can't see the forest for the trees....
sometimes i feel like my only friend is the city i live in. lonely as i am,
together we cry.
i am so tired of school already and i haven't even finished the first half of the semester. i really just want to move to idaho and ranch.
i just want a change of scenery. which is weird because i've actually started connecting with people and now i want to leave.
i am messed up.
know what else is messed up? cancer.
i am watching one of the best teachers that i have ever known slowly weakening because of the illness and the cure. he's such a great guy. why did it happen to him? why don't the mass murderers get cancer? why is it that they are healthy as hogs until the moment of lethal injection and other people who are capable of making such a huge positive change in the world are so sick and exhausted? it's not right.
this world isn't right.
i wonder if living a life of purpose makes a difference. i mean eventually we will all die, the matter that our bodies are composed of will recycle itself into some other being and there will be nothing left. eventually the human race will die out. what will our accomplishments mean when there is no one to remember what they were?
how is going to college, getting a degree and then using that degree to try to improve the quality of life for someone going to make any difference in the big picture? is that life more valuable than someone who sits on the couch, mooching off welfare and eating bonbons all day? in the end, what's the difference? so you saved a life. everyone dies eventually. you just postponed the inevitable for a few more years. so you preserved a culture or traditional way of life. it will be forgotten someday anyway. so you stopped the overgrazing and desertification of a major portion of the sahel and preserved grazing areas and farmlands for future generations of subsistance herders. will it really be stopped? or will the whole world become desertified because of the modern human's greed and societal unsustainability? will we erode away the soul of the earth like the soil of marginal deserts?
the question is, does it matter?
either everything matters, or nothing does.
either everything is connected, or nothing is.
either life has a purpose beyond happiness and self-indulgence, or it doesn't.
if you get the most smiley faces, does that really win the game?