Into Nothingness...
I thought I'd update again. I'll be alright but... I don't think I'm coming back, actually I'm sure of it. I'm sorry but too much of that place reminds me too much of what was. Did any of us imagine we'd be were we are when we first entered 9th grade. I know I didn't. I thought I'd be dead by now, somewhere in the abyss of my mind I still do.
But in a way I am dead. I have no meaning behind this mask of fear. I am afraid, *chuckles*, I always have been. That's what has made me who I am and that's what's keeping me from who I must become. It's too hard to figure out where to start. I'm still in awe over the fact that my life is my own.
*breathes deeply, sighs*
It's funny how life is a double-edged sword. God forbid you make a mistake without it being held over your head and everyone screaming in your ear "you're not who I knew", "you're not who you used to be", " I'm not who I used to be"...
To keep from taking the blame for their actions people will point out every flaw anyone has and say "look, look this person did this" To try and hide the mistake they've made. I've done it everyone has at some point, and many of us still do because like it or not, WE ARE ALL AFRAID TO GROW UP. No matter what age you are right now, no matter who you are, you'll keep telling yourself you're growing your'e changing just to cover up that you're not. You're converting into a child-like state. We convert into a child-like state. I've told myself I've changed but I'm worse now then I was when you met me, Bethy. So much worse. And I try to let Matt help but it'ws so hard because I'm scared.
I'm a big fraidy cat. I'll admit it and my excuse is, I don't know how. I can't think of how to do what I need to do, where to start. I not saying anyone in peticular, don't come on here saying that's not me, then it's not for you, it was never for you. It's for me to know.... I don't know what, but I know that I've changed, I'm afraid, Hell I've never been more afraid in my entire life, but I think I'm gonna try. I think I'm gonna.
Who am I to say what's right or wrong. To say I know anyone. I have no friends. Not true friends where I could tell you what's going on in their heads right now. I've cut myself off from that to keep from speading my disease. My insanity. I'll fucked you up and sooner fuck you over. I speak my mind and you won't like it. It's not fair to hate someone for what they do, you can only hate them for what they do to you.
Me saying, no yelling, no angry, NONE. I'm too mentally instable for that right now.
Chris wasn't in it for the pussy. He was trying to love you as much as you loved him. He tried to feel for you. But he couldn't so he broke it off to keep from hurting you worse. I'm sorry he hurt you but I know with all of my heart it wasn't on purpose. He didn't use you. Didn't try to...
I don't hate you.
--I'd rather go a hundred miles for a friend then to have them not ask me too--
But in a way I am dead. I have no meaning behind this mask of fear. I am afraid, *chuckles*, I always have been. That's what has made me who I am and that's what's keeping me from who I must become. It's too hard to figure out where to start. I'm still in awe over the fact that my life is my own.
*breathes deeply, sighs*
It's funny how life is a double-edged sword. God forbid you make a mistake without it being held over your head and everyone screaming in your ear "you're not who I knew", "you're not who you used to be", " I'm not who I used to be"...
To keep from taking the blame for their actions people will point out every flaw anyone has and say "look, look this person did this" To try and hide the mistake they've made. I've done it everyone has at some point, and many of us still do because like it or not, WE ARE ALL AFRAID TO GROW UP. No matter what age you are right now, no matter who you are, you'll keep telling yourself you're growing your'e changing just to cover up that you're not. You're converting into a child-like state. We convert into a child-like state. I've told myself I've changed but I'm worse now then I was when you met me, Bethy. So much worse. And I try to let Matt help but it'ws so hard because I'm scared.
I'm a big fraidy cat. I'll admit it and my excuse is, I don't know how. I can't think of how to do what I need to do, where to start. I not saying anyone in peticular, don't come on here saying that's not me, then it's not for you, it was never for you. It's for me to know.... I don't know what, but I know that I've changed, I'm afraid, Hell I've never been more afraid in my entire life, but I think I'm gonna try. I think I'm gonna.
Who am I to say what's right or wrong. To say I know anyone. I have no friends. Not true friends where I could tell you what's going on in their heads right now. I've cut myself off from that to keep from speading my disease. My insanity. I'll fucked you up and sooner fuck you over. I speak my mind and you won't like it. It's not fair to hate someone for what they do, you can only hate them for what they do to you.
Me saying, no yelling, no angry, NONE. I'm too mentally instable for that right now.
Chris wasn't in it for the pussy. He was trying to love you as much as you loved him. He tried to feel for you. But he couldn't so he broke it off to keep from hurting you worse. I'm sorry he hurt you but I know with all of my heart it wasn't on purpose. He didn't use you. Didn't try to...
I don't hate you.
--I'd rather go a hundred miles for a friend then to have them not ask me too--