Now i'm at a crossroad with no idea which route to take....
I haven't updated in a lil' while because that which i have runnin' through m'mind had the potential to really upset Red if not presented right....well, i'm still not convinced i presented it correctly, but now that it's out i can talk a lil' 'bout it....y'see....i have more than a minor conflict of interests....
M'lady, my soul mate, my girl....Red....she has very specific ideas on what she wants to do with her life....and she's doin' what she needs to do to obtain' 'em...she's (for the most part, she still hasn't figured out what to do far as relationships go) gettin' everything she wants....or at least she's on th'right path....my goals in life are far less specific....i simply wanna be able to financially take care of myself...i want to be able to pay my bills, own a vehicle (or two since i want a bike), eat when i'm hungry, and still have enough money to have some semblance of a life and not have to worry from paycheck to paycheck....
which brings me to this new job i've aquired...i'm already making 7 dollars an hour, a steady 40 hours a week, i get every weekend off, and i have the opportunity to have any overtime i could possibly want....in 45 days (from the time i started the job, so less now) i'll automatically make it to 8 an hour and from what Chip tells me, in a lil' over a year (give or take, it's never an exact science) i could be makin' up to 12.50.....considering that my mom revealed to me that she was able to support a family of 4 on 10.00 an hour, i could do real good for myself if it was just me with 12.50....i could have my own place, my own vehicle, and live nicely for m'self....
but to do that, i'd have to stay here and not go to Cali with Red....
Last night was the night before Halloween, and the night most of my area was celebrating it since there's the whole "work thing" monday morning...so i got dressed up (and took a few really bad pics attire on webcam) and went out to Downtown ('parently i didn't learn my lesson and went out anyway in spite of what happened last week)....i got there about nine, had a couple drinks, (two total all night) and just roamed the streets alone....and that's when it hit me....here i am, in town, at night, totally vamped out, on my fave night of the year, surrounded by people, and i've never felt more alone in my life...i was already at home and in bed by 1:00 that night....a real early night for one of my "going out" weekends....
i know that if i'd been out there with Red things woulda been different...i'da had her with me....i'da made her do somethin' that night...and we'da had a blast just cuz we mostly do when we're together....
so last night i realized what my big problem is....i can either stay here, and make a life for myself....the type of life i've always wanted....but be utterly alone....
or i can join up with th'one good thing in my life that hasn't been taken from me yet....but be completely helpless in what's to come....i'd be forced to move when she does, without any real say in it cuz let's face it...her millitary outranks whatever reasons i could ever think to stay in an area....so my life would be in her hands....and let's not even talk about the financial situation...Red's set in that department....she's got a steady job for now....i on the other hand have no guarantees.....
so what do i do....i wish i knew....each option is so appealing....each has so much to offer me....but i'd be missing out on either....and the decision i want to make doesn't feel like the one i should....so i go to the other, but that doesn't feel completely right either....
i don't know what to do....
-Just a lil' trip inside my head...hope you enjoyed the ride...
M'lady, my soul mate, my girl....Red....she has very specific ideas on what she wants to do with her life....and she's doin' what she needs to do to obtain' 'em...she's (for the most part, she still hasn't figured out what to do far as relationships go) gettin' everything she wants....or at least she's on th'right path....my goals in life are far less specific....i simply wanna be able to financially take care of myself...i want to be able to pay my bills, own a vehicle (or two since i want a bike), eat when i'm hungry, and still have enough money to have some semblance of a life and not have to worry from paycheck to paycheck....
which brings me to this new job i've aquired...i'm already making 7 dollars an hour, a steady 40 hours a week, i get every weekend off, and i have the opportunity to have any overtime i could possibly want....in 45 days (from the time i started the job, so less now) i'll automatically make it to 8 an hour and from what Chip tells me, in a lil' over a year (give or take, it's never an exact science) i could be makin' up to 12.50.....considering that my mom revealed to me that she was able to support a family of 4 on 10.00 an hour, i could do real good for myself if it was just me with 12.50....i could have my own place, my own vehicle, and live nicely for m'self....
but to do that, i'd have to stay here and not go to Cali with Red....
Last night was the night before Halloween, and the night most of my area was celebrating it since there's the whole "work thing" monday morning...so i got dressed up (and took a few really bad pics attire on webcam) and went out to Downtown ('parently i didn't learn my lesson and went out anyway in spite of what happened last week)....i got there about nine, had a couple drinks, (two total all night) and just roamed the streets alone....and that's when it hit me....here i am, in town, at night, totally vamped out, on my fave night of the year, surrounded by people, and i've never felt more alone in my life...i was already at home and in bed by 1:00 that night....a real early night for one of my "going out" weekends....
i know that if i'd been out there with Red things woulda been different...i'da had her with me....i'da made her do somethin' that night...and we'da had a blast just cuz we mostly do when we're together....
so last night i realized what my big problem is....i can either stay here, and make a life for myself....the type of life i've always wanted....but be utterly alone....
or i can join up with th'one good thing in my life that hasn't been taken from me yet....but be completely helpless in what's to come....i'd be forced to move when she does, without any real say in it cuz let's face it...her millitary outranks whatever reasons i could ever think to stay in an area....so my life would be in her hands....and let's not even talk about the financial situation...Red's set in that department....she's got a steady job for now....i on the other hand have no guarantees.....
so what do i do....i wish i knew....each option is so appealing....each has so much to offer me....but i'd be missing out on either....and the decision i want to make doesn't feel like the one i should....so i go to the other, but that doesn't feel completely right either....
i don't know what to do....
-Just a lil' trip inside my head...hope you enjoyed the ride...