A Resolution of Failure
I believe I have decided to end my new years resolution.
I'll get back to you on the surety of this plan, but as of now it feels like it has done it's shaping of my psyche
and would no longer be useful, especially in it's current context.
The Resolution: To let this year be about me. No relationships; just fun. Whatever I want to do.
The Problem: I am not willing to go after what I want. Or if you like; I am a coward.
What I want, I wont take. What I'd like, I can't have. And even though I talk a big game, if given the chance,
I shrink to the occasion. It's as if I worked myself up in the theory of being much more rambunctious and
courages with men than I actually am. I thought I'd be that sexy and self confident woman I pictured in my
mind whenever things got too stressful in a relationship. The romance of being independent, carefree and
without ties to anyone appealed to my sense of adventure. But my self worth (something I didn't know I had
until yesterday) showed up unexpectedly to remind me of how hard it is to change your conceptions about
yourself.
So, when given the chance to be that girl, the one who was unattached and carefree? I panicked. I hesitated,
I got anxious and stressed and in the end I chickened out. Why? Because I didn't want to be seen as the
type of girl who was "easy" or "free". Now don't get me wrong; I've always prided myself in being a quick study
and a cheap date, but when it came down to it, regardless of what I wanted to do, and how much fun it
would have been; I couldn't surmount the idea that it would be worth nothing if they didn't enjoy the time we
spent together as well. Mutual enjoyment. But if it's a nonchalant thing, if there is no attraction there, then why?
Why go out of your comfort zone and do something wild if at the end of the night you look at your date and
say; "I have no actual feeling for you other than the fact that you are a warm body"?
I couldn't justify it in my head or heart. I couldn't come to terms with being just another "notch on the bedpost"
as it were. I need to be a name, I need to be a face. Even if it's just for fun and just for one night out on the
town, I need to be someone that they want to be with, because it's me. I wouldn't go out with a guy I wasn't
attracted to, connected to or enjoying. So why would I let a guy who didn't feel that way about me take me out?
There was a point there, where I think my self worth was so low, that I didn't much care what others thought
of me. What the world saw when they looked at me. So I was willing to just follow the coursers, take the reigns
and hand them over to whoever glanced my way. But when I tried to do that, I found myself lost in my own
doubt. One side of my pushing me forward; for the sake of adventure. The other side pushing me back, for
the sake of my memory.
I knew I would guilt myself, dwell on it like it was a mistake... I guess deep down, I knew going anywhere with
someone who had no emotional, physical, social or spiritual interest in me WAS a mistake.
But it took getting to that breaking point to see it.
And then my friend told me I am addicted to this guy, which in and of itself is troubling.
Which means; this resolution was a FAIL. I'm hoping I do better on my 40 days of writing
for Lent. (So far so good!).
And I'm also severing ties with this fellow, for a while. Not going over to where he lives, not
going to text or FB him, I am cutting him out of my life for a little while. To see what happens.
FYI: It's already very hard, and I only just stopped today.
I'll get back to you on the surety of this plan, but as of now it feels like it has done it's shaping of my psyche
and would no longer be useful, especially in it's current context.
The Resolution: To let this year be about me. No relationships; just fun. Whatever I want to do.
The Problem: I am not willing to go after what I want. Or if you like; I am a coward.
What I want, I wont take. What I'd like, I can't have. And even though I talk a big game, if given the chance,
I shrink to the occasion. It's as if I worked myself up in the theory of being much more rambunctious and
courages with men than I actually am. I thought I'd be that sexy and self confident woman I pictured in my
mind whenever things got too stressful in a relationship. The romance of being independent, carefree and
without ties to anyone appealed to my sense of adventure. But my self worth (something I didn't know I had
until yesterday) showed up unexpectedly to remind me of how hard it is to change your conceptions about
yourself.
So, when given the chance to be that girl, the one who was unattached and carefree? I panicked. I hesitated,
I got anxious and stressed and in the end I chickened out. Why? Because I didn't want to be seen as the
type of girl who was "easy" or "free". Now don't get me wrong; I've always prided myself in being a quick study
and a cheap date, but when it came down to it, regardless of what I wanted to do, and how much fun it
would have been; I couldn't surmount the idea that it would be worth nothing if they didn't enjoy the time we
spent together as well. Mutual enjoyment. But if it's a nonchalant thing, if there is no attraction there, then why?
Why go out of your comfort zone and do something wild if at the end of the night you look at your date and
say; "I have no actual feeling for you other than the fact that you are a warm body"?
I couldn't justify it in my head or heart. I couldn't come to terms with being just another "notch on the bedpost"
as it were. I need to be a name, I need to be a face. Even if it's just for fun and just for one night out on the
town, I need to be someone that they want to be with, because it's me. I wouldn't go out with a guy I wasn't
attracted to, connected to or enjoying. So why would I let a guy who didn't feel that way about me take me out?
There was a point there, where I think my self worth was so low, that I didn't much care what others thought
of me. What the world saw when they looked at me. So I was willing to just follow the coursers, take the reigns
and hand them over to whoever glanced my way. But when I tried to do that, I found myself lost in my own
doubt. One side of my pushing me forward; for the sake of adventure. The other side pushing me back, for
the sake of my memory.
I knew I would guilt myself, dwell on it like it was a mistake... I guess deep down, I knew going anywhere with
someone who had no emotional, physical, social or spiritual interest in me WAS a mistake.
But it took getting to that breaking point to see it.
And then my friend told me I am addicted to this guy, which in and of itself is troubling.
Which means; this resolution was a FAIL. I'm hoping I do better on my 40 days of writing
for Lent. (So far so good!).
And I'm also severing ties with this fellow, for a while. Not going over to where he lives, not
going to text or FB him, I am cutting him out of my life for a little while. To see what happens.
FYI: It's already very hard, and I only just stopped today.