What am I fighting for?
** This is a long over due post.**
It seems like everyday I'm fighting for something. You may ask what but that is what I am yet to find out. I'm starting to wonder what it is i'm fighting for. What ever it is i'm putting up a good fight for it. However, I'm starting to get sick and tired of fighting. In every way you can think of. Maybe i'm fighting to find my way back. In so many things lately I've lost myself. For who I am and what I believe. I've been so caught up in helping others that I can't do it for myself. I feel like i'm so close to breaking down and crying that i'm feeling more and more vulnerable. Yet, I don't know how to say no to people. All I can do is say sorry because I can't fix it and keep trying. Last night I didn't know who to turn to. I was going to cry and I didn't know who to call. I won't let myself cry though. I've been on the verge so many times lately and every time I stop myself from crying. I just need out of Grand Rapids. Not for a day or a weekend. I need out of here for a week. I need away from all of this stress and everything here. It's just hard because i'm not what everyone wants me to be. I'm sick of not being the perfect granddaughter my grandpa wants me to be. The one who's thin, get straight A's, wants to go to college and stay home, who believes everything he does. At the same time I hate not being able to say all of this to my grandparents. I can't talk to them because it doesn't matter. I wouldn't tell them who I was dating because they would get so angry. Yet, i want to tell them everything else except that and I can't. I'm sorry and I don't know what for.
I'm i've let myself an everyone else down.
It seems like everyday I'm fighting for something. You may ask what but that is what I am yet to find out. I'm starting to wonder what it is i'm fighting for. What ever it is i'm putting up a good fight for it. However, I'm starting to get sick and tired of fighting. In every way you can think of. Maybe i'm fighting to find my way back. In so many things lately I've lost myself. For who I am and what I believe. I've been so caught up in helping others that I can't do it for myself. I feel like i'm so close to breaking down and crying that i'm feeling more and more vulnerable. Yet, I don't know how to say no to people. All I can do is say sorry because I can't fix it and keep trying. Last night I didn't know who to turn to. I was going to cry and I didn't know who to call. I won't let myself cry though. I've been on the verge so many times lately and every time I stop myself from crying. I just need out of Grand Rapids. Not for a day or a weekend. I need out of here for a week. I need away from all of this stress and everything here. It's just hard because i'm not what everyone wants me to be. I'm sick of not being the perfect granddaughter my grandpa wants me to be. The one who's thin, get straight A's, wants to go to college and stay home, who believes everything he does. At the same time I hate not being able to say all of this to my grandparents. I can't talk to them because it doesn't matter. I wouldn't tell them who I was dating because they would get so angry. Yet, i want to tell them everything else except that and I can't. I'm sorry and I don't know what for.
I'm i've let myself an everyone else down.