"Immunization"
[ooc: I suck at titles, sorry. Based on Angel's explanation to Cordy as to why he was immune to Billy's touch in the S3 episode "Billy". It never gelled with how I saw Angelus and Angel's symbiotic relationship, or Angelus himself. So, this is my answer.]
"All that anger and hatred that Billy brought out in others? That's something I lost a long time ago."
"Even when you were evil?" Cordelia asked.
"I never hated my victims, I never killed out of anger, it was always about the - pain and the pleasure."
Cordelia was silent for a moment, going through the smooth motions of the kata with Angel. "Huh," she finally voiced. "So, I guess you could say your demonness makes you less petty than humans. Almost noble--I mean, in a twisted, dark and really disturbing kind of way."
Angel kept silent in response to that.
--
--
You lied to her. Angelus was a smug presence in his mind later that night as Angel showered after his training session with Cordelia.
I didn't lie to her. He didn't say -think- that he didn't know what the demon was talking about. Unfortunately, lying to Angelus was impossible, besides utterly pointless.
"I lost that pain and anger a long time ago," Angelus mimicked, throwing in the whining tone he always used when repeating Angel's words back to him.
"Yeah?" Angel asked out loud caustically as he got out of the shower and grabbed a towel. "And what was I s'posed to tell her instead? She'd been scared enough."
Are we talking about the same loud-mouthed bitch? Angelus scoffed, making Angel press his lips together angrily at the insult to Cordy. 'Cause from where I was standing, I think she was the only one not afraid. And I am including you in that, ya pansy-ass.
"She doesn't need to know!" Angel yelled angrily into the empty room.
Angelus sat back in his metaphorical space and waited, still very smug.
"What are you," Angel muttered, beginning to pace, "my fucking conscience?" He only cursed when he was angry beyond thinking straight, and only Angelus ever pushed him over the edge like that, anymore.
Someone's gotta be. And I gotta admit, it is fun watching you torture yourself. It's like you don't even need me anymore.
Angel stayed silent, both in and outside his head, as he got dressed for bed. Through it all, Angelus was a patient, malevolent presence at the back of his mind.
"She doesn't need to know," Angel uttered again once he was in bed.
Like she doesn't already. Angelus was also quieter now, but Angel knew he hadn't lost any interest in the topic. He was a snake, coiled and motionless, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
"It's not the same. She saw what I'd done, to Darla and the lawyers, but it doesn't-- I just got her back," he confessed. "I can't lose her again."
You don't have her now. Butter wouldn't melt in the demon's proverbial mouth. He was at his most persuasive, and even Angel had a hard time not lending credence to his words, knowing not to trust the demon.
"She's my friend again. That's all I can ask for."
Yeah. 'Cause you're a masochist! You want everything to be hearts and fucking roses with her. Too bad reality has to intrude and shit all over your flower path.
"Now you're just trying to annoy me." Angel ignored Angelus's point, and the demon took notice.
And you're trying to be something you're not. Someone you're not. You act like it's just you in here, Soulboy, unless it's convenient to blame me for something. If he were corporeal, Angelus would have taken a deep breath, before changing tactics. You'd think you would want her to know. How much control you have over your emotions. Over me. You even conquered that brat Billy's touch.
"No."
Why not?
Angel refused to answer, and they both knew then that Angelus had won this round.
You don't want her to know just how close to the surface I am. Just how close we are to each other. Let them think it's neat and tidy. 'The demon's locked up inside, everyone's safe. Oh, except when I turn homicidal.'
"So instead I should've told her the truth? That the exact opposite is true? That I have so much pain, and rage built up inside me, at the world, at humans and the Powers That Be and myself, that Billy's touch had no affect on me? I've been fighting off those emotions for so long, his touch couldn't bring them to the surface, because they're already there? Always?!"
Angelus was silent for a moment, then uttered, I couldn't have said it better myself.
"Fuck you."
"All that anger and hatred that Billy brought out in others? That's something I lost a long time ago."
"Even when you were evil?" Cordelia asked.
"I never hated my victims, I never killed out of anger, it was always about the - pain and the pleasure."
Cordelia was silent for a moment, going through the smooth motions of the kata with Angel. "Huh," she finally voiced. "So, I guess you could say your demonness makes you less petty than humans. Almost noble--I mean, in a twisted, dark and really disturbing kind of way."
Angel kept silent in response to that.
--
--
You lied to her. Angelus was a smug presence in his mind later that night as Angel showered after his training session with Cordelia.
I didn't lie to her. He didn't say -think- that he didn't know what the demon was talking about. Unfortunately, lying to Angelus was impossible, besides utterly pointless.
"I lost that pain and anger a long time ago," Angelus mimicked, throwing in the whining tone he always used when repeating Angel's words back to him.
"Yeah?" Angel asked out loud caustically as he got out of the shower and grabbed a towel. "And what was I s'posed to tell her instead? She'd been scared enough."
Are we talking about the same loud-mouthed bitch? Angelus scoffed, making Angel press his lips together angrily at the insult to Cordy. 'Cause from where I was standing, I think she was the only one not afraid. And I am including you in that, ya pansy-ass.
"She doesn't need to know!" Angel yelled angrily into the empty room.
Angelus sat back in his metaphorical space and waited, still very smug.
"What are you," Angel muttered, beginning to pace, "my fucking conscience?" He only cursed when he was angry beyond thinking straight, and only Angelus ever pushed him over the edge like that, anymore.
Someone's gotta be. And I gotta admit, it is fun watching you torture yourself. It's like you don't even need me anymore.
Angel stayed silent, both in and outside his head, as he got dressed for bed. Through it all, Angelus was a patient, malevolent presence at the back of his mind.
"She doesn't need to know," Angel uttered again once he was in bed.
Like she doesn't already. Angelus was also quieter now, but Angel knew he hadn't lost any interest in the topic. He was a snake, coiled and motionless, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
"It's not the same. She saw what I'd done, to Darla and the lawyers, but it doesn't-- I just got her back," he confessed. "I can't lose her again."
You don't have her now. Butter wouldn't melt in the demon's proverbial mouth. He was at his most persuasive, and even Angel had a hard time not lending credence to his words, knowing not to trust the demon.
"She's my friend again. That's all I can ask for."
Yeah. 'Cause you're a masochist! You want everything to be hearts and fucking roses with her. Too bad reality has to intrude and shit all over your flower path.
"Now you're just trying to annoy me." Angel ignored Angelus's point, and the demon took notice.
And you're trying to be something you're not. Someone you're not. You act like it's just you in here, Soulboy, unless it's convenient to blame me for something. If he were corporeal, Angelus would have taken a deep breath, before changing tactics. You'd think you would want her to know. How much control you have over your emotions. Over me. You even conquered that brat Billy's touch.
"No."
Why not?
Angel refused to answer, and they both knew then that Angelus had won this round.
You don't want her to know just how close to the surface I am. Just how close we are to each other. Let them think it's neat and tidy. 'The demon's locked up inside, everyone's safe. Oh, except when I turn homicidal.'
"So instead I should've told her the truth? That the exact opposite is true? That I have so much pain, and rage built up inside me, at the world, at humans and the Powers That Be and myself, that Billy's touch had no affect on me? I've been fighting off those emotions for so long, his touch couldn't bring them to the surface, because they're already there? Always?!"
Angelus was silent for a moment, then uttered, I couldn't have said it better myself.
"Fuck you."