(no subject)
yes, i was just venting. did i really feel all that i wrote, yes and no. did i know that you were just joking, no. did it all seem real to me, definately. i never was good at telling if people were serious or not. i know that it is probably just a big misunderstanding. i know that your life is busy because of college. mine is busy because of work and my hobby now. i will be starting college next fall at ivy tech and this time i am sticking to that plan. everything in my life has changed. i am not the person that i used to be when we were in school. i have a lot of time to think to myself now, and when i was looking back through my memories, i did realize how much i was influenced by what others said. i guess you were just an easy target. i am sorry about that. i needed to vent, and i thought the best anonamous person to use was you, because not many know you as my gemini sister. but do you see where i am coming from though? and i know, we are both guilty of the whole staying in touch thing, but you know, we need to face that fact. both of us have busy, alternate from eachother lives. i am not part of the clique any more. i am not sure if i ever really was. seriously, i don't really know who i am now. all i know is that i am different from before. my personality has changed so much. but yet it remained the same. i dont' think that i could really hang out with the people that i used to. i would feel so uncomfortable. i can't really explain why. its just one of those things. i really don't talk to too many people anymore. theres pretty much just a dozen that keep in touch with me and i with them. not the thirty plus like when we were in school. everyone has their own lives now, and we are just trying to make the best of it. wendy isn't with the "asshole" anymore. but that doesn't mean anything. i used to take things so much for granted when i was in high school. like that no matter what, i would see almost everybody the next day. i know that isn't true anymore. as far as i know, i could die tomorrow. or the next day. or the next time i ride, i could get thrown and land on my head or get stepped on and be paralyzed the rest of my life. that is why i am taking my life one day at a time as if it were a gift. which is why i am going to enjoy every last moment that i get to spend with wendy. so yes, it is her. my actions are my actions now. i will take what people say as suggestions, not commands. i used to live for so many people, but now i want to live for myself. i know that in the long run, i hope, we will be friends. i will always have this lj, and i have you to thank for that. you have created a beast by bringing me here, but unfortunately, the beast it out of its cage. i am sorry that i hurt you with what i said. and i know you are pissed at me. but for now, lets just communicate through lj. you always wanted me to post more, and finally i have. i am just sorry you didn't like what i had to say. but feelings get clogged up in me for so long, then i finally explode like a volcanoe, even if i just wanted to be a "lovable teddy bear." i am done for now, farewell, comment if you want more from my view.
raven
raven