I hate that I am bored with my life.
I'm feeling a little run down.
My body is mad at me.
I am constantly on the move...
It seems like I never have time to myslef.
Unless I'm in the car driving to my next destination.
I have nowhere to go to just... be.
Just to relax...
I'm always in between homes.
on the run.
and im tired.
It's hurting.
You never realize how convinient it is to have a home.
To have that permanant place... where you know you will eventually end up.
At the end of your day....
you can just go to YOUR room... YOUR bed.
YOUR family.
I always used to hate it too.
Going home.
I kind of wish I would have taken advantage of it now.
It seems like I haven't been home for... almost a year.
Ever since Andrew died.
Even before that, I wasn't home very often.
I only prolonged my homelessness...
It would be nice to have a place to end up at night.
where I don't have to feel like a guest.
Most people I talk to tell me how bored they get at home.
thats understandable too.
But, I can't help but resent them for taking advantage of what they have.
It's sad to see people complaining.
When it could be so much worse.
Look at what you do have.
I try not to complain.
and it bothers me sometimes when people can't do the same.
Like... are you serious??
are you serious?
But still, I try and understand.
I used to like being out all the time.
At least, I didn't mind it.
To always have something going on.
Even if nothing was going on.. I was still out.
The tables have been turned.
I'm bored with it.
It's all just routine now.
The same faces.
The same procedure.
I hate that it no longer amuses me.
I hate it.
Like... it's not fair for the people that I am around.
Because deep inside, I don't really WANT to be there.
I just am.
Because that's what I do...
Every day.
I hate that I have to TRY and find fun in my situations.
And that I usually have a lot of trouble finding it.
It's just... not exciting anymore.
The same nonsense everyday.
When will it end?
I'm tired.
Im hurting.
I feel old.
Fuck the fast lane.
I eat one meal every day.
This is because I eat fast food.
I can only afford one meal a day.
One shitty, unhealthy, prosessed meal.
I remember when eating out was something to look forward to.
Like, "oooh... burger king... that sounds good right now."
no.
I am so fucking sick of fast food.
I hate it all.
I only eat because I am aware that if I don't, I could possibly die.
and thats about it.
What I would do for a home cooked meal.
I can't even remember the last time I sat down at a table
with family
or anyone for that matter
and ate a real meal.
I seriously could not tell you.
My dad has a new "lady friend"
she is staying at the house.
Not very welcoming for me.
Another reason why I only go there to feed my cat.
I feel so bad though.
Like... I feel like a goddamn orphan.
I hate accepting charity.
I hate that I have to.
I hate that I could possibly be a burden on people.
Especially phil.
Although he says he wants to take care of me...
my point is, he shouldn't have to.
He shouldn't have to.
So... sometimes I just go and park somewhere
listen to sad music
and cry.
Because it's sad that I have nowhere else to go.
Because I don't want to be in anyone's way.
People deserve their time away from me.
And, so I give it to them.
Because truthfully, I am alone without the people who I depend on to...
get me through the day.
If I had no activity...
no destination...
I would be sitting in my car crying all the time.
Wondering where to go.
Realizing there was nowhere.
But, I can't complain.
I shouldn't complain.
What doesnt kill us makes us stronger
yadda yadda.
It's never ending.
______________________________________________
Mother.
Father.
How does love die?
_How could you
let it
_fall
__apart
Inevitability
_given time
Will become
_fortold truth.
Following the procedure.
No questions asked.
_This
__can't
___be
____real
I look at the pieces
shattered.
Each going it's own
unknown way
I glance through
_the silence
And wonder
___What went wrong.
Who are we?
_Where
__is
___my
____home?
_ _ _ _ _ _
My body is mad at me.
I am constantly on the move...
It seems like I never have time to myslef.
Unless I'm in the car driving to my next destination.
I have nowhere to go to just... be.
Just to relax...
I'm always in between homes.
on the run.
and im tired.
It's hurting.
You never realize how convinient it is to have a home.
To have that permanant place... where you know you will eventually end up.
At the end of your day....
you can just go to YOUR room... YOUR bed.
YOUR family.
I always used to hate it too.
Going home.
I kind of wish I would have taken advantage of it now.
It seems like I haven't been home for... almost a year.
Ever since Andrew died.
Even before that, I wasn't home very often.
I only prolonged my homelessness...
It would be nice to have a place to end up at night.
where I don't have to feel like a guest.
Most people I talk to tell me how bored they get at home.
thats understandable too.
But, I can't help but resent them for taking advantage of what they have.
It's sad to see people complaining.
When it could be so much worse.
Look at what you do have.
I try not to complain.
and it bothers me sometimes when people can't do the same.
Like... are you serious??
are you serious?
But still, I try and understand.
I used to like being out all the time.
At least, I didn't mind it.
To always have something going on.
Even if nothing was going on.. I was still out.
The tables have been turned.
I'm bored with it.
It's all just routine now.
The same faces.
The same procedure.
I hate that it no longer amuses me.
I hate it.
Like... it's not fair for the people that I am around.
Because deep inside, I don't really WANT to be there.
I just am.
Because that's what I do...
Every day.
I hate that I have to TRY and find fun in my situations.
And that I usually have a lot of trouble finding it.
It's just... not exciting anymore.
The same nonsense everyday.
When will it end?
I'm tired.
Im hurting.
I feel old.
Fuck the fast lane.
I eat one meal every day.
This is because I eat fast food.
I can only afford one meal a day.
One shitty, unhealthy, prosessed meal.
I remember when eating out was something to look forward to.
Like, "oooh... burger king... that sounds good right now."
no.
I am so fucking sick of fast food.
I hate it all.
I only eat because I am aware that if I don't, I could possibly die.
and thats about it.
What I would do for a home cooked meal.
I can't even remember the last time I sat down at a table
with family
or anyone for that matter
and ate a real meal.
I seriously could not tell you.
My dad has a new "lady friend"
she is staying at the house.
Not very welcoming for me.
Another reason why I only go there to feed my cat.
I feel so bad though.
Like... I feel like a goddamn orphan.
I hate accepting charity.
I hate that I have to.
I hate that I could possibly be a burden on people.
Especially phil.
Although he says he wants to take care of me...
my point is, he shouldn't have to.
He shouldn't have to.
So... sometimes I just go and park somewhere
listen to sad music
and cry.
Because it's sad that I have nowhere else to go.
Because I don't want to be in anyone's way.
People deserve their time away from me.
And, so I give it to them.
Because truthfully, I am alone without the people who I depend on to...
get me through the day.
If I had no activity...
no destination...
I would be sitting in my car crying all the time.
Wondering where to go.
Realizing there was nowhere.
But, I can't complain.
I shouldn't complain.
What doesnt kill us makes us stronger
yadda yadda.
It's never ending.
______________________________________________
Mother.
Father.
How does love die?
_How could you
let it
_fall
__apart
Inevitability
_given time
Will become
_fortold truth.
Following the procedure.
No questions asked.
_This
__can't
___be
____real
I look at the pieces
shattered.
Each going it's own
unknown way
I glance through
_the silence
And wonder
___What went wrong.
Who are we?
_Where
__is
___my
____home?
_ _ _ _ _ _