Manic High
Dear Diary,
so I'm on a manic high again. Great. It means that I cant sleep and my mind is going a million miles a minute. Why am I manic? I always get manic when I get happy. I just met this guy named Josh today. It was a out of the blue meeting. I was suppose to meet Nick earlier and have dinner or something but he ended up having to goto SF and had other plans and cant make it. Nick is really nice when I told him that I'm vegetarian. He just said "oh, well, instead of Crabs, I'll bbq you anything you want." That was sweet. but his BBQ is tomorrow and I'm meeeting Joseph tomorrow.
So, when I met up with Josh, I got uncomfortable because it was at night time and he picked me up and started driving around. I had no idea where he was going. We definitely werent going to his place so I texted Dawn "I hope I dont get kidnapped. I'm serious." but Josh was just driving around for a place to get ciggies. I wanted ciggies and he wanted ciggies so we decided to split a pack. We ended up hanging out in his truck on my street. I felt a lot safer there. He's a decent guy. He reminds me a lot of Rich but he knows about cars VERY much. He suggested that I go into avionics. I get certified in avionics and then I can do anything I want. I guess he said that since I have the background in computers, I should go for it.
We just smoked in his truck and sat in there and chatted for a while. He's pretty hot. He does piping and stuff but is going to go into airplane tech. lol. he knows how to fix cars really well. He said that he'll look at my car when it's daytime. He said that if he tries to listen to it now, he'll want to look into things and look at things.
We chatted for quite a while. in the beginning he was trying to talk me into going to his buddies and hanging there all night. I was like "no way." I would not like to hang out with him and his friend....that wouldnt be me. also, there's more risk involved if I'm with 2 guys than 1 guy. esp if I dont even know the guy. I thought he was just going to leave and go hangout with his friends but he said that we can at least meet first. So we did and I use people to mood alternate me. Which is bad. My old therapist Bobbie said that. She said that I use people to mood alternate.
How do I stop using people to mood alternate? I could have sworn I asked that in class but I forgot what her answer was. How do I stop? I always go manic whenever I meet someone and they see me as "energetic and outgoing" whereas, I'm just "manic" and they dont know that.
It's like, I "need" this "high" whenever I go and meet up with someone esp a guy. I know I'll be in a heaven high if I ended up making out with any of these guys that I met.
I seriously wondered what would have happened if I metup with Mark when I first met him a long time ago and started making moves on him. Mark and I didnt hookup until after we became bf/gf.
Just like today, right now, I'll always wonder what happened if I tried kissing Josh. Will he kiss me back? or will he get all weird on me. On okcupid, I screen out guys who only want sex. I dont only want sex. I want friendship and sex. So, it's both of those for me. If I connect with a guy mentally then I'll easily want to connect with a guy physically.
I wonder what will happen with Joseph tomorrow? He's gonna try to fix my neck. He's the massage therapist that talks too much and we keep trying to cut each other off when we talk on the phone. I hate that. I wish he would listen to me and then talk after I'm done but we both cut each other off. He seems so dedicated to his work and his house. He owns a house and all. In Rancho no less. and in a really nice place too. It's off of Hazel. Lol. I used to live right next to that place. Blah.
okay, I already took my meds so I should go have a last smoke and then goto bed.
Goodnight! I hope my meds work and keep me from going too manic tonight! but any guy that bluntly askes me for sex means "goodbye." to me. you do not ask a girl for sex. that's crazy. you do what most guys do "want sex but holds back and is hesistant." It's more exciting that way. Bluntly saying "let's have sex" unless we're already intimate, is definitely a no no. I mean if we're already intimate then sure, that's polite and nice and straight forward but if I've never been with this guy before and all the other connections arent there, then I wouldnt want to have sex anyways. It's just too physical for me. not my thing. All the guys I end up sleeping with doesnt ask for sex, they just try to get affectionate and get me in the mood and either it works or it doesnt and if it doesn't then it means that I'm not into you or I'm only into your friendship. Usually, I try to only meet hot guys but sometimes I end up meeting someone that's not that hot and I dont see myself physically attracted to.
I'm still into Jaime. lol. He's so fucking hot. actually, I still think Mark is fucking hot but I screwed things up so boohoo for me.
so I'm on a manic high again. Great. It means that I cant sleep and my mind is going a million miles a minute. Why am I manic? I always get manic when I get happy. I just met this guy named Josh today. It was a out of the blue meeting. I was suppose to meet Nick earlier and have dinner or something but he ended up having to goto SF and had other plans and cant make it. Nick is really nice when I told him that I'm vegetarian. He just said "oh, well, instead of Crabs, I'll bbq you anything you want." That was sweet. but his BBQ is tomorrow and I'm meeeting Joseph tomorrow.
So, when I met up with Josh, I got uncomfortable because it was at night time and he picked me up and started driving around. I had no idea where he was going. We definitely werent going to his place so I texted Dawn "I hope I dont get kidnapped. I'm serious." but Josh was just driving around for a place to get ciggies. I wanted ciggies and he wanted ciggies so we decided to split a pack. We ended up hanging out in his truck on my street. I felt a lot safer there. He's a decent guy. He reminds me a lot of Rich but he knows about cars VERY much. He suggested that I go into avionics. I get certified in avionics and then I can do anything I want. I guess he said that since I have the background in computers, I should go for it.
We just smoked in his truck and sat in there and chatted for a while. He's pretty hot. He does piping and stuff but is going to go into airplane tech. lol. he knows how to fix cars really well. He said that he'll look at my car when it's daytime. He said that if he tries to listen to it now, he'll want to look into things and look at things.
We chatted for quite a while. in the beginning he was trying to talk me into going to his buddies and hanging there all night. I was like "no way." I would not like to hang out with him and his friend....that wouldnt be me. also, there's more risk involved if I'm with 2 guys than 1 guy. esp if I dont even know the guy. I thought he was just going to leave and go hangout with his friends but he said that we can at least meet first. So we did and I use people to mood alternate me. Which is bad. My old therapist Bobbie said that. She said that I use people to mood alternate.
How do I stop using people to mood alternate? I could have sworn I asked that in class but I forgot what her answer was. How do I stop? I always go manic whenever I meet someone and they see me as "energetic and outgoing" whereas, I'm just "manic" and they dont know that.
It's like, I "need" this "high" whenever I go and meet up with someone esp a guy. I know I'll be in a heaven high if I ended up making out with any of these guys that I met.
I seriously wondered what would have happened if I metup with Mark when I first met him a long time ago and started making moves on him. Mark and I didnt hookup until after we became bf/gf.
Just like today, right now, I'll always wonder what happened if I tried kissing Josh. Will he kiss me back? or will he get all weird on me. On okcupid, I screen out guys who only want sex. I dont only want sex. I want friendship and sex. So, it's both of those for me. If I connect with a guy mentally then I'll easily want to connect with a guy physically.
I wonder what will happen with Joseph tomorrow? He's gonna try to fix my neck. He's the massage therapist that talks too much and we keep trying to cut each other off when we talk on the phone. I hate that. I wish he would listen to me and then talk after I'm done but we both cut each other off. He seems so dedicated to his work and his house. He owns a house and all. In Rancho no less. and in a really nice place too. It's off of Hazel. Lol. I used to live right next to that place. Blah.
okay, I already took my meds so I should go have a last smoke and then goto bed.
Goodnight! I hope my meds work and keep me from going too manic tonight! but any guy that bluntly askes me for sex means "goodbye." to me. you do not ask a girl for sex. that's crazy. you do what most guys do "want sex but holds back and is hesistant." It's more exciting that way. Bluntly saying "let's have sex" unless we're already intimate, is definitely a no no. I mean if we're already intimate then sure, that's polite and nice and straight forward but if I've never been with this guy before and all the other connections arent there, then I wouldnt want to have sex anyways. It's just too physical for me. not my thing. All the guys I end up sleeping with doesnt ask for sex, they just try to get affectionate and get me in the mood and either it works or it doesnt and if it doesn't then it means that I'm not into you or I'm only into your friendship. Usually, I try to only meet hot guys but sometimes I end up meeting someone that's not that hot and I dont see myself physically attracted to.
I'm still into Jaime. lol. He's so fucking hot. actually, I still think Mark is fucking hot but I screwed things up so boohoo for me.