I never asked to love...
I got back from Virginia today. I've never felt so mentally destroyed before... I thought getting away would be good for me, I figured I just needed a small break but the whole time I was there I didn't want to be there and the whole flight back I didn't want to come back. I didn't know where I wanted to be, I just wanted to feel peace. I missed Tayler a lot, when I saw him I felt happy for the first time since I left. I felt so attacked in Virginia, I felt so sad...I tried really hard to just be me but being me wasn't good enough. I thought the whole entire trip...normally I'd say it was good and it helped me figure things out but it made me even more confused. I just don't get anything lately, I try so hard but it just seems impossible. I tried really hard to be okay with myself and everything and I feel like this trip made me lose everything I had gained.
I found myself constantly thinking about him, wanting to be with him or just hear his voice. Every time I would open my wallet to pay for something I'd catch myself staring at his picture. I constantly thought of the little things I miss, the things other people might think of as small or meaningless but always meant the world to me. His kisses on my nose or cheek, him moving my hair from my face, him petting my nose, the way he looked at me, the way he always said my name...the way he always wanted to hold my hand, and he always loved the little kisses. I miss smiling at him and him smiling back at me, I miss being able to say "I like you lots and lots" and then doing some stupid grin. I miss him sayin g "That's my Ica...", I miss people asking if we were together and I could say yes. I miss knowing that when he leaves the room he doesn't leave without coming up to me and doing something to let me know he knows I'm there. I miss being able to expect a hug before I leave...I miss him annoying me with his feet, laying on the couch together, cuddling under a huge blanket. I miss him holding me, I miss arguing over who gets to pay. I miss being his... I hate that I can't do anything about it but accept it, and I'll never be allowed to tell him how I feel.
I have to make a really big decision...I try and not think about it because everytime I do it just makes me sick. I know it would be good for me, but...its just such a big step.
All of this is really weighing me down...I try making them both happy along with everyone else and myself but I always fail. I always get myself into some kind of crap with one or the other. I'd never ask them to randomly be okay with eachother I just wish they could be okay with the fact I'm friends with both of them and I'm going to spend time with both of them. I wish they'd just be happy with the time I give them, or happy I atleast give them time. I wish they saw my effort...and that I'm truly trying.
I found myself constantly thinking about him, wanting to be with him or just hear his voice. Every time I would open my wallet to pay for something I'd catch myself staring at his picture. I constantly thought of the little things I miss, the things other people might think of as small or meaningless but always meant the world to me. His kisses on my nose or cheek, him moving my hair from my face, him petting my nose, the way he looked at me, the way he always said my name...the way he always wanted to hold my hand, and he always loved the little kisses. I miss smiling at him and him smiling back at me, I miss being able to say "I like you lots and lots" and then doing some stupid grin. I miss him sayin g "That's my Ica...", I miss people asking if we were together and I could say yes. I miss knowing that when he leaves the room he doesn't leave without coming up to me and doing something to let me know he knows I'm there. I miss being able to expect a hug before I leave...I miss him annoying me with his feet, laying on the couch together, cuddling under a huge blanket. I miss him holding me, I miss arguing over who gets to pay. I miss being his... I hate that I can't do anything about it but accept it, and I'll never be allowed to tell him how I feel.
I have to make a really big decision...I try and not think about it because everytime I do it just makes me sick. I know it would be good for me, but...its just such a big step.
All of this is really weighing me down...I try making them both happy along with everyone else and myself but I always fail. I always get myself into some kind of crap with one or the other. I'd never ask them to randomly be okay with eachother I just wish they could be okay with the fact I'm friends with both of them and I'm going to spend time with both of them. I wish they'd just be happy with the time I give them, or happy I atleast give them time. I wish they saw my effort...and that I'm truly trying.