I think I'm Dumb...
I lost it today and called him. I'm just not used to him not being around. He was my best friend, too. I just lost it and in a moment of extreme weakness asked him "If after my appointment (I set up an emergency appt. with my counselor) I still feel the way I feel now will you come and spend the night with me?" He didn't think it was a good idea, but I talked him into it. I'm so fucking alone and so fucking weak. And so fucking in love with him. And he sickens me. And the fact that I am still in love with him sickens me. And the fact that I am so fucking weak that I want him to hold me and tell me that everything that HE did to me will be OK. What kind of weak sadistic bitch have I become. And why am I so afraid that he's the only person who will ever love me? When he very obviously didn't feel the same way? I really really really really hate myself, I think. Or maybe I just want to take a break from all of this and pretend that nothing happened. If just for one night. To have someone hold me and love me and let me convince myself its true just once more. God I'm so pathetically fucking weak. I wish someone would just put me out of my misery. Every minute I am alone I feel panicky. Like I'm going to have to be alone forever. Like this is just my lot in life to go through a series of events where I think I've got it all figured out until someone just yanks the rug out from under me and stands over me saying "You didn't think it would be that easy, did you? That you could be happy and loved? Not this time, sister." What happened to the strong angry me from Saturday? Well, gotta go get my pathetic head shrunk. Someone fix me, please.