(no subject)
I should be in bed. The alarm rings in 2.5 hours.
But I had to know. I started with the oldest. I called her, knowing full well that I would only get her voice mail again. As the phone rang, my voice cracked because I was afraid to ask the question I needed to ask. See, this mid-life crisis won't go away. I don't know what I'm good for; my son spends his days in his room. I remind him of his chores, but really, how important is that? My husband has a whole new office of women who adore and take care of him. Hell, L at work signed up for the classes I wanted to take to become Cisco Certified at the same community college. And he's way smarter than me. If the ax swings at work again, I know I'm next.
Friends have been dropping off one by one. Some I know why and others I don't. If you don't know me well, you won't know that my greatest fear is being alone. And judging from the writing on the wall, that terrifying ending is coming sooner rather than later. No matter what I do, it all slips through my fingers easier than water. If I squeeze, it just squirts on out.
So, I called her. I cannot remember the last time I called her. This spring, I think, I left voice mail on her cell. The time before that, I called to leave voice mail on her birthday. I was stuck in the memory of her and I coming down to Florida to celebrate it. She had such a terrific time and I felt wonderful that I could help with it.
So, I called her to ask what I had done wrong. I asked if I said or did something that would drive her away, because I know how monstrous I can be. For once, I wanted an answer that confirmed what I knew. I needed it so I could hasten plans and march myself to solitude just that much faster.
As always, she told me the truth. She told me the truth about herself, how she thinks of me but rarely acts. How my number and address were lost during the move. How she didn't know how to contact me save for my sister's phone number that she thought she still had. She loved me, but had moved on in life in new dramatic ways. It just wasn't in her nature to push and seek.
As always, I accepted without understanding. Her voice sounded amazing. I listened to her stories far too late, but not wanting to loose that connection. She sounded so much happier now and she's doing terrific things. Amazing things. Things I am so proud of her for. She has new friends and a new life.
And I have her e-mail address.
Again, the puzzles pieces don't fit. The momentary salve doesn't soothe the deep ache. Actions do not match words. Which do you believe?
But I had to know. I started with the oldest. I called her, knowing full well that I would only get her voice mail again. As the phone rang, my voice cracked because I was afraid to ask the question I needed to ask. See, this mid-life crisis won't go away. I don't know what I'm good for; my son spends his days in his room. I remind him of his chores, but really, how important is that? My husband has a whole new office of women who adore and take care of him. Hell, L at work signed up for the classes I wanted to take to become Cisco Certified at the same community college. And he's way smarter than me. If the ax swings at work again, I know I'm next.
Friends have been dropping off one by one. Some I know why and others I don't. If you don't know me well, you won't know that my greatest fear is being alone. And judging from the writing on the wall, that terrifying ending is coming sooner rather than later. No matter what I do, it all slips through my fingers easier than water. If I squeeze, it just squirts on out.
So, I called her. I cannot remember the last time I called her. This spring, I think, I left voice mail on her cell. The time before that, I called to leave voice mail on her birthday. I was stuck in the memory of her and I coming down to Florida to celebrate it. She had such a terrific time and I felt wonderful that I could help with it.
So, I called her to ask what I had done wrong. I asked if I said or did something that would drive her away, because I know how monstrous I can be. For once, I wanted an answer that confirmed what I knew. I needed it so I could hasten plans and march myself to solitude just that much faster.
As always, she told me the truth. She told me the truth about herself, how she thinks of me but rarely acts. How my number and address were lost during the move. How she didn't know how to contact me save for my sister's phone number that she thought she still had. She loved me, but had moved on in life in new dramatic ways. It just wasn't in her nature to push and seek.
As always, I accepted without understanding. Her voice sounded amazing. I listened to her stories far too late, but not wanting to loose that connection. She sounded so much happier now and she's doing terrific things. Amazing things. Things I am so proud of her for. She has new friends and a new life.
And I have her e-mail address.
Again, the puzzles pieces don't fit. The momentary salve doesn't soothe the deep ache. Actions do not match words. Which do you believe?