I am Pain. I am Real. I'm NOT a Dream.
Dear Diary,
Today I did something brave. Buried in depression.. out of sheer desperation I said "Hi.." to a stranger. Em, mind you.. not really a stranger, a usual costumer. A girl probably a little older than me. Short brown hair, purple in the back.. someone who seems like 'my kind of people', and as such I feel an unjustified relation to this person. She comes in usually walks around the pretty, although perverse, clothing.. picks up a video to rent and stops to see if I'm drawing anything before paying and leaving.
Today she stopped to look at my drawing, which is.. well, chicken scratch of an emotional self portrait of sorts. Before she got a chance to comment I managed to squeeze out that greeting.. My brain screamed at me to stop. Even now I feel a searing pain in the back of my skull I don't know how to explain. A pain I get in all social situations where I step up to do something I don't usually do. My already quickened breath shook at her awkward pause.. her look at me.. and when she said 'Hi' back.. I felt a little better, but still very.. very anxious. On the verge of panic, she just kind of smiled before she went to pay.
I'm.. able to squeeze out the occasional 'thanks', after people pay.. mind you I get more looks for not saying it than when I do, and as such it feels more like a ritual than me actually interacting with someone on a personal level. Ask if I say 'Thank you' and I'd tell you I never say that. It feels incomplete and more personal with 'you' in it somehow. I don't care to elaborate on that feeling at this moment. So, I'll finish up.
I don't know if I should feel proud.. or scared that such desperation for attention would drive me to do something I consider close to harming myself physically. (I feel that cutting myself causes less pain than talking to someone I don't consider close.) It's.. different. I strive for something different lately.. since things seem.. rather hopeless. I'm not going to be talking more words to this person. I will, however.. I think... try to say hi again the next time she comes in. Only, this time less forced.. maybe. If I can manage not to stutter.
Note to self: Check out new 'Panic! At the Disco'.. and see if I can find the song 'Clear Hearts, Gray Flowers' by Jack Off Jill.
Today I did something brave. Buried in depression.. out of sheer desperation I said "Hi.." to a stranger. Em, mind you.. not really a stranger, a usual costumer. A girl probably a little older than me. Short brown hair, purple in the back.. someone who seems like 'my kind of people', and as such I feel an unjustified relation to this person. She comes in usually walks around the pretty, although perverse, clothing.. picks up a video to rent and stops to see if I'm drawing anything before paying and leaving.
Today she stopped to look at my drawing, which is.. well, chicken scratch of an emotional self portrait of sorts. Before she got a chance to comment I managed to squeeze out that greeting.. My brain screamed at me to stop. Even now I feel a searing pain in the back of my skull I don't know how to explain. A pain I get in all social situations where I step up to do something I don't usually do. My already quickened breath shook at her awkward pause.. her look at me.. and when she said 'Hi' back.. I felt a little better, but still very.. very anxious. On the verge of panic, she just kind of smiled before she went to pay.
I'm.. able to squeeze out the occasional 'thanks', after people pay.. mind you I get more looks for not saying it than when I do, and as such it feels more like a ritual than me actually interacting with someone on a personal level. Ask if I say 'Thank you' and I'd tell you I never say that. It feels incomplete and more personal with 'you' in it somehow. I don't care to elaborate on that feeling at this moment. So, I'll finish up.
I don't know if I should feel proud.. or scared that such desperation for attention would drive me to do something I consider close to harming myself physically. (I feel that cutting myself causes less pain than talking to someone I don't consider close.) It's.. different. I strive for something different lately.. since things seem.. rather hopeless. I'm not going to be talking more words to this person. I will, however.. I think... try to say hi again the next time she comes in. Only, this time less forced.. maybe. If I can manage not to stutter.
Note to self: Check out new 'Panic! At the Disco'.. and see if I can find the song 'Clear Hearts, Gray Flowers' by Jack Off Jill.