how i feel
hrm... a description of how i feel now would be like a dozen daggers plunged deep within my heart and stomach, and then, to make it worse, have them twisted. Nathan left early this afternoon to go back home after a glorious, most wonderful 11 day trip. you may think that its a lot of time, but in reality, it's nothing. i was alright on the car ride over to TIA, i was ok while he was checking in, but as soon as we were standing outside of the trams, it hit me like a ton of bricks and i started sobbing. i clung to him and i didnt ever want to let go, but we only had 5 minutes or less to say goodbye because he was running late. he got on the tram and i ran over to the window and i watched his face fly by as he stared blankly out of the window. i let out a sob and i had to sit because my whole body was shaking.
when i finally stopped shaking, i got up and walked over to the elevators to go back up to my car. i got to my car and sat in the drivers seat and i was crying so loudly i nearly deafened myself, and i kept looking around, hoping that he'd somehow forgotten something of his, something that i could keep close to me, but he hadnt.
i got out of my car again, and ran around the level of the parking lot, looking for his airplane. when i saw it, i had to lean against the nearest post to keep myself from falling down into a quivering mass on the floor and sobbing again. i finally got back to my car and i sat there crying for another 5 minutes or so and then decided to try to make it home. for the first 10 minutes of the car ride, i still had tears streaming down my face, and i wanted to turn back and go back and somehow get to him and just cling to him so tightly... but it was impossible. i finally had to focus on the traffic, so i stopped crying until i was nearly home. then i got up and my mom force fed me some orange juice and whipping cream. then i grabbed the carebear that nathan won for me at the fair and i went to my room and cried for a while. my mom came over and dragged me to her room and we watched TV for a good long while.
now he's stuck in montreal because his flight from toronto was late, so he missed his connecting flight to moncton. that means that he might be stuck in the airport for 2 days, and i wont get to talk to him at all except for snatched minutes here and there.
i keep getting up and looking around and seeing something that reminds me of him, and i remember something that we did together, or that i watched him do, and tears flow freely again. i have no way to stop them. my heart aches, because just earlier today, he was right here, for me to hug and kiss and hold on to, and now he's not. its worse than if he had died, because i know he wants to be here just as much i want him to be, but he cant. and now i cant see him for another 2 months...
i dont know if any of you at all can relate to this, but if you cant, i hope you never have to go through it. it is the most heart wrenching thing i have ever done, but if Nathan wasn't Nathan, i wouldn't be doing it. in the end, being with him outweighs this feeling, this pain, by far.
when i finally stopped shaking, i got up and walked over to the elevators to go back up to my car. i got to my car and sat in the drivers seat and i was crying so loudly i nearly deafened myself, and i kept looking around, hoping that he'd somehow forgotten something of his, something that i could keep close to me, but he hadnt.
i got out of my car again, and ran around the level of the parking lot, looking for his airplane. when i saw it, i had to lean against the nearest post to keep myself from falling down into a quivering mass on the floor and sobbing again. i finally got back to my car and i sat there crying for another 5 minutes or so and then decided to try to make it home. for the first 10 minutes of the car ride, i still had tears streaming down my face, and i wanted to turn back and go back and somehow get to him and just cling to him so tightly... but it was impossible. i finally had to focus on the traffic, so i stopped crying until i was nearly home. then i got up and my mom force fed me some orange juice and whipping cream. then i grabbed the carebear that nathan won for me at the fair and i went to my room and cried for a while. my mom came over and dragged me to her room and we watched TV for a good long while.
now he's stuck in montreal because his flight from toronto was late, so he missed his connecting flight to moncton. that means that he might be stuck in the airport for 2 days, and i wont get to talk to him at all except for snatched minutes here and there.
i keep getting up and looking around and seeing something that reminds me of him, and i remember something that we did together, or that i watched him do, and tears flow freely again. i have no way to stop them. my heart aches, because just earlier today, he was right here, for me to hug and kiss and hold on to, and now he's not. its worse than if he had died, because i know he wants to be here just as much i want him to be, but he cant. and now i cant see him for another 2 months...
i dont know if any of you at all can relate to this, but if you cant, i hope you never have to go through it. it is the most heart wrenching thing i have ever done, but if Nathan wasn't Nathan, i wouldn't be doing it. in the end, being with him outweighs this feeling, this pain, by far.