Why Sex Unlocks a Man's Emotions (Guess Who Holds the Key?)" -- I'm not even kidding.
There we get such brilliant insight: "Isn't sex just a primal, biological urge that he really should be able to do without? Well...no. For your husband, sex is more than just a physical need. Lack of sex is as emotionally serious to him as, say, his sudden silence would be to you, were he simply to stop communicating with you. It is just as wounding to him, just as much a legitimate grievance -- and just as dangerous to your marriage."
Ugh. And lest I'm misunderstood, let me say that I wholeheartedly agree with this statement: lack of sex is emotionally serious to most husbands. But so it is to most wives. Wouldn't men themselves benefit here from a bit of feminist thinking and legitimizing women's interest in sex?