Pushing Parks - Chapter 5
Chapter 5
For all of his swagger, Tom Haverford never thought that he would one day end up being the cook of JJ’s Waffle Haus. He was the most stylish man in Coeur de Pawnee and after his green card marriage ended, Tom Haverford was sure that life would finally work out for him, especially after he met the only other guy in Coeur de Pawnee who had as much swagger as him. When Jean-Ralphio Saperstein offered to partner up with him to build Coeur de Pawnee’s first and only entertainment emporium after he got flushed with cash when a Lexus ran over him, Tom Haverford was sure that he would become a successful, amazingly dressed man by the end of that week. Only two months after Entertainment 720 opened, the company burned down to the ground, literally, when a fire broke in the building after a flame-thrower malfunction and so did Tom’s dreams.
Unemployed and unable to get money from the insurance company for the fire, Tom Haverford entered JJ’s Waffle Haus after seeing the ‘help wanted’ sign and never left since he was also evicted from his house. He had been a cook doing everything but the waffles and also taking shelter in a small backroom ever since. The one great perk to his job, apart from the health and dental coverage, was working side by side with the beautiful ex-nurse Ann Perkins who kept turning him down day after day.
“How amazing was that punch?” he exclaimed as Ann came into the kitchen after the Waffle Maker and the mysterious narrow-framed punch-throwing guy left JJ’s Waffle Haus. “The guy has no swag but he took Ron Fucking Swanson down.”
“I know, it looked so hot!” the beautiful ex-nurse agreed. “I have seen him come and go here but have never seen him with Leslie before.”
“Who is he?”
“He is apparently a friend of Leslie’s, he was at her house this morning.”
“Our girl is doing the nasty behind our backs. I am glad to call her my friend.” Tom Haverford said as he rang out the order.
“I have never seen her with a guy before since I moved back. The last date she was on was with that hundred year old guy her mother set her up with.” Ann Perkins commented as she picked up the order. “She is full of mysteries, first she keeps disappearing with Ron Swanson and then she is hanging out with a guy who punches Ron Swanson. It seems like she loves secrets and wants to marry secrets and have half-human half-secret babies.”
“She is the Waffle Maker, that’s like being a super hero in this town. With great power comes great responsibility. And secrets. Have you never read a comic in your life?”
“You sound like a big nerd, Tom, it isn’t a good look for you.” Ann told Tom Haverford as she left the kitchen.
At that exact moment on the other side of town, Leslie Knope was pacing around in her living room while Ben Wyatt was looking at her.
“You are going to leave a trail on the floor.” he said. “I am sorry, I didn’t mean to punch Ron Swanson, I told you, it was like a gag reflex. He called you a bitch.”
“And you punched him. In the middle of my diner.”
“And I apologized.” he repeated himself for the fifteenth time since the said event took place. “And I am sorry I left the house though you told me not to, I just couldn’t stay here alone.”
“Because it is a hoarder’s nest?” Leslie Knope asked angrily as she finally stopped and stood before Ben Wyatt.
“No, because I didn’t want to stay away from you.”
Leslie looked at Ben Wyatt who was looking right back at her from where he was sitting, unable to formulate a response. A rush of warmth enveloped her, eradicating her anger. She would later describe this feeling as joy. Just when she finally opened her mouth to say something she didn’t think about, there was a knock on her door.
The Waffle Maker rushed to the door, only to find her partner Ron Swanson on the other side of the door holding a piece of red meat to the spot where Ben Wyatt had punched him.
“Knope, I am ruining this wonderful piece of meat from Mulligan’s just because your dead-alive friend punched me. Yet I am willing put it behind us. I want to help you solve his murder.”
“Thank you.” Leslie said but hesitated to invite him inside.
Suddenly a figure appeared by their side. “Ron Swanson, I bring you the saddest news.”
“Hello Chris.” Ron acknowledged Chris Traeger, the temporary Mayor of Couer de Pawnee though Chris Traeger didn’t seem to acknowledge Leslie Knope. Ron Swanson had a rare moment of gratitude for Chris Traeger’s inability to focus on more than one thing at once.
“I was on my daily 10K when I saw you drive here.” he said. “Jerry Gergich of your Parks department sadly passed away. It is literally the worst news I have ever had. He was walking outside yesterday around noon next to Ramsett Park and had a fart attack.”
Ron looked angrily at Leslie who glimpsed at Ben in the house sadly who bowed his head down in what felt like defeat.
“He was old. And like everything he was to die. And this makes me think about my own mortality. And this makes me sadder than humanly possible. I’m going to finish my daily 10K now.” he said. “Ron, great job on Ramsett Park though, it is literally the best looking park in this wonderful town.” he added and left as suddenly as he first appeared.
“Dammit Jerry.” Ron exclaimed. “It just had to be him.”
“I’m so sorry Ron. This is my fault.” Leslie said, inviting Ron in.
“We need to find out who killed your friend.” Ron suggested.
“Ben. My name is Ben.”
“It is of no importance, Dead Boy.” Ron said as he sat down opposite to him. “We need to solve your murder so Jerry’s death will not be in vain. And yours too.”
Leslie joined them. “Ben doesn’t know who killed him, how are we supposed to find it out?”
“Son, did you have any enemies, anyone who wanted to harm you?” Ron Swanson asked.
“I received at least a dozen death threats ever since I moved to Coeur de Pawnee because I wanted to cut down the budget. I guess you can say yes, I had enemies.”
“Then we need names, phone numbers and motives.” The Waffle Maker exclaimed. “It is a start point.”
“You are the numbers robot guy, right? You wanted to gut the government’s budget with a machete. I am a big admirer.” Ron said with a glimpse of a smile that scared Ben Wyatt.
“Surprisingly you were the only one who supported me.” Ben Wyatt concurred.
“Let’s start within the government, we need a list of names of everyone whose budgets you wanted to slash.” Ron suggested. “I had ‘slash it’ banners I was bringing to the meetings, I still keep them in my trunk.”
“I remember very well, you were quite cheery.” Ben replied. “Leslie, do you mind doing this? I know you have a diner to run.”
“I brought you back to life and kept you alive so it is my responsibility to find out who is responsible for taking your life. And Jerry's by proxy.” The Waffle Maker said as she joined Ron Swanson and Ben Wyatt.
Two hours later, they were writing on the last page of a legal pad.
“Son, this is a lot of enemies.”
“There were too many things to cut.” Ben offered. “Leslie, you know everyone in this town, you can go through the list and take out who are harmless.”
“I can’t think of anyone in this town who would want to murder someone.” The Waffle Maker said. “Half of the town cannot even get off from their couches, let alone murder you.” she added. “How about something you were doing recently that pissed somebody off?”
“I was working on the sanitation department just before I was killed.” Ben suggested.
“I’ll go question Sewage Joe, you two stay here.”
Ron Swanson left the Waffle Maker and the Teen Mayor alone and silence filled the room. Leslie looked at Ben Wyatt and the legal pad before them. “I’m going to make color-coordinated binders for these so that we can find out the killer more easily.” she suggested, to break the silence and walked to the heap of folders she was keeping in the next room with Ben Wyatt’s eyes on her. She brought five binders and left them on the coffee table. “I’m going to make some waffles.”
“I’ll help.” Ben Wyatt said and followed her to the kitchen. Leslie already had the ingredients ready and was trying to reach for her favorite waffle iron on the overhead cupboard. Ben Wyatt came behind her and reached, over, almost touching her hand. Leslie immediately pulled her hand away and herself and the iron fell on the floor, between them.
“Don’t touch me.” she mumbled. “I’m allergic to fingers.” she added.
Ben Wyatt looked at her, puzzled. “No, you are not.” he protested.
“No, I’m not.” she admitted, looking up to him. “But I don’t know the full extent of my power. No, it’s not a power. It’s a… it’s… my thing. I can touch you and kill you. Again.”
“I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.” Ben uttered sincerely and bent to pick the iron up. He was glad it wasn’t broken. “Here.” he said as he extended the iron, not keeping his eyes away from her.
Leslie did not break his gaze as she reached out and picked the other end of the iron. She thought how funny it was that there would always be a physical barrier between them and now that barrier was one object she loved the most and started with the waffles.
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AN: These two idiots are now married! And Veronica Mars movie, ftw!