2004 Dawin Awards
Yes, these are all true. They are finally out
again. It's an annual honor given to the person
who did the gene pool the biggest service by
killing themselves in the most extraordinarily
stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who
was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over
on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free
soda out of it.
And the nominees this year in reverse order
are.....
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of
getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money
with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him
ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his
house. The resulting explosion and fire burned
his house down, killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the
basement of his home died of suffocation,
according to police. He was aproximately 6' 2"
tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a
pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle
shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was
trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He
was also wearing a military gas mask that had the
filter canister removed and a rubber hose
attached in its place. The other end was inserted
into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the
cause of his suffocation. Police found the task
of explaining the circumstances of his death to
his family very awkward.
(Damn it...I want pictures!!!)
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light
aircraft at low altitude when another plane
approached. It appears that they decided to moon
the occupants of the other plane, but lost
control of their own aircraft and crashed.
They were all found dead in the wreakage with
their pants around their ankles..
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man
was found dead after he tried to use octopus
straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia,
a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps
together, wrapped one end around one foot,
anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake
Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his
car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he assembled was
greater than the distance between the trestle and
the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the
apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites.
It seems that he and a friend were playing a game
of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards
candidate, was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west
Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly,
management evacuated the building, extinguishing
all potential sources of ignition; lights, power,
etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two
technicians from the gas company were dispatched.
Upon entering the building, they found they
had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their
frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses
later described the sight of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded,
sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.
The technician suspected of causing the blast had
never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
..AND THE WINNER OF THE 2004 DARWIN AWARD SHOULD
BE....
Based on a bet by the other members of his
threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own
"balls" in a ball washer at the local golf
course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are
a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball
washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine.
Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the
ante by spinning the crank on the machine with
Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them
solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who
immediately passed his threshold of pain,
collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball
washer was more than a foot higher off the ground
than his testicles are in a normal stance, and
the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's
scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one
testicle was plucked from him forever and
remained in the washer, while the other testicle
was compressed and flattened as it was pulled
between the housing of the washer, and the
rotating machinary inside.
To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300
driver that he had just purchased from the pro
shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez
was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the
remaining threesome were asked to leave the
course.
NOTE: This last one wouldn't normally count,
because the idiot didn't die. But because he
cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying
act of stupidity, we have allowed it.
again. It's an annual honor given to the person
who did the gene pool the biggest service by
killing themselves in the most extraordinarily
stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who
was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over
on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free
soda out of it.
And the nominees this year in reverse order
are.....
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of
getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money
with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him
ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his
house. The resulting explosion and fire burned
his house down, killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the
basement of his home died of suffocation,
according to police. He was aproximately 6' 2"
tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a
pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle
shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was
trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He
was also wearing a military gas mask that had the
filter canister removed and a rubber hose
attached in its place. The other end was inserted
into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the
cause of his suffocation. Police found the task
of explaining the circumstances of his death to
his family very awkward.
(Damn it...I want pictures!!!)
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light
aircraft at low altitude when another plane
approached. It appears that they decided to moon
the occupants of the other plane, but lost
control of their own aircraft and crashed.
They were all found dead in the wreakage with
their pants around their ankles..
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man
was found dead after he tried to use octopus
straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia,
a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps
together, wrapped one end around one foot,
anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake
Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his
car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he assembled was
greater than the distance between the trestle and
the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the
apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites.
It seems that he and a friend were playing a game
of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards
candidate, was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west
Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly,
management evacuated the building, extinguishing
all potential sources of ignition; lights, power,
etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two
technicians from the gas company were dispatched.
Upon entering the building, they found they
had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their
frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses
later described the sight of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded,
sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.
The technician suspected of causing the blast had
never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
..AND THE WINNER OF THE 2004 DARWIN AWARD SHOULD
BE....
Based on a bet by the other members of his
threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own
"balls" in a ball washer at the local golf
course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are
a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball
washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine.
Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the
ante by spinning the crank on the machine with
Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them
solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who
immediately passed his threshold of pain,
collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball
washer was more than a foot higher off the ground
than his testicles are in a normal stance, and
the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's
scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one
testicle was plucked from him forever and
remained in the washer, while the other testicle
was compressed and flattened as it was pulled
between the housing of the washer, and the
rotating machinary inside.
To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300
driver that he had just purchased from the pro
shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez
was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the
remaining threesome were asked to leave the
course.
NOTE: This last one wouldn't normally count,
because the idiot didn't die. But because he
cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying
act of stupidity, we have allowed it.