Life
I do write in this thing, every once in a while. and usuaully when I do, it gets long, so I apologize in advance for it. But mabye if you read it will help you understand me.
Being broken up with Eric has provided a lot of extra time in my schedule, I mean not a lot I guess. but some, gives me a lot of time to think. So i've been thinking about life, and what I think about it and such. And I'm going to write it in here, just because I need to get it out, so if you don't like it just SHUT your mouth, cuz I don't care.
First off, I'm really starting to feel an emptiness to me, and I think this is because I'm not needed anymore. You know I've always had like people around me, that would always come to me for advice and to hang out and such, and I've had Eric for the past year and a half, and I felt needed, wanted, like I was important to someone. But now we have moved to a different "status" and I don't feel like that anymore. And I also don't feel needed or wanted by any of my other like friends and stuff. It wouldn't matter if I'm here or not anymore. People only talk to me, well because they have nothing better to do, not because they WANT to hang out with me, not because I'm ENJOYABLE to hang out with, but because I'm someone who isn't imaginary.
I hate who I am lately. I mean I use to be the nicest most caring people knew, and now it's like...I don't even know, I mean I still care about people, but I'm not nice. If I have something to say, I say it, and I hate that. I've always held my opinions to myself, and that's what made everything alright. I would always say what people needed/ wanted to hear, and I think that's why people wanted to be around me. I don't know, it's not even like I try to be rude, but I am. I wish I was the silent old Rachael that I was for almost all my life, up untill like last year. *shrugs* so I think that's going to be my goal for the next school year, is to like take a practically silence oath or whatever. You know talk when spoken to, or when like a conversation is desperatly needed. *shrugs* we'll see how it works at least.
Another thing I have been thinking about is my "religion". I don't even know what to think anymore. I mean I have so many ups and downs. I swear I was a better christian before I was even a christian, I loved god, and had a better friendship with him like before I actually took the steps of salvation or whatever. Now it's just like, I don't know what I think about him. I guess I believe in him and such, but I don't know I don't really believe everything in the bible, or what Christianity is based upon, like big topics even, like gay marriage and abortion. *shrugs* It's like I like to have the relationship with God, but I don't feel like I deserve it, especially believing how i do. I also believe that like there is no one right religion, like whatever works for you ...well go ahead if it makes you happy...so I'm thinking that maybe there is a better religion out there, you know one that suits my like personal like beliefs better than christianity...*shrugs* So for now, I think I'm quitting praise team, just cuz I don't feel right about being apart of it when I don't even know what I believe, and leading worship when I'm not even worshipping myself...and as for sunday school and youth group and stuff, I think I'm just going to go to listen, no more participating, at least untill I know for sure...*shrugs* I'm hoping camp at Bambi Lake will help straighten some of this stuff out...
It seems right now that we are adopting another boy into our family, not like it isn't big enough, lets just add another person, you know. I mean, I think it's really nice of my parents and stuff, and it's not like we haven't had a lot of people in my house before, and I really like the dude, it's just I hope it doesn't make things more stressful for us, as a family, and for me as an individual almost 17 year old entering my senior year in high school, with all these other pressures around me. I mean I really don't think I can handle much more repsonsibility anymore. So Really I am happy he is coming here because I know we'll provide a good home for him, but I hope (I know this sounds selfish) I hope that they don't expect me to be like his buddy, at least not till I'm settled into high school, and this new life again.
I guess this is it for now..all I can say is, please don't bite my head off if I bite yours off, I seem to be extremly moody, and stuff. I HATE it, but I honestly can't stop it. So please bear with me. I need all the love and care I can get, :-/ (there's a little more why, but I don't feel comfortable telling everyone...so yeah) just Help me through this.
~Rachael (a.k.a. Fred)
Being broken up with Eric has provided a lot of extra time in my schedule, I mean not a lot I guess. but some, gives me a lot of time to think. So i've been thinking about life, and what I think about it and such. And I'm going to write it in here, just because I need to get it out, so if you don't like it just SHUT your mouth, cuz I don't care.
First off, I'm really starting to feel an emptiness to me, and I think this is because I'm not needed anymore. You know I've always had like people around me, that would always come to me for advice and to hang out and such, and I've had Eric for the past year and a half, and I felt needed, wanted, like I was important to someone. But now we have moved to a different "status" and I don't feel like that anymore. And I also don't feel needed or wanted by any of my other like friends and stuff. It wouldn't matter if I'm here or not anymore. People only talk to me, well because they have nothing better to do, not because they WANT to hang out with me, not because I'm ENJOYABLE to hang out with, but because I'm someone who isn't imaginary.
I hate who I am lately. I mean I use to be the nicest most caring people knew, and now it's like...I don't even know, I mean I still care about people, but I'm not nice. If I have something to say, I say it, and I hate that. I've always held my opinions to myself, and that's what made everything alright. I would always say what people needed/ wanted to hear, and I think that's why people wanted to be around me. I don't know, it's not even like I try to be rude, but I am. I wish I was the silent old Rachael that I was for almost all my life, up untill like last year. *shrugs* so I think that's going to be my goal for the next school year, is to like take a practically silence oath or whatever. You know talk when spoken to, or when like a conversation is desperatly needed. *shrugs* we'll see how it works at least.
Another thing I have been thinking about is my "religion". I don't even know what to think anymore. I mean I have so many ups and downs. I swear I was a better christian before I was even a christian, I loved god, and had a better friendship with him like before I actually took the steps of salvation or whatever. Now it's just like, I don't know what I think about him. I guess I believe in him and such, but I don't know I don't really believe everything in the bible, or what Christianity is based upon, like big topics even, like gay marriage and abortion. *shrugs* It's like I like to have the relationship with God, but I don't feel like I deserve it, especially believing how i do. I also believe that like there is no one right religion, like whatever works for you ...well go ahead if it makes you happy...so I'm thinking that maybe there is a better religion out there, you know one that suits my like personal like beliefs better than christianity...*shrugs* So for now, I think I'm quitting praise team, just cuz I don't feel right about being apart of it when I don't even know what I believe, and leading worship when I'm not even worshipping myself...and as for sunday school and youth group and stuff, I think I'm just going to go to listen, no more participating, at least untill I know for sure...*shrugs* I'm hoping camp at Bambi Lake will help straighten some of this stuff out...
It seems right now that we are adopting another boy into our family, not like it isn't big enough, lets just add another person, you know. I mean, I think it's really nice of my parents and stuff, and it's not like we haven't had a lot of people in my house before, and I really like the dude, it's just I hope it doesn't make things more stressful for us, as a family, and for me as an individual almost 17 year old entering my senior year in high school, with all these other pressures around me. I mean I really don't think I can handle much more repsonsibility anymore. So Really I am happy he is coming here because I know we'll provide a good home for him, but I hope (I know this sounds selfish) I hope that they don't expect me to be like his buddy, at least not till I'm settled into high school, and this new life again.
I guess this is it for now..all I can say is, please don't bite my head off if I bite yours off, I seem to be extremly moody, and stuff. I HATE it, but I honestly can't stop it. So please bear with me. I need all the love and care I can get, :-/ (there's a little more why, but I don't feel comfortable telling everyone...so yeah) just Help me through this.
~Rachael (a.k.a. Fred)