maybe this will help
Not sure if any of this makes sense, but maybe hopefully it does.
Maybe it'll even help a little.
Phelpsy16: ugh
peskudniak: heyy
Phelpsy16: hi
Phelpsy16: how r u
peskudniak: perdy good
peskudniak: nick kane said you quit mb?
Phelpsy16: ya, I suppose I did...
peskudniak: what happened?
peskudniak: you suppose you did?
Phelpsy16: my mom went into guidance and told them I was dropping it
peskudniak: why??
Phelpsy16: she's a stupid fucking insensitive cold hearted bitch
peskudniak: wow
peskudniak: so youre not in band anymore?
Phelpsy16: no
peskudniak: wtf
Phelpsy16: YEAH!!!
peskudniak: so you dont know why your mom did it?
Phelpsy16: well, yeah, I do, and it's prob. my fault.
Phelpsy16: it's along long long story... the gist: i had been throwing words around about it, but I wasn't about to let everyone down, and MB was my life, so it's not like I was seriously going to leave, I was just overwhelmed, and I was throwing words around... but my mom sees it like I've been cutting, etc, making my self sick, staying up all night, etc etc etc, which i have, and it's kinda cought up to me, and I've been feeling really sick and weak lately, but she doesnt get that I CAN HANDLE IT, and she thinks that she needs to pull my life out from underneath me to make me get better which i do want to do, but...
peskudniak: yeah
peskudniak: she doesnt realize that could make it worse does she
Phelpsy16: nope... she just doesnt understand that MB was like my family
Phelpsy16: and I told her that and she got all offended and told me that she though that she, my dad, and beckie were my family
peskudniak: tell her you want to see a psychiatrist or something
Phelpsy16: I do see one! HE and MY OTHER DOCTOR both told her that pulling me out of band was the best decision
Phelpsy16: I was like you fucking bastards
peskudniak: jeez
peskudniak: you need to fire them
Phelpsy16: it's not my decision... I just sit there for an hour while they ask me questions I refuse to answer, and then my mom pays for it
Phelpsy16: DYSFUNCTIONAL MUCH!!!!!
peskudniak: jeezus
Phelpsy16: I can't figure out if I'm more angry or more sad, but i think i'm more angry
Phelpsy16: yeah, I'm wicked wicked angry and hurt, and disbelieving, and then every tuesday or thrusday or game night, or saturday practice, or even everytime I pass the band room, I cry, and then i see band people in the halls (especially eben and nick, and perc. people, and I just don't even know how to face them!
peskudniak: you need some help honey
peskudniak: really do
peskudniak: whos your guidance counsilor
Phelpsy16: mrs. schram... she's not much help, bc she has to do what my mom says, and she honestly thinks "It'll be alright, it'll be alright"
Phelpsy16: I just want to scream
peskudniak: is ms. b back in school?
Phelpsy16: not yet
peskudniak: jeez..
Phelpsy16: my mom called ms b, and my mom told me that ms. b. said "you gotta do what you gotta do" or something like that, and that my health is more important than marching band
Phelpsy16: and on some leverl, I understand that
Phelpsy16: but it's not like MB is going to kill me
peskudniak: i think not having marching band is more hazardous to your health
peskudniak: mentally and physically
Phelpsy16: yeah, what sucks tho, is that my first reaction when I'mmad is to, you know, find something sharp, and now that she knows how utterly angry and hurt etc she and my dad are watching me like a hawk.
Phelpsy16: they ask me all the time "are you hurting yourself?" "what can we do to help"
Phelpsy16: and because I was saying you can let me rejoin marching band, they started being like "what, other than letting you rejoin marching band, can we do to help... we want you to be ok, just let us in to your life" or some bull shit like that
peskudniak: jeez
Phelpsy16: I UNDERSTAND THAT THEY WANT TO HELP, BUT THEY WENT ABOUT IT ALL FUCKING WRONG!!!
Phelpsy16: ahhhhhhh
Phelpsy16: so now, it's just like this unspoken thing because i've stopped answering them, i speak to them as little as possible, and they seem to just think that i'm a rebellious teen who will grow out of this and get over it
Phelpsy16: which I suppose i will eventually be forced to do, I mean, I can't spend my entire rest of my high school career crying and feeling sorry for myself, and avoiding people, but it's just not right, you know?
peskudniak: yeah
Phelpsy16: ugh, so, I'm exhausted, and I can't stop coughing, so I'm gonna go lay down.
peskudniak: alright
peskudniak: feel better
peskudniak: dont do anything to hurt yourself
Phelpsy16: I can't promise you that i won't but I'm trying my best.
peskudniak: 988-9120 if you need to talk
peskudniak: i got a new cell
peskudniak: day or night
Phelpsy16: yay
Phelpsy16: thanks
Phelpsy16: I truly appreciate it, and congrats on ur new phone.
Phelpsy16: and just so u know
Phelpsy16: I do feel better having talked with you
peskudniak: good :-)
Phelpsy16: <3 ttyl
peskudniak: toodles
Phelpsy16: bye
Having had that conversation, I KINDA do understand that I need to get better and stuff, because the first thing I do when i'm mad or overwhelmed SHOULD NOT be to reach for something sharp, i realize how messed up that is, but it's just not right that THIS has to be the way i go about getting better. I feel terrible right now, I'll post again later, or whenever.
Maybe it'll even help a little.
Phelpsy16: ugh
peskudniak: heyy
Phelpsy16: hi
Phelpsy16: how r u
peskudniak: perdy good
peskudniak: nick kane said you quit mb?
Phelpsy16: ya, I suppose I did...
peskudniak: what happened?
peskudniak: you suppose you did?
Phelpsy16: my mom went into guidance and told them I was dropping it
peskudniak: why??
Phelpsy16: she's a stupid fucking insensitive cold hearted bitch
peskudniak: wow
peskudniak: so youre not in band anymore?
Phelpsy16: no
peskudniak: wtf
Phelpsy16: YEAH!!!
peskudniak: so you dont know why your mom did it?
Phelpsy16: well, yeah, I do, and it's prob. my fault.
Phelpsy16: it's along long long story... the gist: i had been throwing words around about it, but I wasn't about to let everyone down, and MB was my life, so it's not like I was seriously going to leave, I was just overwhelmed, and I was throwing words around... but my mom sees it like I've been cutting, etc, making my self sick, staying up all night, etc etc etc, which i have, and it's kinda cought up to me, and I've been feeling really sick and weak lately, but she doesnt get that I CAN HANDLE IT, and she thinks that she needs to pull my life out from underneath me to make me get better which i do want to do, but...
peskudniak: yeah
peskudniak: she doesnt realize that could make it worse does she
Phelpsy16: nope... she just doesnt understand that MB was like my family
Phelpsy16: and I told her that and she got all offended and told me that she though that she, my dad, and beckie were my family
peskudniak: tell her you want to see a psychiatrist or something
Phelpsy16: I do see one! HE and MY OTHER DOCTOR both told her that pulling me out of band was the best decision
Phelpsy16: I was like you fucking bastards
peskudniak: jeez
peskudniak: you need to fire them
Phelpsy16: it's not my decision... I just sit there for an hour while they ask me questions I refuse to answer, and then my mom pays for it
Phelpsy16: DYSFUNCTIONAL MUCH!!!!!
peskudniak: jeezus
Phelpsy16: I can't figure out if I'm more angry or more sad, but i think i'm more angry
Phelpsy16: yeah, I'm wicked wicked angry and hurt, and disbelieving, and then every tuesday or thrusday or game night, or saturday practice, or even everytime I pass the band room, I cry, and then i see band people in the halls (especially eben and nick, and perc. people, and I just don't even know how to face them!
peskudniak: you need some help honey
peskudniak: really do
peskudniak: whos your guidance counsilor
Phelpsy16: mrs. schram... she's not much help, bc she has to do what my mom says, and she honestly thinks "It'll be alright, it'll be alright"
Phelpsy16: I just want to scream
peskudniak: is ms. b back in school?
Phelpsy16: not yet
peskudniak: jeez..
Phelpsy16: my mom called ms b, and my mom told me that ms. b. said "you gotta do what you gotta do" or something like that, and that my health is more important than marching band
Phelpsy16: and on some leverl, I understand that
Phelpsy16: but it's not like MB is going to kill me
peskudniak: i think not having marching band is more hazardous to your health
peskudniak: mentally and physically
Phelpsy16: yeah, what sucks tho, is that my first reaction when I'mmad is to, you know, find something sharp, and now that she knows how utterly angry and hurt etc she and my dad are watching me like a hawk.
Phelpsy16: they ask me all the time "are you hurting yourself?" "what can we do to help"
Phelpsy16: and because I was saying you can let me rejoin marching band, they started being like "what, other than letting you rejoin marching band, can we do to help... we want you to be ok, just let us in to your life" or some bull shit like that
peskudniak: jeez
Phelpsy16: I UNDERSTAND THAT THEY WANT TO HELP, BUT THEY WENT ABOUT IT ALL FUCKING WRONG!!!
Phelpsy16: ahhhhhhh
Phelpsy16: so now, it's just like this unspoken thing because i've stopped answering them, i speak to them as little as possible, and they seem to just think that i'm a rebellious teen who will grow out of this and get over it
Phelpsy16: which I suppose i will eventually be forced to do, I mean, I can't spend my entire rest of my high school career crying and feeling sorry for myself, and avoiding people, but it's just not right, you know?
peskudniak: yeah
Phelpsy16: ugh, so, I'm exhausted, and I can't stop coughing, so I'm gonna go lay down.
peskudniak: alright
peskudniak: feel better
peskudniak: dont do anything to hurt yourself
Phelpsy16: I can't promise you that i won't but I'm trying my best.
peskudniak: 988-9120 if you need to talk
peskudniak: i got a new cell
peskudniak: day or night
Phelpsy16: yay
Phelpsy16: thanks
Phelpsy16: I truly appreciate it, and congrats on ur new phone.
Phelpsy16: and just so u know
Phelpsy16: I do feel better having talked with you
peskudniak: good :-)
Phelpsy16: <3 ttyl
peskudniak: toodles
Phelpsy16: bye
Having had that conversation, I KINDA do understand that I need to get better and stuff, because the first thing I do when i'm mad or overwhelmed SHOULD NOT be to reach for something sharp, i realize how messed up that is, but it's just not right that THIS has to be the way i go about getting better. I feel terrible right now, I'll post again later, or whenever.