You Have Been Warned
God, there are days that I don't wanna go back to work...or college...or anywhere, really. You guys wanna know what my goal is in life right now? What it really is?
All I wanna do is marry Brian, have kids, grow old, and die.
That's it. End of fucking list. Quite frankly, all I wanna be is a housewife. The only thing really keeping me from this is the fact that, in being only a housewife, I would be expected to cook all meals. I can't cook worth a fuck, and don't really wanna learn either. I like Brian's cooking. I want Brian to keep cooking. Most people agree with me in the fact that I should not cook. But I believe that a housewife should be able to cook, thus defeating my plans of staying at home and taking care of children and household.
I'm going to college to get a history degree. I don't even know why, really. I say that I wouldn't mind teaching, but that's only b/c that's all you can do with a history degree. Sure, they have those exciting jobs like, being a historian that gets questioned on the history channel on all sorts of stuff like Hitler, but those jobs are few and far b/w. Plus, most of those people still teach college classes anyway.
Guys, what happened to me? Just three years ago, before I started at LSMSA, I didn't want to get married. I didn't want kids. Hell, I wanted to get my tubes tied at 18 just to avoid the prospect of having kids. Then Brian came along. Brian, who managed to become the boyfriend, punching bag, crying pillow, best friend, and fiance in a few short months. Quite possibly the first guy that really made me want to get married to someone. The guy that made me think past next week, next month, or even high school alltogether. Congradulations, lover, you pulled off the impossible.
But I still didn't want kids...ever. Maybe adopting some little Russian child, but that was only in wistful moments. Then, my brother Daniel got with this wonderful girl named Cristy, who had a little bitty boy named Bryce. He's an adorable little kid (I'll need to post a picture sometime), and he's the sweetest thing imaginable. I use to tell Daniel that I was going to kidnap him sometimes. Cristy got preggers with Daniel's child (Bryce, while technically not Daniel's, still calls him daddy and Daniel calls him his son), and in January, gave birth to Ty. Guys, you wouldn't believe how much marriage and fatherhood has changed the guy whom I use to tell people was my brother who went to rehab on his 21st birthday. It...it just, did something to him. Something that can't even be named properly in the English language. The closest thing is that it grew him up, but it made him happy. Seeing Daniel with his children made me start to appriciate what parenthood was really about, not what my other brother Dustin and his whore of a wife made it look like with their four little monsters (they've gotten better as they've aged, so I've heard. Wouldn't know...haven't seen them in over a year).
Then my friend Gray got pregnant. Well, she got pregnant last year, but I was around her in her last two months. I helped her pick out stuff for the baby girl, helped set up the room, and basically just hung out with a very pregnant 19 year old girl. I even went to her baby shower, instead of going to LSMSA's graduation this year. God, being around her made me want to have children so bad, and I'm not even sure why, really. Maybe it's just getting a real slice of reality of it. And I've even got someone to share it with, which makes it all the more better.
I've also been reading someone's live journal (they'll remain nameless to protect the innocent) who is a housewife with two kids. There's a slice of reality right there. She's had it rougher than I have and still managed to find a wonderful husband and have two of the cutest kids I've ever seen.
So, in three years, I've went from just wanting to go to a college way out of state to get away from my mother and never wanting marriage or kids, to becoming whatever the hell it is that I am today. Is this what they call growing up? It's kinda scary, yet kinda exciting.
Can't wait to get married and have kids. Can't wait for college to be over so that I can do those things. (Brian wants to wait until then so that we can possibly get a stable financial situation going.)Can't wait to grow up, honestly.
Wow, that's something that's just been going through my mind for the past, oh, six months or so. Yeesh, it's good to finally get all that out into the open like that. It's not like I never told Brian, but like, two other people knew that before tonight. Nothing like airing out your laundry on the internet to make you feel good.