an apology:
To those I know, those I know by acquaintance and those I hold closely in my heart:
I've not been the most vocal person as of late. My journal has become as much a reflection of myself as my mood lately, turning my thoughts to myself rather than the world. I do this at and because of the very strange point of existence I find myself in. Thoughts, emotions, needs, vulnerabilities are all coming into crystal clear focus and hazily fogged all at once. Thing is, I'm not quite sure I know who I am anymore.
Take this journal, for example. For so long it's been only the bits of me I wanted to show to the world, forcing any who for some reason viewed it to see only what I projected. It even started under the guise of a different person, someone I wanted to be desperately with a different name, and an angel's face. The parts of the monstrosity that was me were to me too ugly to even bare to myself. Too shameful. Too pathetic.
For years, hell my whole life I've bared my true self to very few people. My thinking, I suppose, is the less people can see you, the less they can look away.
But now, well now I have the feeling of a new lease on life. Instead of being the cowardly girl who ran from everything, including her very own mind, I'm slowly emerging from my cocoon. One tentative toe at I time I release the fears I have of the world, perhaps a bit battle worn and scarred than when I was a babe, but better for it.
It's because of this I've turned my thoughts inward. Changing from one species to another is not only tough work, but requires a bit of concentration. I feel selfish, I've been at the least a good listener all of my life and many of my friends are going through life changes as well.
So I ask only for a little time. I realize that not everyone reading this will have any idea what I'm talking about, but to those few that really hear me, please wait for me. I care deeply about each of you, and though I may be unavailable or unresponsive for a while I promise to emerge from this stronger than ever before. I'll even dazzle you with my wings.
Love,
Sam
I've not been the most vocal person as of late. My journal has become as much a reflection of myself as my mood lately, turning my thoughts to myself rather than the world. I do this at and because of the very strange point of existence I find myself in. Thoughts, emotions, needs, vulnerabilities are all coming into crystal clear focus and hazily fogged all at once. Thing is, I'm not quite sure I know who I am anymore.
Take this journal, for example. For so long it's been only the bits of me I wanted to show to the world, forcing any who for some reason viewed it to see only what I projected. It even started under the guise of a different person, someone I wanted to be desperately with a different name, and an angel's face. The parts of the monstrosity that was me were to me too ugly to even bare to myself. Too shameful. Too pathetic.
For years, hell my whole life I've bared my true self to very few people. My thinking, I suppose, is the less people can see you, the less they can look away.
But now, well now I have the feeling of a new lease on life. Instead of being the cowardly girl who ran from everything, including her very own mind, I'm slowly emerging from my cocoon. One tentative toe at I time I release the fears I have of the world, perhaps a bit battle worn and scarred than when I was a babe, but better for it.
It's because of this I've turned my thoughts inward. Changing from one species to another is not only tough work, but requires a bit of concentration. I feel selfish, I've been at the least a good listener all of my life and many of my friends are going through life changes as well.
So I ask only for a little time. I realize that not everyone reading this will have any idea what I'm talking about, but to those few that really hear me, please wait for me. I care deeply about each of you, and though I may be unavailable or unresponsive for a while I promise to emerge from this stronger than ever before. I'll even dazzle you with my wings.
Love,
Sam