A Life Lived in Fear
Its funny, but I never really have anything happy to post in my journal. In fact, there seems to be one theme that repeats itself again and again: fear.
I am afraid. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of being with other people. I'm afraid to leave the house and afraid to stay in it. I'm afraid of death and most of the time I'm wishing I would just die.
When I write it down like this it seems so emo. So utterly fucking melodramatic. But that doesn't make it any less true.
I've been home sick again, for the last two days. I'm not feeling any better and in fact I seem to be feeling worse, emotionally and physically. I have no energy, my stomach is upset no matter how little, or how much I eat. I can't seem to pry myself away from the computer because that would require facing the rest of my apartment and my life.
The truth is, I'm tired of it all. Mike's coming on friday and I can't wait to see him...And just the thought of it makes me feel like throwing up. That would be a dramatic end to a relationship that was both wonderful and hellish - He hands me the divorce paper work and I puke. That is, of course, provided he brings the paperwork. If he doesn't, I think I will pummel him senseless and then buy it, whether i have the money or not, and given my missing work, I really won't have the extra cash.
I need to figure something out...Make a plan and stick with it. That's hard to do though.
I am afraid. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of being with other people. I'm afraid to leave the house and afraid to stay in it. I'm afraid of death and most of the time I'm wishing I would just die.
When I write it down like this it seems so emo. So utterly fucking melodramatic. But that doesn't make it any less true.
I've been home sick again, for the last two days. I'm not feeling any better and in fact I seem to be feeling worse, emotionally and physically. I have no energy, my stomach is upset no matter how little, or how much I eat. I can't seem to pry myself away from the computer because that would require facing the rest of my apartment and my life.
The truth is, I'm tired of it all. Mike's coming on friday and I can't wait to see him...And just the thought of it makes me feel like throwing up. That would be a dramatic end to a relationship that was both wonderful and hellish - He hands me the divorce paper work and I puke. That is, of course, provided he brings the paperwork. If he doesn't, I think I will pummel him senseless and then buy it, whether i have the money or not, and given my missing work, I really won't have the extra cash.
I need to figure something out...Make a plan and stick with it. That's hard to do though.