Seventeen weeks.
A lot can happen to somebody in seventeen weeks. You can find yourself flying high on life one minute and the next plummeting to the depths of depression and self pity for no real reason whatsoever. Who says we can't cycle through a plethora of emotions in a short time? Particularly us bipolars.
Damn it has been a rewarding seventeen weeks tho. I've done what I studied my ass off for years to do... and now I'm well on my way to fuck it up. Oh it might take me a little longer than normally it takes me to turn it into a pile of steaming crap, but I can't help but feel that it eventually will get to that point where I will look back on all the bad decisions, wrong turns, and just retarded, bullheaded opinions that I have and made and will have to bury my life along with the rest of my fucking grandiose dreams.
I swear to God, sometimes i really do wonder what the hell my parents were thinking when they didn't smother me at birth. I'm a shitty son to my mom, my dad I keep him at arms length and barely ever call him. I can't believe my whole family hasn't deserted me now. I wonder if I shouldn't just cut off my girl free and let her go on her way... save her years of pain at my side.
Christ, fucking self-pitying ramblings. It's been a long time since I've hated myself, but tonight I do... tonight I find very little that's worth liking about myself... I think this has been coming for a long time, building up slowly on a bed of idiotic choices.
I suppose this is a bad way to start the new year... it certainly does not bode well. I'm scred to fall back on a black, viscous pool of depression and not be able to pull myself out of it this time except by a noose on my neck. Lord knows I've been almost to that point in the past, stopped only by a sincere fear that if I do it I'll go to hell.
Selfish to the end, I guess.
Damn it has been a rewarding seventeen weeks tho. I've done what I studied my ass off for years to do... and now I'm well on my way to fuck it up. Oh it might take me a little longer than normally it takes me to turn it into a pile of steaming crap, but I can't help but feel that it eventually will get to that point where I will look back on all the bad decisions, wrong turns, and just retarded, bullheaded opinions that I have and made and will have to bury my life along with the rest of my fucking grandiose dreams.
I swear to God, sometimes i really do wonder what the hell my parents were thinking when they didn't smother me at birth. I'm a shitty son to my mom, my dad I keep him at arms length and barely ever call him. I can't believe my whole family hasn't deserted me now. I wonder if I shouldn't just cut off my girl free and let her go on her way... save her years of pain at my side.
Christ, fucking self-pitying ramblings. It's been a long time since I've hated myself, but tonight I do... tonight I find very little that's worth liking about myself... I think this has been coming for a long time, building up slowly on a bed of idiotic choices.
I suppose this is a bad way to start the new year... it certainly does not bode well. I'm scred to fall back on a black, viscous pool of depression and not be able to pull myself out of it this time except by a noose on my neck. Lord knows I've been almost to that point in the past, stopped only by a sincere fear that if I do it I'll go to hell.
Selfish to the end, I guess.