(no subject)
Update on recent developments. Not sure how things have turned out the way they have. Was totally not expecting Nicholas to ask me out a month ago and I'm still trying to figure that one out. I'm finding that we have a lot in common which is weird cause I've known him for so long and never thought of him as anything other than the weird guy that walked too much. We like most of the same movies and music which are big things in my little world.
We haven't had a fight or anything but I did get pretty pissed off at him the other day when he started in with his racist bullshit. He obviously doesn't realize how not racist I am. I mean...I can live with it cause I have been for all my life but that doesn't mean I like it. He just kept going after I told him to change the subject and I got a little pissed. Oh then last weekend I did get angry because he didn't believe me when I was trying to give him directs to somewhere. I know those roads pretty good since they are the only damn roads in that city I travel on. I bloody well know what roads cross the main road I always use but he had to be right. That was an interesting arguement but we got through it by me finally deciding it wasn't worth arguing about and stopped talking. Later he was like..."what's up? What's wrong?" I just told him I was tired because it wasn't worth it and I would be damned if I was going to keep arguing when I knew I was right. Other than those two times we've pretty much agreed on most things and not really gotten mad at each other.
*Le sigh* I'm so confuzzled these days. With money and work and life in general. Starting to wonder how I'm going to survive the next month or so without having a kid. That's all I want right now. All my debt and that shit doesn't matter when I stop and think that I could be a mom. I know everybody keeps telling me to wait but they don't realize how badly I want a child. I don't care if it's boy or girl as long as it's mine. I've stopped and thought about it...a lot lately. I know I can't support a child...that's the only reason I don't already have a kid. The funny thing is Nicholas talks about kids a lot too. We've talked about what we would do should I get pregnant and he's all for it. He wants a son more than anything but that's just a guy thing. I've also had people tell me not to trust him since we've been together for so short a time but I do trust him. I think he would do the right thing and we would manage together. I've always said it takes two to raise a kids anyways.
Some times I want a baby so bad it makes me cry. The only reason I'm still here today is because I know I'll be a momma. The one thing that kept me from killing myself when I was going through my depression was the thought that there would be this little person who would call me momma and know that I would always love them no matter what. I know there are a lot things that come with a baby but I'm ready for it all. I want my baby. The one thing I know I won't give up on, the one thing that I will without a doubt do a good job with. I long to hear the word momma on the lips of a child that is actually mine, not a cousin or some kid I'm babysitting but my child.
Everybody who knows me knows that I've always wanted kids but I don't think even my parents realize how badly I want it now. All my friends and family members keep telling me I'll make a great mother and now I want to prove it. I want to show everybody that I'm not such a mess up, that I can accomplish something in my life.
It's strange to think that now it's a possiblity. With my first real boyfriend no less. Knowing that next week could be the week only makes matters worse but I still want my baby. Maybe next weekend...maybe last weekend or the weekend after next. I wish I knew when it was finally going to happen so that I could be a little more prepared. The day I learn that I'm pregnant will be the happiest day in my life no doubt about it well I suppose actually having the kid would rank right up there too.
One other thing has been bothering me now. People keep asking me what I'm doing with my life, what me plans are. I mentioned to a couple people that I was thinking about classes at MATC for Visual Communications. Now that makes my family want to know what I'm doing. They just keep asking me all the time and I'm about ready to scream at them. Honestly I don't know what I'm doing with my life...I don't really have a plan. The one thing I know for certain in my baby...I want my baby and that would make me content. The other day my aunt started in on me and I told her flat out that my plan was to have babies and keep working. She laughed and thought I was kidding. If I have a baby before I get around to taking some classes that's exactly what I'm going to do. Having my kids and a steady job is plenty for me. The only other thing I would need would be a nice husband to go with those kids and I hope that happens too. Here it is... my plan. To have babies and work if I don't enroll in classes first which I probably won't do.
My dreams don't revolve around success and lots of money. As long as I have my kids, my family and friends, then I'm happy and that's all I want out of life. Sure I had other dreams. I wanted to be a top journalist for a big time paper or magazine and I wanted to write a best seller novel about some stupid romance action crap and I wanted to see the world and I wanted to be a mother. Becoming a mother may seem to be the simplest and easy to come by thing out of all that but that's what I truely want...that's the real me that I don't think many people see. I'm not as rough and tough as I've put out to be. Pink is not a color I will dress my daughter in true enough but that's never going to change.
Yeah...I just realized how much I've been rambling on and on about this. Guess I should probably shut up now and figure out what the hell I'm doing.
We haven't had a fight or anything but I did get pretty pissed off at him the other day when he started in with his racist bullshit. He obviously doesn't realize how not racist I am. I mean...I can live with it cause I have been for all my life but that doesn't mean I like it. He just kept going after I told him to change the subject and I got a little pissed. Oh then last weekend I did get angry because he didn't believe me when I was trying to give him directs to somewhere. I know those roads pretty good since they are the only damn roads in that city I travel on. I bloody well know what roads cross the main road I always use but he had to be right. That was an interesting arguement but we got through it by me finally deciding it wasn't worth arguing about and stopped talking. Later he was like..."what's up? What's wrong?" I just told him I was tired because it wasn't worth it and I would be damned if I was going to keep arguing when I knew I was right. Other than those two times we've pretty much agreed on most things and not really gotten mad at each other.
*Le sigh* I'm so confuzzled these days. With money and work and life in general. Starting to wonder how I'm going to survive the next month or so without having a kid. That's all I want right now. All my debt and that shit doesn't matter when I stop and think that I could be a mom. I know everybody keeps telling me to wait but they don't realize how badly I want a child. I don't care if it's boy or girl as long as it's mine. I've stopped and thought about it...a lot lately. I know I can't support a child...that's the only reason I don't already have a kid. The funny thing is Nicholas talks about kids a lot too. We've talked about what we would do should I get pregnant and he's all for it. He wants a son more than anything but that's just a guy thing. I've also had people tell me not to trust him since we've been together for so short a time but I do trust him. I think he would do the right thing and we would manage together. I've always said it takes two to raise a kids anyways.
Some times I want a baby so bad it makes me cry. The only reason I'm still here today is because I know I'll be a momma. The one thing that kept me from killing myself when I was going through my depression was the thought that there would be this little person who would call me momma and know that I would always love them no matter what. I know there are a lot things that come with a baby but I'm ready for it all. I want my baby. The one thing I know I won't give up on, the one thing that I will without a doubt do a good job with. I long to hear the word momma on the lips of a child that is actually mine, not a cousin or some kid I'm babysitting but my child.
Everybody who knows me knows that I've always wanted kids but I don't think even my parents realize how badly I want it now. All my friends and family members keep telling me I'll make a great mother and now I want to prove it. I want to show everybody that I'm not such a mess up, that I can accomplish something in my life.
It's strange to think that now it's a possiblity. With my first real boyfriend no less. Knowing that next week could be the week only makes matters worse but I still want my baby. Maybe next weekend...maybe last weekend or the weekend after next. I wish I knew when it was finally going to happen so that I could be a little more prepared. The day I learn that I'm pregnant will be the happiest day in my life no doubt about it well I suppose actually having the kid would rank right up there too.
One other thing has been bothering me now. People keep asking me what I'm doing with my life, what me plans are. I mentioned to a couple people that I was thinking about classes at MATC for Visual Communications. Now that makes my family want to know what I'm doing. They just keep asking me all the time and I'm about ready to scream at them. Honestly I don't know what I'm doing with my life...I don't really have a plan. The one thing I know for certain in my baby...I want my baby and that would make me content. The other day my aunt started in on me and I told her flat out that my plan was to have babies and keep working. She laughed and thought I was kidding. If I have a baby before I get around to taking some classes that's exactly what I'm going to do. Having my kids and a steady job is plenty for me. The only other thing I would need would be a nice husband to go with those kids and I hope that happens too. Here it is... my plan. To have babies and work if I don't enroll in classes first which I probably won't do.
My dreams don't revolve around success and lots of money. As long as I have my kids, my family and friends, then I'm happy and that's all I want out of life. Sure I had other dreams. I wanted to be a top journalist for a big time paper or magazine and I wanted to write a best seller novel about some stupid romance action crap and I wanted to see the world and I wanted to be a mother. Becoming a mother may seem to be the simplest and easy to come by thing out of all that but that's what I truely want...that's the real me that I don't think many people see. I'm not as rough and tough as I've put out to be. Pink is not a color I will dress my daughter in true enough but that's never going to change.
Yeah...I just realized how much I've been rambling on and on about this. Guess I should probably shut up now and figure out what the hell I'm doing.