(no subject)
have you ever been in one of those moods, that no matter how much fun you are having, you still feel like crap? it doesnt matter how hard your friends rock, or how awesome of a day it is, something still doesnt feel right? yeah. that feeling blows. no matter how hard you try to ignore it, no matter how many things you occupy yourself with, all you want to do is go to sleep and never fucking wake up.
every day its a struggle to drag your fat ass out of bed, and you dread the idea of going to school and being visually assaulted by your peers. having to sit through classes, that most likely will not help you in your daily adult life [yes. i need to know about how celebrities in the 1920s compare to those in the 1960s in order to get by. and i definatly need to know radical exponents] you sit through class, staring at a wall, dreaming that you could be anywhere but in that very place. then the bell rings, and you are shuffled through the hallway like cattle to your next class, where you proceed to again sit on your ass and listen to some godforsaken person lecture about stuff you dont give a shit about. because school just is that good.
then you can go outside, and see all your friends, and while you do feel happy, its like it isnt a complete happy. some part of you still feels like it is dead, no matter what the rest of you is thinking or feeling. you can be with your boyfriend/girlfriend and your best friends on earth, and still something is just sucking up all the happiness inside one part of you. you wander around, doing your favorite things, talking to your favorite people, and still one little part of you is just screaming that everything sucks, what you know is all a lie, and that you would be better off dead. isnt it pleasant?
and my favorite, the point where you think you are amazing at doing one thing, and then someone comes along and completely wipes the floor with you. everyone says "well i wish i could play the piano as good as so-and-so [dan/george]" or "i wish i could draw really well! [liz/alex/AP/andrew] etc. no matter what you do, someone will ALWAYS BE BETTER THAN YOU! well maybe i want to be the person that everyone is jealous of for once. if no matter what you do, someone is better than you, then why bother trying at all? like the popular saying "if pratice makes perfect, but no one is perfect, then WHY PRATICE??" seriously. why bother trying to do anything, if someone will always out-do you? why do we even try anymore?!
and after this horribly pointless rant, with no proper beginning or end, shall end like this. im tired of doing everything around my house. im tired of worrying/caring for my mother. im tired of being like this. im tired of existance. i dont even know who i am anymore. who is the real me? what does she do? how does she act? who am i pretending to be around other people, and where has the real me gone? am i pretending now? is all of this simply in the mind of one of the "characters" that i portray? how could i even tell the difference?
every day its a struggle to drag your fat ass out of bed, and you dread the idea of going to school and being visually assaulted by your peers. having to sit through classes, that most likely will not help you in your daily adult life [yes. i need to know about how celebrities in the 1920s compare to those in the 1960s in order to get by. and i definatly need to know radical exponents] you sit through class, staring at a wall, dreaming that you could be anywhere but in that very place. then the bell rings, and you are shuffled through the hallway like cattle to your next class, where you proceed to again sit on your ass and listen to some godforsaken person lecture about stuff you dont give a shit about. because school just is that good.
then you can go outside, and see all your friends, and while you do feel happy, its like it isnt a complete happy. some part of you still feels like it is dead, no matter what the rest of you is thinking or feeling. you can be with your boyfriend/girlfriend and your best friends on earth, and still something is just sucking up all the happiness inside one part of you. you wander around, doing your favorite things, talking to your favorite people, and still one little part of you is just screaming that everything sucks, what you know is all a lie, and that you would be better off dead. isnt it pleasant?
and my favorite, the point where you think you are amazing at doing one thing, and then someone comes along and completely wipes the floor with you. everyone says "well i wish i could play the piano as good as so-and-so [dan/george]" or "i wish i could draw really well! [liz/alex/AP/andrew] etc. no matter what you do, someone will ALWAYS BE BETTER THAN YOU! well maybe i want to be the person that everyone is jealous of for once. if no matter what you do, someone is better than you, then why bother trying at all? like the popular saying "if pratice makes perfect, but no one is perfect, then WHY PRATICE??" seriously. why bother trying to do anything, if someone will always out-do you? why do we even try anymore?!
and after this horribly pointless rant, with no proper beginning or end, shall end like this. im tired of doing everything around my house. im tired of worrying/caring for my mother. im tired of being like this. im tired of existance. i dont even know who i am anymore. who is the real me? what does she do? how does she act? who am i pretending to be around other people, and where has the real me gone? am i pretending now? is all of this simply in the mind of one of the "characters" that i portray? how could i even tell the difference?