(no subject)
This deals with suicidal friends and the concept of actual risk versus emotional expression.
The difference between at-risk individuals and those who are not at risk is recognized as the reasoning/intention/actions of the person. The difference between suicidal ideation and intention is thinking/doing. I don't see the need to explain these concepts to the people involved, because it is common sense. My mother and her constant suicide attempts were a mixed result of poor coping skills and actual intention to leave her life behind. She was unhappy and sought alleviation through occasional breaks from reality. From what I understand, only the first attempt was actually suicidal intent, where as the rest were an expression of the perceived pain she had found no other way to escape.
This is not about my mother, this is about me. I have had the influence of suicidal thinking in my life for far more than a decade. So when someone comes to me, telling me that want to die, it is not something I can take lightly. I know that it is a place everyone may end up at. Despite the disordered nature of suicidal thinking, I believe there is some small amount of positivity in that dark place. I better appreciate my life from being there. I know others can agree with this sentiment.
So my beef is not with the actual fact of suicidal thinking, it is the way people handle it. Taking responsibility for your decision is among the hardest aspects of the topic situation, I understand that. But the self-righteous portion of claiming control over your life, the designated time assigned to this form in this plane, requires it. Especially with those old enough to realize what they are intending, what message they are sending. Because regardless of the personal nature of suicide, it is ridiculous to think that there will be no one affected. Even at my earliest, I acknowledged in some small part that concept.
So, person whom, I cannot say this to directly, I hope you live through this time. You are not making this any easier on yourself. Your ideals of selflessness are a construct built of insecurity. I will not claim to know the particulars, but you are trapped in a form that is subject to a whole plethora of unpleasantries. It is not weakness to feel this way. Stop being afraid of blame and being thought of as selfish. Get the fuck off the fence, acknowledge what you are doing. I know you're sad. I know you're hurting. You are refusing to move out of a bad situation, thinking that you are doing some smidgen of good. In actuality, you are worsening your suffering, and that of the involved party. Let it go. Stop trying to place responsibility for your own pain and confusion onto them.
On a selfish note, I have really needed some kind of support through losing my mother. I've been respectful of what others are going through, but it is nearing the time when it is unhealthy to keep going as I am. You couldn't except someone who broke a leg to run a marathon. I cannot keep up. So once more, to the person who I cannot speak this to, and those others involved, I am taking a break. Forgive the distance, it will not last forever.