(no subject)
You know what? I just have some serious things about death running through my head that I have to get out. So if you care to read, be my guest. If not, then skip over the cut.
Why not some scumbag on the street? For goodness sake, why not me for that matter? All death does is make me question even more. Why take a young, talented, admirable youth, when you could remove those who are molesting children? I wish there were a way for these to be answered, but sadly, I've had trouble in the past accepting the silence of God. Not so much accepting silence, but not learning to look for answers the right way. I've cried over the recent deaths of the young people around me. But not because I know them. Because I can see how our mutual friends feel. And it hurts to know that you can't heal that pain that your friend is feeling. In the past few years, I think I've been preoccupied with death...in one way or another.
Ever since Jason committed suicide, i haven't looked at anything the same. I think it's harder to accept a suicide than anything else. You're left with so many more questions and pain that lasts so much longer. After Jason, there were the Ward siblings....which, as I said, I didn't know them, but some of their friends...following that, my great grandmother, and although she was 90 years old, she wasn't the same person she used to be. Typical, I know. But I wonder, could I have been nicer to her (I wasn't mean, but still)? Did she even really like me (i know she Loved me, just did she like me)?....I guess I just kept lying to myself and saying she'd get better. Then there's David, and Dontae. Two talented young men. It just doesn't add up to me. There's just too many.
I've always been afraid of death to be honest, I just don't think I've ever been so confused about it. Before Jason, I don't think I ever cried for death. Not even my own grandfather. Now, it's almost second nature to me. I don't know why I've been hit so hard this time.
The weather was shitty, work was shitty, school was shitty. Even my hair looked shitty.
But then Brenna re-dyed my hair red again (which by the way looks hella awesome!). I think that was the turn of my attitude. After that, we watched some Mean Girls (how I love that movie!). Then today, despite being late to class, I got extra credit just for showing up and I found out that my last 4 assignments have gotten A's. Then I led an activity in class, which I'm sure was an absolute A, had sloppy joes for dinner (yum!), and hung out with my love for the night.
Yay, things seem to be getting better! Oh yeah, did I mention they took me off the schedule for tomorrow? Yeah so this means 1) I am broke and 2)oh well, because I have a complete, free from everything, 5 day weekend. And most of it will be spent in gluttony. I will eat too much on thursday, eat too many leftovers on friday, and then use that food to soak up alcohol when i drink too much on Saturday. .... Rock the fuck out!!!!!
So anyways, pretty good day now. Hopefully an awesome week.
You should all have a lovely Maim/Kill/Stuff/Eat Turkey Day!!! Love you all!