i dont know how to explain it
well this has all been quite a ride i must say,
with everything that has been going on and how different things have been
i can only look forward into the future and hope its everything i thought it could be
the literal things in my life. and the unseen feelings.
how do i feel?
mostly good, but mostly like shit... i wish i had a magic fucking wand to fix this all obviously obviously obviously its NOT that simple... it takes time, lots and lots and lots of time.... and tears and heartache.... i hope we can make it through to the shiny ending of this crappy crazy BLAH fucking fucked up side, and get to the "good" life...
its funny the way we were talking about my life and how ive been the primary cause of everything that has fucked up, but in my eyes never the reason, and now in this i am.
i fucked up.
i am the reason for all of this.
i kinda wonder what our relationship would be like if none of this would have happened.
if i had never gone out as much as i did, would i have ever met alex and got the job at state farm
would i still be stuck running in my spinning wheel?
idk. i guess as michael puts it we shouldnt guess the "what ifs"
idk
i feel unhappy here.... at his house. i cant wait till I am able to be just relaxing in MY OWN living room
in my CLEAN own house.
i wanna a place i can make myself feel at home
were i walk in and it always smells nice and fresh like clean laundry
i will do my best to be the best at keeping MY family together always.
i cant wait for damien to be able to go to school, i hope my mom is right and she can get damien in next year,
i want him to excel i dont want him to be apart of his fathers poor family who eats fucking SOUP everyday because its all they can afford.
really. i want to give my little muchkin all the chicken he can eat even if its everyday!
i dont care i will go above and beyond for him, i cant wait imagne how wonderful thats going to be being able to have damien and jr going to the same school! i think its great for my brother to ya know because him and damien are like brothers, and i think in them growing up their devpolping a close relationship that will keep then close forever.
i miss damien.
idk
i feel like ive got so much on my mind.
i go to see the dr in a few weeks, should be interesting i guess.
its like all this waiting and waiting and years of saying i should
and with Michael actually pointing out whats wrong with me and what has been for years
idk, its weird.
idk I am looking forward to talking to the people
although
im a little scared.
apprehensive
i CANT WAIT TILL WE CAN MOVE OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i know he thinks im being irrational with my thoughts about Lani liking him but thats not just something you make ive been thinking about that from the get go.
fuck um.
let them stay here and do nothing
while i go out and grab life by the cahonaes
and get my shit together.
its almost like i want them to be jealous of me
aye.
i guess like before im getting side tracked.
i guess im done for now..
with everything that has been going on and how different things have been
i can only look forward into the future and hope its everything i thought it could be
the literal things in my life. and the unseen feelings.
how do i feel?
mostly good, but mostly like shit... i wish i had a magic fucking wand to fix this all obviously obviously obviously its NOT that simple... it takes time, lots and lots and lots of time.... and tears and heartache.... i hope we can make it through to the shiny ending of this crappy crazy BLAH fucking fucked up side, and get to the "good" life...
its funny the way we were talking about my life and how ive been the primary cause of everything that has fucked up, but in my eyes never the reason, and now in this i am.
i fucked up.
i am the reason for all of this.
i kinda wonder what our relationship would be like if none of this would have happened.
if i had never gone out as much as i did, would i have ever met alex and got the job at state farm
would i still be stuck running in my spinning wheel?
idk. i guess as michael puts it we shouldnt guess the "what ifs"
idk
i feel unhappy here.... at his house. i cant wait till I am able to be just relaxing in MY OWN living room
in my CLEAN own house.
i wanna a place i can make myself feel at home
were i walk in and it always smells nice and fresh like clean laundry
i will do my best to be the best at keeping MY family together always.
i cant wait for damien to be able to go to school, i hope my mom is right and she can get damien in next year,
i want him to excel i dont want him to be apart of his fathers poor family who eats fucking SOUP everyday because its all they can afford.
really. i want to give my little muchkin all the chicken he can eat even if its everyday!
i dont care i will go above and beyond for him, i cant wait imagne how wonderful thats going to be being able to have damien and jr going to the same school! i think its great for my brother to ya know because him and damien are like brothers, and i think in them growing up their devpolping a close relationship that will keep then close forever.
i miss damien.
idk
i feel like ive got so much on my mind.
i go to see the dr in a few weeks, should be interesting i guess.
its like all this waiting and waiting and years of saying i should
and with Michael actually pointing out whats wrong with me and what has been for years
idk, its weird.
idk I am looking forward to talking to the people
although
im a little scared.
apprehensive
i CANT WAIT TILL WE CAN MOVE OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i know he thinks im being irrational with my thoughts about Lani liking him but thats not just something you make ive been thinking about that from the get go.
fuck um.
let them stay here and do nothing
while i go out and grab life by the cahonaes
and get my shit together.
its almost like i want them to be jealous of me
aye.
i guess like before im getting side tracked.
i guess im done for now..