So I've been thinking...
Since I heard about Uncle Cecil, I haven't cried about it... I almost did once, but the day I burst into tears while we have a friend over is the day hamsters grow wings out of their asses and fly away. No, I've been calm, collected and almost cold about it, like it doesn't even really effect me beyond a passing sadness. That's not the case at all. I can't express how much it hurts to lose that link so recently re-established that actually gave me a sense of family and belonging. So then, why haven't I dissolved into a burbling mass of tears, like most healthy, reasonable adults?
The long and short of it is, I can't. I have to be cool and collected on the off-chance that Dad might call and need a shoulder to cry on, and even if he DOESN'T call, it's damn hard to text with tears in your eyes. He lost his last living brother, he has more right to be torn up, and is more in need of comfort. Beyond that, someone is always around. I prefer to do my mourning in private, partially because I've been raised to believe tears are the sign of weakness that draws the circling sharks in for the kill (such a healthy family life I've had), and partially because I don't want to upset anyone. If I burst into tears around Jay's family, it's just going to make for a REALLY AWKWARD moment where everyone feels bad. Along that same vein, even when everyone else has gone to bed, Jay's still up, and he's upset and uptight enough about everything as it is, he doesn't need my shit on his pile. Yes, I KNOW that boyfriends are there for emotional support, yadda yadda, but I'd rather not stress him out even more. In theory I could also go upstairs, but I'd rather avoid the twenty-seven inquiries as to my well being, and frankly, I'm NOT a pretty crier. I get the red eyes, the swollen, rare nose, the flushed face, the whole nine yards, so it's DAMN hard to conceal the fact that it's happened. Also in theory I could cry while Jay's asleep, and I'm having one of my long bouts of insomnia... expect that on top of being an ugly crier, I'm also a loud one, if only because about half way through, I'm usually verging on an asthma attack, and can't breathe anymore. Hey look, there's another reason all by itself not to break down. In any event, I'd rather avoid not only upsetting him, but interrupting his sleep AND keying him up too much to get back to sleep.
So yeah, there is is. I REALLY want to go to the funeral, because I want to be there for my dad, aunt and cousins, but I'm such a pitiful fucking SCRUB that I can't keep a job, so I have neither the money, nor the viable vehicle to go. The sad part is that even if I DID have both, I have a feeling the funeral is going to coincide with Mr. Jim's trip down to his parents, and as previously stated, I can't hare off and leave everyone stranded at the house, assuming I don't take Jay with me. So... yeah. I am not only a sad person, but a completely useless one as well, that can't even be there for her family in their time of need, because she fails so hard at life. Go me.
The long and short of it is, I can't. I have to be cool and collected on the off-chance that Dad might call and need a shoulder to cry on, and even if he DOESN'T call, it's damn hard to text with tears in your eyes. He lost his last living brother, he has more right to be torn up, and is more in need of comfort. Beyond that, someone is always around. I prefer to do my mourning in private, partially because I've been raised to believe tears are the sign of weakness that draws the circling sharks in for the kill (such a healthy family life I've had), and partially because I don't want to upset anyone. If I burst into tears around Jay's family, it's just going to make for a REALLY AWKWARD moment where everyone feels bad. Along that same vein, even when everyone else has gone to bed, Jay's still up, and he's upset and uptight enough about everything as it is, he doesn't need my shit on his pile. Yes, I KNOW that boyfriends are there for emotional support, yadda yadda, but I'd rather not stress him out even more. In theory I could also go upstairs, but I'd rather avoid the twenty-seven inquiries as to my well being, and frankly, I'm NOT a pretty crier. I get the red eyes, the swollen, rare nose, the flushed face, the whole nine yards, so it's DAMN hard to conceal the fact that it's happened. Also in theory I could cry while Jay's asleep, and I'm having one of my long bouts of insomnia... expect that on top of being an ugly crier, I'm also a loud one, if only because about half way through, I'm usually verging on an asthma attack, and can't breathe anymore. Hey look, there's another reason all by itself not to break down. In any event, I'd rather avoid not only upsetting him, but interrupting his sleep AND keying him up too much to get back to sleep.
So yeah, there is is. I REALLY want to go to the funeral, because I want to be there for my dad, aunt and cousins, but I'm such a pitiful fucking SCRUB that I can't keep a job, so I have neither the money, nor the viable vehicle to go. The sad part is that even if I DID have both, I have a feeling the funeral is going to coincide with Mr. Jim's trip down to his parents, and as previously stated, I can't hare off and leave everyone stranded at the house, assuming I don't take Jay with me. So... yeah. I am not only a sad person, but a completely useless one as well, that can't even be there for her family in their time of need, because she fails so hard at life. Go me.