Forever And After
Title: Forever And After
Rating: R
Pairing: Yesung x Kyuhyun
Warnings: Angst, angst, angst....ummm...and character death.
Word count: 4,300~
Prompt: Brad Paisley - Whiskey Lullaby (for Kyusungcentral's Valentine's Day songfic fest)
Summary: Kyuhyun lost what is most precious to him and the broken promise of forever.
A/N: So sorry for this. My mind has been in a dark place in the past weeks and this is what I came up with. I know I was supposed to write Iris by Goo Goo Dolls but talking with amiciperpetuum and somehow this song comes up and it ends up haunting me. Even when I listen to other songs Brad Paisley’s “La la la la la la” rings in my head. Sorry!
Kyuhyun wakes up in the middle of the night panting and screaming.
He bolts up on his bed and clutches at the blanket around him. It takes him a full minute of looking around his darkened room to realize that he had a bad dream but it didn't make the pain less nor stopped the tears from falling. At first he cried silently, just tears streaming down his pale, hollow cheeks, staring at the sliver of moonlight that shines on the floor near the foot of the bed. The sudden breeze from the slightly opened window makes him shiver and look at the sky outside. The full moon is hanging low in the clear starless sky. It is hauntingly beautiful. It reminds Kyuhyun of Jongwoon. Jongwoon once said he loved the full moon because it looks like Kyuhyun's eyes; bright, beautiful, and mysterious.
It was Jongwoon's way of saying that he loved Kyuhyun's eyes, that he loved Kyuhyun.
Jongwoon...
Now Kyuhyun hates the full moon.
Not that it did anything wrong to him. He hates it because it reminds him of Jongwoon and of all those times that they stood in the rooftop or in the balcony at the Super Junior dorms stargazing when the sky was clear enough to let them see the heavenly bodies. He hates it for reminding him of the man he loved the most. It seems to mock him for losing the only man he ever loved in his life. Soon his anger mixes with his sadness and his silent tears turns to sobs and his hand clutches at the fabric of his shirt on his chest just above his heart. The pain is suffocating like the burning of your lungs when you feel the hopeless need for air but it still is nowhere near enough.
Never enough. For Cho Kyuhyun, that is.
Kyuhyun never liked pain. He still doesn't like it now. But sometimes the pain is the only thing that reminds him that he is still alive albeit in the most torturous of suffering. No amount of physical pain, he believes, can equal to the pain in his heart. How can someone who left you make you suffer so much? How can someone long gone inflict so much pain when they're not even around to do anything to you? How can their memories be so vivid and sharp that it leaves you reeling and spiraling out of control with so much agony you can't even remember how to breathe? Kyuhyun thinks he'll never find the answers to any of his questions. Not when all he has is more questions and more pain with each and every passing day.
Just like the previous nights before this, Kyuhyun falls back to sleep with a tear-soaked pillow and more questions than answers.
Kyuhyun wakes up again to the sound of knocking on his door. His sister comes in with a tray laden with food and greets him a good morning before setting the tray down on the bedside table where a lone bottle of whiskey stands at the middle empty of its previous contents. Ahra sighs as she gives the bottle a sad look knowing that his only brother had once again sought solace in the temporary refuge of the haze induced by the alcohol.
Kyuhyun knows that his pathetic state is making his beloved sister sad but there seems to be nothing that he can do to change how his every day starts and ends. He groans at the throbbing in his temple, a reminder of the amount of alcohol he consumed the night previous and digs the heel of his hand into his eyes before looking at the clock hanging on the wall above the dresser. Ten forty five. When it's not alcohol it is tears that let him sleep. He mirrors Ahra's sigh as she sits on the edge of his bed beside him.
"Kyuhyun-ah, do you want to go out with me today? We can go watch a movie and then buy the new game that came out a few days ago." Ahra knows it's a futile attempt once again as soon as Kyuhyun shakes his head. Every day she tries to coax her brother into doing something, anything, other than staying at home sulking and wallowing in his misery. Kyuhyun has been acting like that since the group disbanded.
Since that day...
Ahra tries and tries even when Kyuhyun seems to never run out of excuses and reasons to not go out. Sure it won't be convenient because Kyuhyun might be recognized by fans and reporters but she can barely recognize her own brother's face with the dark ring under his eyes and the now thinner face. It's painful for Ahra too, watching Kyuhyun as he wastes away, unaffected by her attempts and her words as he seems to be cocooned and locked away in some distant place that no one can reach. She reaches out to touch Kyuhyun's once chubby cheeks and bites her lower lip to stop herself from crying.
Kyuhyun looks at her and tries to give her a small smile, to reassure her somehow that he is fine. But Kyuhyun can't fool her. She knows too well how lifeless and dim his eyes are. She tries to smile but it comes as a grimace what with the difficulty of suppressing her tears and the stab of pain in her heart at the current state of her brother.
"I love you, Kyuhyun-ah. Noona will always love you. Always remember that, neh?" Kyuhyun nods at her, his eyes watery. In his mind the words are too familiar but the voice is different, so so different.
"I love you, Kyuhyun-ah. I will always love you. You must always remember that, neh?"
Kyuhyun smiles genuinely this time and Ahra is surprised but smiles back at him. Maybe there is still hope. Just maybe.
Kyuhyun once again wakes up in the middle of the night.
He wakes up panting and sweating but not screaming like the previous night. He can feel a warm sensation in the pit of his stomach as he tries to recall what he was dreaming about before he was abruptly yanked to awareness. He looks down the length of his body and notices the obvious tent in his pajamas. He then remembers dreaming of Jongwoon, of Jongwoon's touch, and of Jongwoon's kisses.
Kyuhyun remembers.
He remembers how Jongwoon used to touch him, always soft and light and feathery but leaving his skin burning like a trail of blazing fire that never fails to warm Kyuhyun from the inside out and leave him wanting for more and more. Always more. He remembers how Jongwoon used to kiss him, gentle, caring and reassuring; always filled with Jongwoon's love and all the emotions that it entails. He remembers being connected with Jongwoon in the most personal and intimate of ways, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Kyuhyun remembers how their bodies fuse and connect in ways no other has done with them before, how their bodies moved in sync, thrust for thrust.
He remembers their moans being muffled by each other’s mouth, sounds being swallowed, and gasps exchanged on their lips as their bodies unite and become one. He remembers how Jongwoon looked with a faint dusting of pink on his cheeks after they are pushed to the edge of ecstasy and bliss after sharing their desires and having their fill of each other. He remembers feeling exhausted and drained as he snuggles to Jongwoon's chest, his eyes closed and his lips kiss-swollen. He remembers pulling Jongwoon's waist closer to him even though they are just centimeters apart on the small bed before he gives in to the sleepiness knocking at the door of his consciousness.
"Mine."
"Always."
"Always?"
"Yes, always. And even after forever."
And Kyuhyun remembers the soft kiss that Jongwoon would always place on his forehead after those words like sealing his promise of forever. Jongwoon promised him forever. And after. But Jongwoon is gone now. The promise broken. And Kyuhyun is alone with nothing but the pain in his heart and the guilt in his conscience.
The same as the night before this Kyuhyun sleeps after he could cry no more.
Kyuhyun again wakes up to Ahra's voice and coaxing while Kyuhyun nurses another hangover. He watches the television in the afternoon also to Ahra's coaxing. It makes her happy when Kyuhyun agrees to do something, anything, with her. It makes her hope that someday Kyuhyun will be able to recover from the heartbreak. If only that someday will come soon. Kyuhyun sees her smile warmly at him and his guilt about letting her down is lessened.
Sometimes, Kyuhyun suspects Ahra of calling his friends to come over and give him a visit because they have no reason to do so. Since Super Junior's split Kyuhyun had stayed at his family's home and had not bothered to keep in contact with anyone because he knows that somewhere deep in their hearts they blame Kyuhyun. And maybe Kyuhyun's willing to admit that indeed it was.
When Kyuhyun showed up at the recording for one of the Gayo's accompanied by his manager he tried to walk as straight as possible for someone who's been drinking since the night before. His bloodshot eyes and slurred speech doesn't help to hide his drunken state. He tried but that isn't saying that he succeeded. He messed up and the rest of the members are thankful that the show is pre-recorded. They tried again and tried again until they finished the fourth time without so many mistakes that are too blaring to pass up.
"Kyuhyun-ah. It's been a while. Don't you think you should have moved on by now?" Leeteuk asked gently just like he always did in the past. But Kyuhyun couldn't have given him a positive answer without lying through his teeth. Yes, it's been a while since that day but that didn't mean that Kyuhyun felt less pain. In fact, all that Kyuhyun could feel is pain. Too much pain that even screaming, adoring fans could not distract him from. Kyuhyun had lost so many jobs as news of him being in a constant state of drunkenness spread like a raging forest fire.
Without their main vocalist and Kyuhyun being in a much similar state despite being around Lee SooMan and his think-tanks decided that it would be better to have the members pursue their careers as individuals instead of as a group. They tried giving Kyuhyun some shows where his wit and brand of humor would be used as an advantage but he could never show up on time nor in a sober enough state.
Super Junior was no more after ten years.
Kyuhyun is now already used to getting up in the middle of the night that he no longer thinks whether it is night or day whenever he jerks awake so abruptly after only a few hours of sleep because even after downing a whole bottle of whiskey or vodka or rum or whatever alcohol it was that he was able to get his hands on Kyuhyun isn't capable of having a dreamless sleep. This time he wakes up sobbing into his pillow and tears flowing freely like a stream from his eyes. It was one of the most painful dreams Kyuhyun had ever experienced in his life. It feels as though he was back at that time and place again. It feels like having knives pierce his heart and his soul that he bites on his pillow just to muffle his sobs and cries of despair.
♥규 성♥
Kyuhyun entered the room with his head hung low, avoiding any eye contact with the occupants of that place. It was a place Kyuhyun wouldn't have wanted to visit anytime for anyone. He entered with Heechul and Leeteuk on either side of him while Siwon and Donghae walked before him. As soon as they entered heads turned and looked at their direction, a dense silence covered the place and Kyuhyun thought he heard his heart beat erratically in his throat. The silence was broken by a shout of anger that made Kyuhyun look up, startled and scared.
"You!" Kyuhyun watched as Jongjin's eyes accused him from across the room even before he could say anything. Jongjin rushed to them, his parents following on his heels. Kyuhyun didn't expect them to welcome him, not after all that happened, and if truth be told he had expected the anger from Jongjin. Before Jongjin was able to get close enough to Kyuhyun to grab him Siwon and Donghae both grabbed him by the waist, ensuring that he would not be able to hit nor harm Kyuhyun.
"It's your fucking fault Cho Kyuhyun! It's all your fault and you have the nerve to show up here? You have no shame, huh?" Jongjin's voice couldn't have been louder if he had used a microphone. Kyuhyun bent his head even lower and bit his lip as he willed himself not to cry.
"How dare you come here? How dare you show your face? Murderer!" The shock must have been what made Kyuhyun look up which he immediately regretted as he saw the anger and madness in Jongjin's eyes.
Kyuhyun couldn't find the strength to answer him; to tell him that he didn't kill anyone, that it was an accident, that he would give anything to go back in time and prevent what has happened. No. He couldn't find the strength or the voice to say anything as he looked at Jongjin's dad and the anguish in his face. He couldn't find the temerity to say that he feels the same pain that they feel as he looked at Jongjin's mom whose eyes had become shrouded in a cloudy blankness as though she had lost her very soul. He couldn't say anything. He just couldn't. Not even when he heard what Jongjin said next.
"Give me back my brother, Kyuhyun. Give me back Jongwoon." Jongjin fell on his knees as if he was begging Kyuhyun, his tears falling and wetting the black suit he was wearing. No one in the room breathed nor made a sound except for Jongjin's broken pleas and his mother's sobs.
♥규 성♥
Kyuhyun bites on his lips harshly as his body quakes with the sobs he tries to subdue. It has been eighteen months since that day and Kyuhyun can still remember it as clearly as if it happened just minutes ago. He knows he will never be able to erase it from his mind even if he loses his sanity.
Kyuhyun remembers everything. He remembers it all when all he wants to do is forget. But the irony is he doesn't want to forget Jongwoon. Because Jongwoon is all he can think about. Because Jongwoon is all that mattered in his life, all that he really wanted, and the only person he have ever truly and deeply loved. Kyuhyun wants to remember him, wants to keep his memories, keep them safe in his heart because even when it hurts it is still only the memories of Jongwoon that can comfort him.
How Jongwoon's eyes would crinkle at the edges and his face light up when he smiled or how he tilted his head to the left when he contemplated on something. It is the memory of Jongwoon's warm small hands against his own that warms Kyuhyun's heart when he feels alone and lonely and desperate to end his misery. It's the memory of Jongwoon's soft kisses and husky whispers of I love you that keeps Kyuhyun from drowning in the depths of his pain.
Kyuhyun really wants to go back to that day, to make right all the things that went wrong. He wants to shower Jongwoon with I'm sorry and I love you. He'd give anything, anything and everything, just to make things right again; to have Jongwoon back in his arms again. But Kyuhyun knows he can't. Jongwoon will never come back. Jongwoon will never be in his arms again. He will never see that smile nor hear that voice ever again.
Never.
♥규 성♥
Kyuhyun makes a decision one morning. He has had enough.
The pain has become too unbearable, too suffocating. He takes a piece of paper and takes out the pen from his drawer as he sits in front of the dresser and writes away with his shaky hands the things he wants to say. He has thought of it enough times and is now telling them. He wishes they would understand and would not blame him or think badly of him. He finishes writing just before Ahra knocks on his door. He folds the piece of paper and hides it beneath his pillow before he tells her to come in and he gives her a smile that almost takes her breath away but she smiles back and thinks that her brother has finally started taking the steps forward, onward.
Kyuhyun doesn't sleep that night. He doesn't think he needs to but he opens that bottle of whiskey and guzzles it until it's half empty. He takes out the letter he hid under the pillow and puts it on top of his dresser with a bottle of perfume to keep it in place so the wind will not carry it away. He pulls open the bottom drawer and takes out two bottles that the doctor had given him a few weeks ago. One contains small pink colored pills that the doctor told him to take every evening to help him sleep while the other houses white round pills that the doctor said will help alleviate his depression. It never once crossed his mind that he would actually be taking those pills prescribed to him.
How life can be so ironic and cruel.
♥규 성♥
Ahra and her parents are seated in the sitting room of the Kim family's house.
They have just finished reading the letter that Kyuhyun left for them. They are not above begging Jongjin's parents to let Kyuhyun's wish be granted. Jongjin's mom is clutching at her husband's arm, her tears cascading her once lovely face. The atmosphere was somber and tense as the Cho's waited for the husband and wife to give their response when they hear a sound not so different from that of a fist hitting wood. They all turn to look in the direction of the door to see Jongjin standing there anger pouring from every inch of his being. Ahra stands up to approach him. She would not mind falling on her knees if he asks her to.
"Jongjin...Please, please let us do this. Please, Jongjin-ah." Her eyes and her voice is soft and pleading and at the brink of breaking. She wipes her tears with her long fingers furiously as she grips Jongjin's wrist with her free hand.
"This is madness! Why? Just why?" There is despair and anger in Jongjin's voice as he pulls his hair with his other hand. "Do you think I have gotten over the fact that I have lost my brother? Do you think it makes me happy to bury another brother? Would it make it any less painful when I see two mounds instead of one when I go to visit?"
Ahra cries on Jongjin's shoulder as they share the pain of losing their brothers.
♥규 성♥
It's a nice spring day when they went to Cheonan to have the memorial. Kyuhyun had written in his letter that he wanted to be beside Jongwoon in the piece of land that Jongwoon had bought before his enlistment. That piece of land that was meant to have been where Kyuhyun would have had their house built out of all the money he had saved from all his work as an idol. That piece of land would have been where they would have spent their years together. Now that piece of land is where they will be buried together and visited on occasions.
It's almost sunset and the service is finished. The people who came are now leaving one by one as the sun is starting to set and a red glow is blanketing the horizon. The air is crisp and the leaves are green. Donghae stands just outside the perimeter of the fresh mound as he takes a tentative step to follow the others. He stops where he is as he sees Kyuhyun walking towards the small space between the two mounds. Kyuhyun's face is solemn and his eyes just as sad.
Donghae is reminded of that day.
♥규 성♥
Jongwoon and Donghae walk beside each other as they head for the practice room. Jongwoon had just come back after finishing his enlistment and his first schedule will be the SMTown in Seoul in two weeks’ time.
Kyuhyun had a different schedule during that day and had said he will meet the rest of the members at the practice room so he didn't have to go back and forth from his schedules to the dorm and then the SM Building. The others will also come as soon as they finished their schedules for the day. Jongwoon listened to Donghae tell endless tales about what SJM had done in the past twenty one months and how fun it was to have worked with Siwon again in another drama. Jongwoon laughed at Donghae's childlike enthusiasm and how the man seemed to have not changed in almost two years.
Kyuhyun had been in the practice room for almost an hour and had fallen asleep on the couch. He had not been aware that Seohyun had come in. He had been so tired with all his work and had not had any proper sleep in the past week and the fact that he and Jongwoon had so many things to catch up on that he refused to sleep until his eyes couldn't stay open. Now the exhaustion was making its presence felt on his body that he was almost dead to the world and oblivious to the woman who was now sitting on his lap and started unbuttoning his shirt. Seohyun kissed him and Kyuhyun's sleeping brain did not register what was happening. Not until there was a gasp at the door and the shout of Donghae's outraged voice. He opened his eyes only to be bewildered but his shock was nothing in comparison to the look of hurt and betrayal in Jongwoon's eyes.
Kyuhyun pushed himself off the couch and away from Seohyun. It was well known around SMEnt that Seohyun has had a crush on him for the longest time but Kyuhyun never paid any mind. Kyuhyun tried to open his mouth to explain but Jongwoon turned around and ran away. Kyuhyun chased after him calling his name hoping he would listen.
But Jongwoon didn't listen.
He ran towards the stairs where he was sure there would be no people to give him questioning looks and weird glances. He ran toward the stairs, his eyes blurred by the tears, Kyuhyun right at his heels. Just when Kyuhyun reached out to grab at him Jongwoon stumbled forward and fell down the stairs. Kyuhyun froze, his mind not wanting to believe what he had just seen. Jongwoon tumbled down the flight of stairs and Kyuhyun and Donghae who was right behind him heard a faint cracking sound before Jongwoon's body stopped at the landing one floor below.
♥규 성♥
Donghae couldn't remember how Kyuhyun got down to where Jongwoon's body laid in just a blink but he can still remember how the maknae wailed holding Jongwoon's body in his arms.
Now Donghae watches Kyuhyun as his face lights up while his eyes look straight towards the horizon. Donghae follows where Kyuhyun is looking and a smile slowly stretches his face as a figure slowly takes shape with the red glow of the setting sun at his back.
Jongwoon is smiling as he extends his hands towards Kyuhyun who breaks into that wide toothy smile that Donghae loved seeing on the younger man. Jongwoon reaches up to touch Kyuhyun's cheek as soon as they are close enough and Donghae feels like he is intruding on such a tender moment between his favorite hyung and favorite dongsaeng but the happiness fills his heart at how tenderly Jongwoon looks into Kyuhyun's eyes and how the latter leans in to the touch of with a content smile on his face.
"I'm sorry, Kyuhyun-ah. You have suffered too. Please forgive me, Kyuhyun-ah." Jongwoon's voice is just as Kyuhyun and Donghae remembers it to be only this time more soft and apologetic.
"As long as you are mine."
"Always, Kyuhyun. I promised you, always, and even after forever." Kyuhyun nods and wraps his arm around Jongwoon's shoulder.
They turn to face Donghae and both smile at him with Jongwoon putting a finger over his lips. Donghae nods fervently in understanding while tears start falling from his eyes. Kyuhyun and Jongwoon wave at him, their final goodbye before they walk towards the setting sun. Donghae waves back while crying and smiling. Hyukjae notices that Donghae isn't beside him and finds him waving at the sunset. He calls out for Donghae who immediately walks to him while wiping his tears on his sleeves.
"What's wrong, Hae?"
"Oh, nothing, Nothing, Hyukkie. I'm just happy because they are happy now. Forever and after."
********************
Rating: R
Pairing: Yesung x Kyuhyun
Warnings: Angst, angst, angst....ummm...and character death.
Word count: 4,300~
Prompt: Brad Paisley - Whiskey Lullaby (for Kyusungcentral's Valentine's Day songfic fest)
Summary: Kyuhyun lost what is most precious to him and the broken promise of forever.
A/N: So sorry for this. My mind has been in a dark place in the past weeks and this is what I came up with. I know I was supposed to write Iris by Goo Goo Dolls but talking with amiciperpetuum and somehow this song comes up and it ends up haunting me. Even when I listen to other songs Brad Paisley’s “La la la la la la” rings in my head. Sorry!
Kyuhyun wakes up in the middle of the night panting and screaming.
He bolts up on his bed and clutches at the blanket around him. It takes him a full minute of looking around his darkened room to realize that he had a bad dream but it didn't make the pain less nor stopped the tears from falling. At first he cried silently, just tears streaming down his pale, hollow cheeks, staring at the sliver of moonlight that shines on the floor near the foot of the bed. The sudden breeze from the slightly opened window makes him shiver and look at the sky outside. The full moon is hanging low in the clear starless sky. It is hauntingly beautiful. It reminds Kyuhyun of Jongwoon. Jongwoon once said he loved the full moon because it looks like Kyuhyun's eyes; bright, beautiful, and mysterious.
It was Jongwoon's way of saying that he loved Kyuhyun's eyes, that he loved Kyuhyun.
Jongwoon...
Now Kyuhyun hates the full moon.
Not that it did anything wrong to him. He hates it because it reminds him of Jongwoon and of all those times that they stood in the rooftop or in the balcony at the Super Junior dorms stargazing when the sky was clear enough to let them see the heavenly bodies. He hates it for reminding him of the man he loved the most. It seems to mock him for losing the only man he ever loved in his life. Soon his anger mixes with his sadness and his silent tears turns to sobs and his hand clutches at the fabric of his shirt on his chest just above his heart. The pain is suffocating like the burning of your lungs when you feel the hopeless need for air but it still is nowhere near enough.
Never enough. For Cho Kyuhyun, that is.
Kyuhyun never liked pain. He still doesn't like it now. But sometimes the pain is the only thing that reminds him that he is still alive albeit in the most torturous of suffering. No amount of physical pain, he believes, can equal to the pain in his heart. How can someone who left you make you suffer so much? How can someone long gone inflict so much pain when they're not even around to do anything to you? How can their memories be so vivid and sharp that it leaves you reeling and spiraling out of control with so much agony you can't even remember how to breathe? Kyuhyun thinks he'll never find the answers to any of his questions. Not when all he has is more questions and more pain with each and every passing day.
Just like the previous nights before this, Kyuhyun falls back to sleep with a tear-soaked pillow and more questions than answers.
Kyuhyun wakes up again to the sound of knocking on his door. His sister comes in with a tray laden with food and greets him a good morning before setting the tray down on the bedside table where a lone bottle of whiskey stands at the middle empty of its previous contents. Ahra sighs as she gives the bottle a sad look knowing that his only brother had once again sought solace in the temporary refuge of the haze induced by the alcohol.
Kyuhyun knows that his pathetic state is making his beloved sister sad but there seems to be nothing that he can do to change how his every day starts and ends. He groans at the throbbing in his temple, a reminder of the amount of alcohol he consumed the night previous and digs the heel of his hand into his eyes before looking at the clock hanging on the wall above the dresser. Ten forty five. When it's not alcohol it is tears that let him sleep. He mirrors Ahra's sigh as she sits on the edge of his bed beside him.
"Kyuhyun-ah, do you want to go out with me today? We can go watch a movie and then buy the new game that came out a few days ago." Ahra knows it's a futile attempt once again as soon as Kyuhyun shakes his head. Every day she tries to coax her brother into doing something, anything, other than staying at home sulking and wallowing in his misery. Kyuhyun has been acting like that since the group disbanded.
Since that day...
Ahra tries and tries even when Kyuhyun seems to never run out of excuses and reasons to not go out. Sure it won't be convenient because Kyuhyun might be recognized by fans and reporters but she can barely recognize her own brother's face with the dark ring under his eyes and the now thinner face. It's painful for Ahra too, watching Kyuhyun as he wastes away, unaffected by her attempts and her words as he seems to be cocooned and locked away in some distant place that no one can reach. She reaches out to touch Kyuhyun's once chubby cheeks and bites her lower lip to stop herself from crying.
Kyuhyun looks at her and tries to give her a small smile, to reassure her somehow that he is fine. But Kyuhyun can't fool her. She knows too well how lifeless and dim his eyes are. She tries to smile but it comes as a grimace what with the difficulty of suppressing her tears and the stab of pain in her heart at the current state of her brother.
"I love you, Kyuhyun-ah. Noona will always love you. Always remember that, neh?" Kyuhyun nods at her, his eyes watery. In his mind the words are too familiar but the voice is different, so so different.
"I love you, Kyuhyun-ah. I will always love you. You must always remember that, neh?"
Kyuhyun smiles genuinely this time and Ahra is surprised but smiles back at him. Maybe there is still hope. Just maybe.
Kyuhyun once again wakes up in the middle of the night.
He wakes up panting and sweating but not screaming like the previous night. He can feel a warm sensation in the pit of his stomach as he tries to recall what he was dreaming about before he was abruptly yanked to awareness. He looks down the length of his body and notices the obvious tent in his pajamas. He then remembers dreaming of Jongwoon, of Jongwoon's touch, and of Jongwoon's kisses.
Kyuhyun remembers.
He remembers how Jongwoon used to touch him, always soft and light and feathery but leaving his skin burning like a trail of blazing fire that never fails to warm Kyuhyun from the inside out and leave him wanting for more and more. Always more. He remembers how Jongwoon used to kiss him, gentle, caring and reassuring; always filled with Jongwoon's love and all the emotions that it entails. He remembers being connected with Jongwoon in the most personal and intimate of ways, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Kyuhyun remembers how their bodies fuse and connect in ways no other has done with them before, how their bodies moved in sync, thrust for thrust.
He remembers their moans being muffled by each other’s mouth, sounds being swallowed, and gasps exchanged on their lips as their bodies unite and become one. He remembers how Jongwoon looked with a faint dusting of pink on his cheeks after they are pushed to the edge of ecstasy and bliss after sharing their desires and having their fill of each other. He remembers feeling exhausted and drained as he snuggles to Jongwoon's chest, his eyes closed and his lips kiss-swollen. He remembers pulling Jongwoon's waist closer to him even though they are just centimeters apart on the small bed before he gives in to the sleepiness knocking at the door of his consciousness.
"Mine."
"Always."
"Always?"
"Yes, always. And even after forever."
And Kyuhyun remembers the soft kiss that Jongwoon would always place on his forehead after those words like sealing his promise of forever. Jongwoon promised him forever. And after. But Jongwoon is gone now. The promise broken. And Kyuhyun is alone with nothing but the pain in his heart and the guilt in his conscience.
The same as the night before this Kyuhyun sleeps after he could cry no more.
Kyuhyun again wakes up to Ahra's voice and coaxing while Kyuhyun nurses another hangover. He watches the television in the afternoon also to Ahra's coaxing. It makes her happy when Kyuhyun agrees to do something, anything, with her. It makes her hope that someday Kyuhyun will be able to recover from the heartbreak. If only that someday will come soon. Kyuhyun sees her smile warmly at him and his guilt about letting her down is lessened.
Sometimes, Kyuhyun suspects Ahra of calling his friends to come over and give him a visit because they have no reason to do so. Since Super Junior's split Kyuhyun had stayed at his family's home and had not bothered to keep in contact with anyone because he knows that somewhere deep in their hearts they blame Kyuhyun. And maybe Kyuhyun's willing to admit that indeed it was.
When Kyuhyun showed up at the recording for one of the Gayo's accompanied by his manager he tried to walk as straight as possible for someone who's been drinking since the night before. His bloodshot eyes and slurred speech doesn't help to hide his drunken state. He tried but that isn't saying that he succeeded. He messed up and the rest of the members are thankful that the show is pre-recorded. They tried again and tried again until they finished the fourth time without so many mistakes that are too blaring to pass up.
"Kyuhyun-ah. It's been a while. Don't you think you should have moved on by now?" Leeteuk asked gently just like he always did in the past. But Kyuhyun couldn't have given him a positive answer without lying through his teeth. Yes, it's been a while since that day but that didn't mean that Kyuhyun felt less pain. In fact, all that Kyuhyun could feel is pain. Too much pain that even screaming, adoring fans could not distract him from. Kyuhyun had lost so many jobs as news of him being in a constant state of drunkenness spread like a raging forest fire.
Without their main vocalist and Kyuhyun being in a much similar state despite being around Lee SooMan and his think-tanks decided that it would be better to have the members pursue their careers as individuals instead of as a group. They tried giving Kyuhyun some shows where his wit and brand of humor would be used as an advantage but he could never show up on time nor in a sober enough state.
Super Junior was no more after ten years.
Kyuhyun is now already used to getting up in the middle of the night that he no longer thinks whether it is night or day whenever he jerks awake so abruptly after only a few hours of sleep because even after downing a whole bottle of whiskey or vodka or rum or whatever alcohol it was that he was able to get his hands on Kyuhyun isn't capable of having a dreamless sleep. This time he wakes up sobbing into his pillow and tears flowing freely like a stream from his eyes. It was one of the most painful dreams Kyuhyun had ever experienced in his life. It feels as though he was back at that time and place again. It feels like having knives pierce his heart and his soul that he bites on his pillow just to muffle his sobs and cries of despair.
♥규 성♥
Kyuhyun entered the room with his head hung low, avoiding any eye contact with the occupants of that place. It was a place Kyuhyun wouldn't have wanted to visit anytime for anyone. He entered with Heechul and Leeteuk on either side of him while Siwon and Donghae walked before him. As soon as they entered heads turned and looked at their direction, a dense silence covered the place and Kyuhyun thought he heard his heart beat erratically in his throat. The silence was broken by a shout of anger that made Kyuhyun look up, startled and scared.
"You!" Kyuhyun watched as Jongjin's eyes accused him from across the room even before he could say anything. Jongjin rushed to them, his parents following on his heels. Kyuhyun didn't expect them to welcome him, not after all that happened, and if truth be told he had expected the anger from Jongjin. Before Jongjin was able to get close enough to Kyuhyun to grab him Siwon and Donghae both grabbed him by the waist, ensuring that he would not be able to hit nor harm Kyuhyun.
"It's your fucking fault Cho Kyuhyun! It's all your fault and you have the nerve to show up here? You have no shame, huh?" Jongjin's voice couldn't have been louder if he had used a microphone. Kyuhyun bent his head even lower and bit his lip as he willed himself not to cry.
"How dare you come here? How dare you show your face? Murderer!" The shock must have been what made Kyuhyun look up which he immediately regretted as he saw the anger and madness in Jongjin's eyes.
Kyuhyun couldn't find the strength to answer him; to tell him that he didn't kill anyone, that it was an accident, that he would give anything to go back in time and prevent what has happened. No. He couldn't find the strength or the voice to say anything as he looked at Jongjin's dad and the anguish in his face. He couldn't find the temerity to say that he feels the same pain that they feel as he looked at Jongjin's mom whose eyes had become shrouded in a cloudy blankness as though she had lost her very soul. He couldn't say anything. He just couldn't. Not even when he heard what Jongjin said next.
"Give me back my brother, Kyuhyun. Give me back Jongwoon." Jongjin fell on his knees as if he was begging Kyuhyun, his tears falling and wetting the black suit he was wearing. No one in the room breathed nor made a sound except for Jongjin's broken pleas and his mother's sobs.
♥규 성♥
Kyuhyun bites on his lips harshly as his body quakes with the sobs he tries to subdue. It has been eighteen months since that day and Kyuhyun can still remember it as clearly as if it happened just minutes ago. He knows he will never be able to erase it from his mind even if he loses his sanity.
Kyuhyun remembers everything. He remembers it all when all he wants to do is forget. But the irony is he doesn't want to forget Jongwoon. Because Jongwoon is all he can think about. Because Jongwoon is all that mattered in his life, all that he really wanted, and the only person he have ever truly and deeply loved. Kyuhyun wants to remember him, wants to keep his memories, keep them safe in his heart because even when it hurts it is still only the memories of Jongwoon that can comfort him.
How Jongwoon's eyes would crinkle at the edges and his face light up when he smiled or how he tilted his head to the left when he contemplated on something. It is the memory of Jongwoon's warm small hands against his own that warms Kyuhyun's heart when he feels alone and lonely and desperate to end his misery. It's the memory of Jongwoon's soft kisses and husky whispers of I love you that keeps Kyuhyun from drowning in the depths of his pain.
Kyuhyun really wants to go back to that day, to make right all the things that went wrong. He wants to shower Jongwoon with I'm sorry and I love you. He'd give anything, anything and everything, just to make things right again; to have Jongwoon back in his arms again. But Kyuhyun knows he can't. Jongwoon will never come back. Jongwoon will never be in his arms again. He will never see that smile nor hear that voice ever again.
Never.
♥규 성♥
Kyuhyun makes a decision one morning. He has had enough.
The pain has become too unbearable, too suffocating. He takes a piece of paper and takes out the pen from his drawer as he sits in front of the dresser and writes away with his shaky hands the things he wants to say. He has thought of it enough times and is now telling them. He wishes they would understand and would not blame him or think badly of him. He finishes writing just before Ahra knocks on his door. He folds the piece of paper and hides it beneath his pillow before he tells her to come in and he gives her a smile that almost takes her breath away but she smiles back and thinks that her brother has finally started taking the steps forward, onward.
Kyuhyun doesn't sleep that night. He doesn't think he needs to but he opens that bottle of whiskey and guzzles it until it's half empty. He takes out the letter he hid under the pillow and puts it on top of his dresser with a bottle of perfume to keep it in place so the wind will not carry it away. He pulls open the bottom drawer and takes out two bottles that the doctor had given him a few weeks ago. One contains small pink colored pills that the doctor told him to take every evening to help him sleep while the other houses white round pills that the doctor said will help alleviate his depression. It never once crossed his mind that he would actually be taking those pills prescribed to him.
How life can be so ironic and cruel.
♥규 성♥
Ahra and her parents are seated in the sitting room of the Kim family's house.
They have just finished reading the letter that Kyuhyun left for them. They are not above begging Jongjin's parents to let Kyuhyun's wish be granted. Jongjin's mom is clutching at her husband's arm, her tears cascading her once lovely face. The atmosphere was somber and tense as the Cho's waited for the husband and wife to give their response when they hear a sound not so different from that of a fist hitting wood. They all turn to look in the direction of the door to see Jongjin standing there anger pouring from every inch of his being. Ahra stands up to approach him. She would not mind falling on her knees if he asks her to.
"Jongjin...Please, please let us do this. Please, Jongjin-ah." Her eyes and her voice is soft and pleading and at the brink of breaking. She wipes her tears with her long fingers furiously as she grips Jongjin's wrist with her free hand.
"This is madness! Why? Just why?" There is despair and anger in Jongjin's voice as he pulls his hair with his other hand. "Do you think I have gotten over the fact that I have lost my brother? Do you think it makes me happy to bury another brother? Would it make it any less painful when I see two mounds instead of one when I go to visit?"
Ahra cries on Jongjin's shoulder as they share the pain of losing their brothers.
♥규 성♥
It's a nice spring day when they went to Cheonan to have the memorial. Kyuhyun had written in his letter that he wanted to be beside Jongwoon in the piece of land that Jongwoon had bought before his enlistment. That piece of land that was meant to have been where Kyuhyun would have had their house built out of all the money he had saved from all his work as an idol. That piece of land would have been where they would have spent their years together. Now that piece of land is where they will be buried together and visited on occasions.
It's almost sunset and the service is finished. The people who came are now leaving one by one as the sun is starting to set and a red glow is blanketing the horizon. The air is crisp and the leaves are green. Donghae stands just outside the perimeter of the fresh mound as he takes a tentative step to follow the others. He stops where he is as he sees Kyuhyun walking towards the small space between the two mounds. Kyuhyun's face is solemn and his eyes just as sad.
Donghae is reminded of that day.
♥규 성♥
Jongwoon and Donghae walk beside each other as they head for the practice room. Jongwoon had just come back after finishing his enlistment and his first schedule will be the SMTown in Seoul in two weeks’ time.
Kyuhyun had a different schedule during that day and had said he will meet the rest of the members at the practice room so he didn't have to go back and forth from his schedules to the dorm and then the SM Building. The others will also come as soon as they finished their schedules for the day. Jongwoon listened to Donghae tell endless tales about what SJM had done in the past twenty one months and how fun it was to have worked with Siwon again in another drama. Jongwoon laughed at Donghae's childlike enthusiasm and how the man seemed to have not changed in almost two years.
Kyuhyun had been in the practice room for almost an hour and had fallen asleep on the couch. He had not been aware that Seohyun had come in. He had been so tired with all his work and had not had any proper sleep in the past week and the fact that he and Jongwoon had so many things to catch up on that he refused to sleep until his eyes couldn't stay open. Now the exhaustion was making its presence felt on his body that he was almost dead to the world and oblivious to the woman who was now sitting on his lap and started unbuttoning his shirt. Seohyun kissed him and Kyuhyun's sleeping brain did not register what was happening. Not until there was a gasp at the door and the shout of Donghae's outraged voice. He opened his eyes only to be bewildered but his shock was nothing in comparison to the look of hurt and betrayal in Jongwoon's eyes.
Kyuhyun pushed himself off the couch and away from Seohyun. It was well known around SMEnt that Seohyun has had a crush on him for the longest time but Kyuhyun never paid any mind. Kyuhyun tried to open his mouth to explain but Jongwoon turned around and ran away. Kyuhyun chased after him calling his name hoping he would listen.
But Jongwoon didn't listen.
He ran towards the stairs where he was sure there would be no people to give him questioning looks and weird glances. He ran toward the stairs, his eyes blurred by the tears, Kyuhyun right at his heels. Just when Kyuhyun reached out to grab at him Jongwoon stumbled forward and fell down the stairs. Kyuhyun froze, his mind not wanting to believe what he had just seen. Jongwoon tumbled down the flight of stairs and Kyuhyun and Donghae who was right behind him heard a faint cracking sound before Jongwoon's body stopped at the landing one floor below.
♥규 성♥
Donghae couldn't remember how Kyuhyun got down to where Jongwoon's body laid in just a blink but he can still remember how the maknae wailed holding Jongwoon's body in his arms.
Now Donghae watches Kyuhyun as his face lights up while his eyes look straight towards the horizon. Donghae follows where Kyuhyun is looking and a smile slowly stretches his face as a figure slowly takes shape with the red glow of the setting sun at his back.
Jongwoon is smiling as he extends his hands towards Kyuhyun who breaks into that wide toothy smile that Donghae loved seeing on the younger man. Jongwoon reaches up to touch Kyuhyun's cheek as soon as they are close enough and Donghae feels like he is intruding on such a tender moment between his favorite hyung and favorite dongsaeng but the happiness fills his heart at how tenderly Jongwoon looks into Kyuhyun's eyes and how the latter leans in to the touch of with a content smile on his face.
"I'm sorry, Kyuhyun-ah. You have suffered too. Please forgive me, Kyuhyun-ah." Jongwoon's voice is just as Kyuhyun and Donghae remembers it to be only this time more soft and apologetic.
"As long as you are mine."
"Always, Kyuhyun. I promised you, always, and even after forever." Kyuhyun nods and wraps his arm around Jongwoon's shoulder.
They turn to face Donghae and both smile at him with Jongwoon putting a finger over his lips. Donghae nods fervently in understanding while tears start falling from his eyes. Kyuhyun and Jongwoon wave at him, their final goodbye before they walk towards the setting sun. Donghae waves back while crying and smiling. Hyukjae notices that Donghae isn't beside him and finds him waving at the sunset. He calls out for Donghae who immediately walks to him while wiping his tears on his sleeves.
"What's wrong, Hae?"
"Oh, nothing, Nothing, Hyukkie. I'm just happy because they are happy now. Forever and after."
********************