Give away all of me.
Well. What to say. Sometimes I think that there is nothing left for me anymore. At least not here...Six months, that is all I have left. Dad says to take it, just take the put downs, take the abuse. But I don't want to. I just want to lash out at her, tell her to deal with her childhood problems, and stop pulling me apart. Because that's the only thing she will ever accomplish.
I've already inherited a lot of their problems, and I try to fight it, I try to be strong, but there are times when I crack, when I find myself lashing out at the people surrounding me. They think that I'm just a bitch, that I'm "always mad", but I'm not. I'm not always mad. I'm just taking it. It's not so easy. But no one else is dealing with it. They don't come home with me. It's not their problem. So I have to get labeled, deal with the label, deal with them laughing about it. And I'm over it.
I keep telling myself that once I leave, move out, that it'll be better. It has to be. They won't be there second guessing my every step. Trying to lower my self-esteem at their earliest convience.
I'm sick of just being an obligation. Everyone expects love and respect, but I am expected to expect neither. What is that?! What makes everyone else so goddamn special...
First I'm not allowed to eat for speaking the truth (because she's in denial about things she's said), then there's her timeless reference (telling me to whore around for whatever money I need to pay for my senior activities and things), and then of course my father decides to leave for work today. So i get stuck with her. And then her friend comes over (to take a bunch of the clothes I'm giving away to her stepdaughter) and she (my mother) decides to give away pictures that I've had since I moved to this godforsaken state, even before then. She smiles, pretends its okay, and then her friend leaves and I get bitched at and threatened for being upset that she gave them away without asking. I am so sick of it. I am sick of giving up a normal life to deal with her issues. I love my brother, but I am sick of having to take care of him, cook for him, help him with his homework. I am not his mother. I didn't make the choice to have him. Yet I've got the responsibilities of being a mom. And then I get told that I'm a lazy, worthless, P.O.S.
But no one sees that. No one gives a damn about that. But god help me if I don't smile every goddamn second of the day, because then I am just a bad person. A bitch. Or a drama-queen depending on who you talk to.
One weekend. All this happens in one weekend. I wasn't even freaking here on Saturday. I guess I am just tired. I don't want to be this person anymore. I want to love. I want to be happy. I want to go to school knowing that the world won't fall down around me. I guess I just want to be free.
Six months...
I've already inherited a lot of their problems, and I try to fight it, I try to be strong, but there are times when I crack, when I find myself lashing out at the people surrounding me. They think that I'm just a bitch, that I'm "always mad", but I'm not. I'm not always mad. I'm just taking it. It's not so easy. But no one else is dealing with it. They don't come home with me. It's not their problem. So I have to get labeled, deal with the label, deal with them laughing about it. And I'm over it.
I keep telling myself that once I leave, move out, that it'll be better. It has to be. They won't be there second guessing my every step. Trying to lower my self-esteem at their earliest convience.
I'm sick of just being an obligation. Everyone expects love and respect, but I am expected to expect neither. What is that?! What makes everyone else so goddamn special...
First I'm not allowed to eat for speaking the truth (because she's in denial about things she's said), then there's her timeless reference (telling me to whore around for whatever money I need to pay for my senior activities and things), and then of course my father decides to leave for work today. So i get stuck with her. And then her friend comes over (to take a bunch of the clothes I'm giving away to her stepdaughter) and she (my mother) decides to give away pictures that I've had since I moved to this godforsaken state, even before then. She smiles, pretends its okay, and then her friend leaves and I get bitched at and threatened for being upset that she gave them away without asking. I am so sick of it. I am sick of giving up a normal life to deal with her issues. I love my brother, but I am sick of having to take care of him, cook for him, help him with his homework. I am not his mother. I didn't make the choice to have him. Yet I've got the responsibilities of being a mom. And then I get told that I'm a lazy, worthless, P.O.S.
But no one sees that. No one gives a damn about that. But god help me if I don't smile every goddamn second of the day, because then I am just a bad person. A bitch. Or a drama-queen depending on who you talk to.
One weekend. All this happens in one weekend. I wasn't even freaking here on Saturday. I guess I am just tired. I don't want to be this person anymore. I want to love. I want to be happy. I want to go to school knowing that the world won't fall down around me. I guess I just want to be free.
Six months...