exactly how i feel...
i feel like i have no one to talk to... and it's not even that. i can't open up to anyone. except daniel of course. but sometimes i wish there were someone here. and jill is easy to talk to. but... oh i guess there's no explaining my loneliness. no curing it, it seems.
every day i think about how much i wish my dad would come home. how much i wish he wouldn't have missed my senior year. i think how i'll never be living in the same house as him again now that i'm in college. i think about how alone my mom must feel as well. with me off at college and my dad in kuwait. its not his fault. i wouldn't be able to go to college if it weren't for all his hard work. i just wish it were different. i wish i had a family like daniel's. they're so wonderful. they can see each other whenever they want. sometimes... i also wish i had grandparents. daniel's granny is the typical cute little granny who loves her kids so much. she turned 85 i believe. she's so sweet. my grandmother loves to gamble and never really wants quality time with anyone. my grandfather (who didn't even really like anyone) died in december 2002. and i never knew my dad's parents. The only other family i'm close to besides my mom and dad is my aunt brigette. she's great. but her and mom always fight when it comes to me. i can't ever make them happy. one decision ticks off my mom, and the other my aunt. i just want a normal family. i want the family that you share holiday's with. i want familiy traditions. i want to be able to go to someone in my family... and tell them how i feel. and not get advice... i just want "it'll be okay. i love you"
i guess i just can't get close to anyone for fear of being screwed over. it's easier to just stay alone most of the time. until times like this when you watch movies like "love actually" and realize that you long for something like that. but that you'll never be able to obtain it. love is so beautiful. and God knows i'm so thankful to have someone to love me like daniel loves me. i've never had someone love my faults just as much as my attributes.
i've always been expected to be perfect. and great at everything. just like... i'm expected to do so well in college and become this extravagent rich person. when does it become about what i want? never. apparently. according to my family i don't really know what i want. well. what i want is to be home. to be with my family. to be with my puppy honey. to be with my baby cousin josh. to be with daniel. but instead. i'm here. toiling away for what? all those wasted days away from the ones i love? that's all i see myself getting out of being here. don't get me wrong. i love it here. i really do. but i already feel like i've missed out on so much already. i want my family.
but. there's no right decision for me. if i make myself happy. i'll be a huge disappointment to my family. there's no where to turn. it's the most horrible feeling. and i've been dying to say this. for so long. i almost stayed home. i almost went to OW. i really did. but everyone freaked out on me when i told them. so i guess they know better right?
if anyone has any advice. please feel free to let me know.
every day i think about how much i wish my dad would come home. how much i wish he wouldn't have missed my senior year. i think how i'll never be living in the same house as him again now that i'm in college. i think about how alone my mom must feel as well. with me off at college and my dad in kuwait. its not his fault. i wouldn't be able to go to college if it weren't for all his hard work. i just wish it were different. i wish i had a family like daniel's. they're so wonderful. they can see each other whenever they want. sometimes... i also wish i had grandparents. daniel's granny is the typical cute little granny who loves her kids so much. she turned 85 i believe. she's so sweet. my grandmother loves to gamble and never really wants quality time with anyone. my grandfather (who didn't even really like anyone) died in december 2002. and i never knew my dad's parents. The only other family i'm close to besides my mom and dad is my aunt brigette. she's great. but her and mom always fight when it comes to me. i can't ever make them happy. one decision ticks off my mom, and the other my aunt. i just want a normal family. i want the family that you share holiday's with. i want familiy traditions. i want to be able to go to someone in my family... and tell them how i feel. and not get advice... i just want "it'll be okay. i love you"
i guess i just can't get close to anyone for fear of being screwed over. it's easier to just stay alone most of the time. until times like this when you watch movies like "love actually" and realize that you long for something like that. but that you'll never be able to obtain it. love is so beautiful. and God knows i'm so thankful to have someone to love me like daniel loves me. i've never had someone love my faults just as much as my attributes.
i've always been expected to be perfect. and great at everything. just like... i'm expected to do so well in college and become this extravagent rich person. when does it become about what i want? never. apparently. according to my family i don't really know what i want. well. what i want is to be home. to be with my family. to be with my puppy honey. to be with my baby cousin josh. to be with daniel. but instead. i'm here. toiling away for what? all those wasted days away from the ones i love? that's all i see myself getting out of being here. don't get me wrong. i love it here. i really do. but i already feel like i've missed out on so much already. i want my family.
but. there's no right decision for me. if i make myself happy. i'll be a huge disappointment to my family. there's no where to turn. it's the most horrible feeling. and i've been dying to say this. for so long. i almost stayed home. i almost went to OW. i really did. but everyone freaked out on me when i told them. so i guess they know better right?
if anyone has any advice. please feel free to let me know.