he learns nothing
so, gary read my last post and got all upset about it. granted, i figure he would but i didnt write that post for him, i wrote it for my sanity. see, a friend of mine has been in therapy and one of her exercises is to write down all of her thoughts and emotions o attempt to bring balance back to her life. now, the crazy has been a coming on a little stronger than usual lately so i decided to give it a try, and you know what? it worked. i was still unhappy about everything i posted about, but i was at peace with it. well, i tell gary this and he starts reading through a bunch of other things ive written and he decides he is the root of all of my problems and it would be best if we didnt see or speak to eachother. i tell him thats not going to help (dude, its not even his stuff thats been upsetting me, id see it weather i spoke to him or not) but ofcorse, who cares what i think about whats best for me, and he deletes me from his myspace. i am hurt. REALLY FUCKING HURT. and hes got it private, so i cant even check up on him. so yeah, he read the post, but learned nothing from it. what the hell? i mean, its my emotions and if i thought it was best for me to not have contact with him or not be able to check up on him then I would have deleted HIM. what he needs to do is just go ahead and come out with the truth wich is that that was the best opion for HIM. im sure he thought that would make him seem selfish, but it makes him seem alot worse when he is making my damn decisions for me. i FUCKING HATE that. what the fuck ever, i knew that wouldnt change.
so, in thought yesterday i realized why i am being such a psycho sometimes and scareing off all of hese guys. i really think i have it figured out. so, for 2 years i formed my life around garys. i changed my schedual at work so we could spend more time together, changed clubs to work closer to home, worked my ass off to make sure we had money to do things we wanted, traded in going out with friends for sitting on the couch with him, keeping my weekends open (including not schedualing trips to see my family) to make sure we could do what he wanted to do or had planned. my life was about him and now that i am without him i dont know what to do with myself. so, unintentionally, i have been trying to build around these guys that i have scared off. stevo, bobby, andre, all scared off (although andre seems to like coming back for more just when i stop caring that ive scared him away.....) because im trying to spend so much time with them right off the bat. and its not that i HAVE to be around them all the time, its that i dont know what else to do with myself. so, here is my solution, i am going to start centering my life around me. i am going to work whenever i need to to make what i need (wich im already doing, but thats because i am a responsible stripper) i am going to start going out with the girls again (as long as i dont have to spend much money and its not on a big money night) when i go on a date we are going to do what i want to do (whenever i actually have something in mind, that is) and when i want to spend my after work time by myself, im going to do it. im done doing what everyone else wants to do or what everyone else wants me to do. the only way i can stop being a super psycho bitch is to make MY life about me.
so, in thought yesterday i realized why i am being such a psycho sometimes and scareing off all of hese guys. i really think i have it figured out. so, for 2 years i formed my life around garys. i changed my schedual at work so we could spend more time together, changed clubs to work closer to home, worked my ass off to make sure we had money to do things we wanted, traded in going out with friends for sitting on the couch with him, keeping my weekends open (including not schedualing trips to see my family) to make sure we could do what he wanted to do or had planned. my life was about him and now that i am without him i dont know what to do with myself. so, unintentionally, i have been trying to build around these guys that i have scared off. stevo, bobby, andre, all scared off (although andre seems to like coming back for more just when i stop caring that ive scared him away.....) because im trying to spend so much time with them right off the bat. and its not that i HAVE to be around them all the time, its that i dont know what else to do with myself. so, here is my solution, i am going to start centering my life around me. i am going to work whenever i need to to make what i need (wich im already doing, but thats because i am a responsible stripper) i am going to start going out with the girls again (as long as i dont have to spend much money and its not on a big money night) when i go on a date we are going to do what i want to do (whenever i actually have something in mind, that is) and when i want to spend my after work time by myself, im going to do it. im done doing what everyone else wants to do or what everyone else wants me to do. the only way i can stop being a super psycho bitch is to make MY life about me.