Hello, friend.
It's been a while since I took the time to get my thoughts together in this safe place. Sometimes this feels like such a feat, similar to avoiding yoga when I need it most. It just goes to show that it really is difficult to show up for yourself through these times.
My life has been a whirlwind with working to balance Aaron's recovery, my new work life and just plain me. I think I've always struggled with this growing up because I was always so busy raising my brothers, in a hectic relationship with my ex and not knowing how to navigate my own doings.
Tomorrow Aaron has his first freelance shoot. This whole journey I have witnessed and been there for him through has been incredible, uncertain and trying. He decided not to go back to work with his old boss as the roles and expectations have been so far blurred. His current physical challenges would have made it difficult to take care of himself in a way that he would have to learn how to do all over again without falling into his old role of being the muscle, talent and glue of that family like organization. He finally is off his pain meds but is having withdrawal symptoms but that seems to be the latest and hopefully last few challenges at the tail end of this situation. He has become a different person and learning to grow from a difficult situation.
I am very proud of him through all this and have wanted to maintain unconditional love and understanding which, at this point, is getting difficult to endure. It's not normal for me to hope or, honestly, work for something that has to do with someone else, let alone a relationship that has been impacted in such a way. I have wanted, and perhaps tried to sabotage this to return to a life of control where I feel most comfortable dealing with chaos but had to find myself within all of the uncertainty and remember why I am still around and that jumping ship would not serve anything but my past habits of not knowing how to handle the situation. A form of surrender has been necessary for me and gentleness with myself realizing that I can't control this, change or fix the dealings he has had come and go.
I have settled into my "new" job over the last two months as a project coordinator. It's exhausting thinking about what this job means...because my ego wants it to mean so much for some reason. It's the first "real" job I have obtained on my own, not networking and through the experience I have gained over the years. I went to school for project management and this is my first foot in a completely new industry which brings a sort of new language to learn.
I am at a company, one of the leading in the industry of eDiscovery which offers managed data services for law firms. We have seen at least 4 people, one of each level in my office, leave with no more than serving 1.5 years in their roles. Although alarming, somehow, through being on a "break" with Aaron and his recovery, I managed to keep it together as best I could and sort of thrive with half the team that started and way less support but the high expectation to adapt and perform. I am finally feeling less discomfort and more confidence in myself and the position. I didn't think I would see or feel the end of the tunnel after everything that happened since May 23rd, Aaron's accident but at the end of the day, we somehow got through it together.
We both have seen each other at what we both could say was our lowest and most triggerable points. I have seen a man who was known for his talent and physical strength get to know emotions, himself, humble himself and really process his choices. After all this, he really values what he calls my strength which confuses me but gives me encouragement to allow us to just be right now and settle into what our new reality, our new relationship is and will become.
Somehow I didn't run from him or myself because I didn't know the outcome and I can honestly say that I am proud of myself for seeing this through and harboring no regret or resentment on my decision to be there for a man who really needed it. I wanted to be the person he relied on and he let me in. But now, I seem to struggle with letting him in...however which way that is possible, I have no idea. It's my habit to protect him from my feelings and thoughts as I've seen him so down and unable to take more than he can process. I know I can be intense.
If I have learned anything, I am grateful for this situation to teach he and I to grow as a team and as individuals and communicate honestly with each other on where we currently stand. I just want to love him and be nice to him. I want him to take care of himself and that is all.
It's all been a whirlwind and the last couple weeks were hard because he sensed me distancing. I didn't know how to gracefully handle slowing down and not having to be on such a high alert vigilance but, I had to remind him it wasn't personal, it wasn't permanent and will ease with time. It's a drastic occurrence and I only know how to handle it as best I can. He completely understands where I am coming from.
So, I hope to continue to update and get my thoughts in order like I have been the last bunch of years. I want to get back to myself, my routine and doings and let this all sink in. It's only been about 2.5 months since the accident which feels like time has moved both slowly and too quickly.
I have let go of fear a lot lately and when it tries to enter again, I try and remember that it's a choice to love him and be by his side and I wouldn't want it any other way. We both are works in progress and I am proud of us both for being able to somehow withstand all the tests we have endured. The honeymoon ended the day of the accident and I have hope that it will return but taking a new, graduated and mature form for the both of us.
I am trying not to doubt myself, him or us and just let things work out the way they will but also keep in mind the need to take care of myself in order to be happy with myself. It's time to take a step back from over protection mode of him and start paying attention to my heart and how that has influenced me to shut my heart down a little bit. I'm not afraid of the process and know it will poke it's little head out in due time and show itself because I want it and don't want to give up.
My life has been a whirlwind with working to balance Aaron's recovery, my new work life and just plain me. I think I've always struggled with this growing up because I was always so busy raising my brothers, in a hectic relationship with my ex and not knowing how to navigate my own doings.
Tomorrow Aaron has his first freelance shoot. This whole journey I have witnessed and been there for him through has been incredible, uncertain and trying. He decided not to go back to work with his old boss as the roles and expectations have been so far blurred. His current physical challenges would have made it difficult to take care of himself in a way that he would have to learn how to do all over again without falling into his old role of being the muscle, talent and glue of that family like organization. He finally is off his pain meds but is having withdrawal symptoms but that seems to be the latest and hopefully last few challenges at the tail end of this situation. He has become a different person and learning to grow from a difficult situation.
I am very proud of him through all this and have wanted to maintain unconditional love and understanding which, at this point, is getting difficult to endure. It's not normal for me to hope or, honestly, work for something that has to do with someone else, let alone a relationship that has been impacted in such a way. I have wanted, and perhaps tried to sabotage this to return to a life of control where I feel most comfortable dealing with chaos but had to find myself within all of the uncertainty and remember why I am still around and that jumping ship would not serve anything but my past habits of not knowing how to handle the situation. A form of surrender has been necessary for me and gentleness with myself realizing that I can't control this, change or fix the dealings he has had come and go.
I have settled into my "new" job over the last two months as a project coordinator. It's exhausting thinking about what this job means...because my ego wants it to mean so much for some reason. It's the first "real" job I have obtained on my own, not networking and through the experience I have gained over the years. I went to school for project management and this is my first foot in a completely new industry which brings a sort of new language to learn.
I am at a company, one of the leading in the industry of eDiscovery which offers managed data services for law firms. We have seen at least 4 people, one of each level in my office, leave with no more than serving 1.5 years in their roles. Although alarming, somehow, through being on a "break" with Aaron and his recovery, I managed to keep it together as best I could and sort of thrive with half the team that started and way less support but the high expectation to adapt and perform. I am finally feeling less discomfort and more confidence in myself and the position. I didn't think I would see or feel the end of the tunnel after everything that happened since May 23rd, Aaron's accident but at the end of the day, we somehow got through it together.
We both have seen each other at what we both could say was our lowest and most triggerable points. I have seen a man who was known for his talent and physical strength get to know emotions, himself, humble himself and really process his choices. After all this, he really values what he calls my strength which confuses me but gives me encouragement to allow us to just be right now and settle into what our new reality, our new relationship is and will become.
Somehow I didn't run from him or myself because I didn't know the outcome and I can honestly say that I am proud of myself for seeing this through and harboring no regret or resentment on my decision to be there for a man who really needed it. I wanted to be the person he relied on and he let me in. But now, I seem to struggle with letting him in...however which way that is possible, I have no idea. It's my habit to protect him from my feelings and thoughts as I've seen him so down and unable to take more than he can process. I know I can be intense.
If I have learned anything, I am grateful for this situation to teach he and I to grow as a team and as individuals and communicate honestly with each other on where we currently stand. I just want to love him and be nice to him. I want him to take care of himself and that is all.
It's all been a whirlwind and the last couple weeks were hard because he sensed me distancing. I didn't know how to gracefully handle slowing down and not having to be on such a high alert vigilance but, I had to remind him it wasn't personal, it wasn't permanent and will ease with time. It's a drastic occurrence and I only know how to handle it as best I can. He completely understands where I am coming from.
So, I hope to continue to update and get my thoughts in order like I have been the last bunch of years. I want to get back to myself, my routine and doings and let this all sink in. It's only been about 2.5 months since the accident which feels like time has moved both slowly and too quickly.
I have let go of fear a lot lately and when it tries to enter again, I try and remember that it's a choice to love him and be by his side and I wouldn't want it any other way. We both are works in progress and I am proud of us both for being able to somehow withstand all the tests we have endured. The honeymoon ended the day of the accident and I have hope that it will return but taking a new, graduated and mature form for the both of us.
I am trying not to doubt myself, him or us and just let things work out the way they will but also keep in mind the need to take care of myself in order to be happy with myself. It's time to take a step back from over protection mode of him and start paying attention to my heart and how that has influenced me to shut my heart down a little bit. I'm not afraid of the process and know it will poke it's little head out in due time and show itself because I want it and don't want to give up.