Claiming my mantra, my dogma, my religion... my decision...
I haven't written in my online journal for ages, really. My actual journal has been updated, more or less, but this one was abandoned when I felt no one had a need for it. No one read it before, no one reads it now. But I suppose it's there for my peace of mind and mine alone.
Today I spoke with a number of people, I watched television, I spent time with my family, I even finished re-reading The Hobbit. Hell, I even forgot it was Wednesday. I've lost time because I haven't had to keep track... a nice difference from home. I mean, I miss my fuzzy potato, my snakes, and my mice. I miss my books and my big bed, and the great conversations with my grandmother. But I don't miss the stress, the worry, the bad sleep--though, I'm not getting much better sleep on a bed not my own. I don't miss worrying about who I'll run into and what I'll have to do to get away from them. And I certainly don't miss the heat, though I've woken up as cold as a icicle some days here. I do regret not going to Aurafice tonight. I had wanted to see what I hope to call my new-found friends. I would've loved to see Burgundy's smiling face and get one of Jeff's wonderful hugs. To talk about aimless subjects to someone I don't even really know who's sitting nearby, but not worry about it because it was someone I could probably trust with my life anyway. I don't have that back home... Shit, now I'm going to cry, this is lovely... Mayhap I'm just as pathetic as I sometimes wonder I am. Or maybe I'm just so incredibly lonely these days...
I spoke with Kat yesterday, it was really nice. It seems like so much time is passing by so quickly, like she only barely left. But it's been a month and a half and I've missed her horribly. I know it's better for me to be on my own, to not have to support someone else as well as myself, but I'm so god damned lonely that I don't know what to do with myself. I suppose that's why I've immersed myself back into books again. And into writing. Maybe I'll even finish one of my books this time.
My future is frightening to me, as well. Though, perhaps, not as difficult as I thought. One of my biggest worries was about being alone... But I can't get more alone than I am now, so I should be fine when I finally go to Burbank for school. I still have friends, this is a fact, but they won't be any further away whether or not I move. Now my main fear is being able to pull off school and living, as well as a job after all is said and done. I'm deathly afraid I'll fail in my intentions and choice of career and end up back home because I couldn't cut it on my own.
Chris isn't helping either. I love the man, really I do, but we're only friends now. But he and I are no longer together, no longer in a relationship. After all the crap we went through we're still friends, it's so amazing that we're like we were before. But he still loves me... and I crave affection... But I don't want to try it again. I won't try it again. I'm not going to start ranting that I'll die an old maid like I did once upon a time, but I don't know when I'll find someone else... I've always had bad luck with finding someone I was interested in who bothered to even look in my direction. There's a law, I think, of the universe that decrees that it's difficult for intelligent women to find good men. I suppose it doesn't help that I'm picky... but I'm not so picky that my "qualifications" have to be met. Look at Chris, look at my other two exes, I shudder to think at times. I don't regret anything I've done thus far in my life... I don't regret relationships, whether they ended badly or not. They're all learning experiences in the end, and I've learned from them. I've learned what I'm made of, I've learned what I won't tolerate, and most of all I've learned that I still want love no matter how much pain, hurt, bitterness, and loneliness I go through. I also know that I'm just fine on my own, as well, but I still want affection and friendship. And most triumphant thus far of my lessons, is that my very worst fear is quite unlikely--though I don't always remember that...
And the song playing is not helping me one bit, I'm going to start crying again if I don't do something else.
Loves,
~Rio~
Today I spoke with a number of people, I watched television, I spent time with my family, I even finished re-reading The Hobbit. Hell, I even forgot it was Wednesday. I've lost time because I haven't had to keep track... a nice difference from home. I mean, I miss my fuzzy potato, my snakes, and my mice. I miss my books and my big bed, and the great conversations with my grandmother. But I don't miss the stress, the worry, the bad sleep--though, I'm not getting much better sleep on a bed not my own. I don't miss worrying about who I'll run into and what I'll have to do to get away from them. And I certainly don't miss the heat, though I've woken up as cold as a icicle some days here. I do regret not going to Aurafice tonight. I had wanted to see what I hope to call my new-found friends. I would've loved to see Burgundy's smiling face and get one of Jeff's wonderful hugs. To talk about aimless subjects to someone I don't even really know who's sitting nearby, but not worry about it because it was someone I could probably trust with my life anyway. I don't have that back home... Shit, now I'm going to cry, this is lovely... Mayhap I'm just as pathetic as I sometimes wonder I am. Or maybe I'm just so incredibly lonely these days...
I spoke with Kat yesterday, it was really nice. It seems like so much time is passing by so quickly, like she only barely left. But it's been a month and a half and I've missed her horribly. I know it's better for me to be on my own, to not have to support someone else as well as myself, but I'm so god damned lonely that I don't know what to do with myself. I suppose that's why I've immersed myself back into books again. And into writing. Maybe I'll even finish one of my books this time.
My future is frightening to me, as well. Though, perhaps, not as difficult as I thought. One of my biggest worries was about being alone... But I can't get more alone than I am now, so I should be fine when I finally go to Burbank for school. I still have friends, this is a fact, but they won't be any further away whether or not I move. Now my main fear is being able to pull off school and living, as well as a job after all is said and done. I'm deathly afraid I'll fail in my intentions and choice of career and end up back home because I couldn't cut it on my own.
Chris isn't helping either. I love the man, really I do, but we're only friends now. But he and I are no longer together, no longer in a relationship. After all the crap we went through we're still friends, it's so amazing that we're like we were before. But he still loves me... and I crave affection... But I don't want to try it again. I won't try it again. I'm not going to start ranting that I'll die an old maid like I did once upon a time, but I don't know when I'll find someone else... I've always had bad luck with finding someone I was interested in who bothered to even look in my direction. There's a law, I think, of the universe that decrees that it's difficult for intelligent women to find good men. I suppose it doesn't help that I'm picky... but I'm not so picky that my "qualifications" have to be met. Look at Chris, look at my other two exes, I shudder to think at times. I don't regret anything I've done thus far in my life... I don't regret relationships, whether they ended badly or not. They're all learning experiences in the end, and I've learned from them. I've learned what I'm made of, I've learned what I won't tolerate, and most of all I've learned that I still want love no matter how much pain, hurt, bitterness, and loneliness I go through. I also know that I'm just fine on my own, as well, but I still want affection and friendship. And most triumphant thus far of my lessons, is that my very worst fear is quite unlikely--though I don't always remember that...
And the song playing is not helping me one bit, I'm going to start crying again if I don't do something else.
Loves,
~Rio~