life is like a river
i have been so involved with life and living that i haven't written anything for a while now... so many beautiful things go on every day.
my mama, my sister (who is pregnant 3 weeks behind me!), and i are planning the baby shower.. it's going to be in september. my mama is a beautiful artist and she's going to design the invitations with pregnant winter fairies, because both of our babies will be born in the winter time. we also picked out some games to play at the shower that aren't too cheesy, but still silly and fun.. we're very excited! i'm mostly excited about having all my loved ones and friends together.. forget it being about the gifts, although i appreciate those too!
almost every day sam and i have been swimming.. usually in the beautiful river. there are a couple places we like to go.. we are so lucky to have so many choices. we live among the trees and mountains and rivers and flowers, so there is so much to take part in with mother earth. there is one place we like to go and it's always filled with naked people.. maybe some people are grossed out by nakedness, but i think it's beautiful because it's natural. my mama and sister are squeamish about it and i'm sure they think i'm strange for feeling completely neutral about it. sometimes i feel like the hippy child that doesn't fit in. i told them about my homeless friend, jim, who was staying in town last summer. just because i mentioned he was homeless, i could tell they thought i was crazy for befriending him.. that i had bad jugdement or something. i have very careful judgement... i know that not everyone should be trusted, and i keep that in mind. i know how to protect myself and observe someone's character. jim was very sweet and he was a unique person.. he was very much trying to lift himself up to a better place. he made his own jewelry (as do i) so we would talk about that and all the different stones and jewels.. he was very interested in what sam and i had to say about spirituality and was a completely open, kind person. then one day he moved on to another place and i haven't seen him since. but he was a good friend, and i do not trust people so easily..
my belly has been growing bigger and bigger.. onyx moves often every day, and i love to feel him kick and roll around. it's amazing and so magical.. i can't wait to meet him in person. what a beautiful christmas present he will be! the very best <3 my sister is going to find out the sex of her baby in the early days of august, so hopefully her baby won't be shy about it. it's so beautiful to go through this experience again.. and it's even more beautiful to go through it with my best friend, my sister. she is glowing.. so much has changed about her since she got pregnant and got layed off from her job. she is so... bright and open and positive. i love her completely for who she is, but she seems so much happier and lighter now. and she's a gorgeous pregnant woman. i think she's having a girl and so does sam, but she has a feeling it's a boy.. so we'll see. a healthy baby is all that truly matters.. it will just be exciting to see what gender the baby has chosen to be in this life.
my sister and i went to see no doubt on friday! we went to their concert and it was amazing and inspiring and so much fun! i'm so glad sam surprised me with tickets.. that was so sweet of him. gwen was gorgeous and lovely and talented and beautiful, and all of the band members were amazing with their instruments. and all the light colors and slideshows... all the people singing around us. it was super amazing and i feel so thankful my sister and i were able to take part in it! i love how no doubt is like no other band.. they are so original, with their own unique sound, and their songs mean something... they are my favorite for sure :)
i finished a book called 'you can heal your life' by louise hay not too long ago. it was truly eye-opening and helped me to become aware about so much.. i truly felt like i was healing just reading it and realizing new things about myself and life and others. i highly reccomend it for anyone who wants to see more about themselves and their lives.. anyone who wants to change and create something better for themselves. it was beautifully written, and i feel like i want to read it again just to let it all sink in completely.. i learned so much about physical ailments and illnesses and diseases.. where they come from and how they are created from the inside out. it was so inspiring and showed life in a different light.. a light where we are powerful in our own lives, where we can heal anything negative and hurtful in ourselves, and change our circumstances no matter who difficult they might be. and on the cover (which drew me to the book in the first place) was a big rainbow colored heart... so pretty and perfect for what the book is about.
most nights, i dream about sam.. that he is leaving me or abandoning me, or that his feelings for me have suddenly and drastically changed. and it's always because i've done something wrong.. because of the badness i have displayed, he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. they are hurtful and stressful dreams.. i know inside me something needs to get worked out, something that is so deep in my subconscious that i'm not very aware of it. one time, i dreamed this same type of dream, and it was very hurtful feeling but somehow different... i was able to accept that he didn't want to be with me anymore and i realized i needed to move on, and i faced that. it felt healing... but all of my dreams about sam since then have been with the same outcome.. me crying and feeling desperate, and trying every way possible to pull him back into my life, while feeling so bad inside. and this reminds me of something that i have always remembered... when i was a child i used to believe i had a black heart. that i was somehow bad inside.. i really have no idea where that belief came from, but i think somehow i have always believed it. i feel like i have healed myself tremendously, but i know there is still more to do... because sometimes... i still feel bad inside, like if someone really knew how bad and ugly i can be on the inside, that they might not want to love me or befriend me. it is rare that i feel that way, but it is somewhere deep down, lying quietly.. but for the most part, i feel beautiful and lovely and wonderful, and am very happy and loving with myself.
i am so thankful for my loved ones.. my mama who always supports me and encourages me, who loves me completely for who i am.. my papa, mike, and my lover sam.. who loves to spend every day with me and sees something beautiful about me that he never tires of.. my sister who is fun and silly and open.. my lovely friends who are so sweet and inspiring.... my pets who are always loving and innocent.. the prosperity in my life, the abundance, the pure food and water, the shelter, our garden... EVERYTHING! <3 <3 <3