cooking a fucking thing.. with pictures.
So, I had the idea, instead of getting drunk BEFORE I cook, why not do it during.. and well, document the dinner I make?!
so here it is.
there are a lot of pictures.. but seeing how most of ya'll are on the facebook.. I ain't gonna cut-tag SHIT! I will use the small pics tho.. and if you wanna go n look 'em up real close then you can ok? Don't cry at me.. does your vagina hurt? So sorry.
first thing you do is set the fucking temp. ok?
then you get out the fucking awesome and wonderful bread that is SOURDOUGH CHEDDAR BREAD! from Trader Joes. trust me.. it is the bread that which jesus woulda used.
then you get one of the many limes you have. WHY?!? BECAUSE! goddamn it! you are gonna do some goddamn shots with this! ok? lookit how green and pretty it is. CHRIST it's lovely!
then you go and get some music. You can turn on the radio.. you can play a record.. I DON"T fucking care. I am using Ol' Crackles here.. Ol' Crackles had a trip to VEGAS that, well.. you see how Ol'Crackles is messed up right?? we won't speak of it.
goddamn son of a bitch! it is time! your first shot..! I had one, and you gotta do the same! don't CRY! just fucking do it.
the sourdough! in the compressor PROSCESSOR! it goes!! IT GOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and now for the big guns. The fucking BLUE CHEESE and the FUCKING ASPARAGUS. ok? use them. Trust me.
while you are at it.. have another shot. DO IT!
now get you some asparagus! And don't mind that - the cutting board you are using is the one that had the limes on it. USE IT!
You love them. Don't lie. Because I know you do. I'm so drunk right now.. I don't even know where they came from!
right about now is a good time to also crack open a beer. I'm just saying. I had one. What, are you saying I have a problem??
now chop the shit outta them asparaguses-is-essesssususs.. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! what it the plural for ASPARAGUS?!?
un wrap that blue cheese. Now look at it. LOOK AT THAT MOLD! you are going to eat it! and it is going to be good!
I SAID LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!
now cut that shit in half. What am I crazy? fuck no I ain't gonna use the whole hunk! jesus.. I wanna use it later on.. and this shit ain't cheap!!
now crumble that shit UP! and good! and then load it onto yer chopped up ASPARAGUS! goddamn this cheeeeeeese!
in the mixer it all goes!
STUFFING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so amazing.. and so good.. oh, the goodness..
this is a behind the scenes shot.. YESH! I washed my own cutting board! This ain't no fucking fancy ASS food netwerk show.. FUCK NO I do my own stunts! bitches! I gotta have a clean board for the chickens!!
ALL NATURAL..! bitches! these titties are REAL! you hear me REAL!!!
see.. what did I tell you about my own stunts! FUCK! you thought I was lying right?!?!?!?! NOOOoo I straight up washed my own tits! you fuckers!!!
and not only did I wash my own tits!!!! I had to dry them off with.. NAPKINS!!! because look who has no fucking papertowels!! you think napkins work.. ?? WELL YOU ARE WRONG!!!! they stick and make a mess..!
don't look at my Bananas. I didn't say you could!
and since I was in such pain.. on not having PAPERTOWELS.. I had another shot.
LADIES AND GENTLETMEN! now is the time in-which we BEAT OUR MEAT!!! We pound the SHIT outta that!
SEE??? all pounded!
now to the fun part! WHAT? like the pounding I gave my meat wasn't fun! sure it was! it was hella fun!!! but there is lots more fun to be had!!! like with this here pepper!
fun fun fun fun fun fun! so much fun. No really spooning out stuffing onto pounded out chicken titties IS SO MUCH FUCKING FUN! where the fuck is my drink and my stunt double?
ok, so you should have more asparagus right? you got that big ass jar from mysteries of the beyond.. and you might be drunk.. and can't remember.. Was it Costco? I don't know. Anyhoo.. LAY them spears DOWN ON YER SHIT! 3 of them!
then you get yer toothpicks.. because, well STRING IS FOR TAMPONS!!! Goddamn it! you don't need no fucking kitchen twine/string shit! just use the goddamn toothpicks!
close them birds up!
in the dish they go! and YESH I made 2 of 'em! one for me.. and one for the husband.. just cus I didn't show you the making of - of the second.. oh fuck you can just imagine it as A FAIRY CHICKEN TITTY OR SOMETHING!
now lay up some garlic pepper all over yer tits. Do it. You will get so much play from this shit.. it's not even funny. This is what brings the boys to the yard!
and while you are at it pour it on!! OH SEXY! all over them titties! yeah baby! all up on them titties oil 'em on up!
again with the washing.. you used that there knife on yer tits.. now wash it up! for fucks sakes! yer gonna be cutting other things with it!!
remember these guys? well they get to make a guest appearance on my dinner!!!
slice 'em up!!!
now pile that crap on there.. go on do it. you should have stuffin' left over.. and then you are gonna wanna lay yer bebe tomatoes all up on that shit.
MONEY SHOT!!!! of hot alien tomato goo!!!!
Imna have another shot.
you might wanna have another too.
FOR FUCKS SAKES WOMAN!!! ARE YOU DONE?!?!??!?!?! Jesus.. this is long. I don't care... I'm drunk and you can deal with it.
here.. ok? I put the fucking tits into the stove! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!??!?!
you got 40 minutes. ok? 40 fucking minutes.. I don't care what you do.
this is the I'm fucking DONE shot. ok? for the record I had 5! plus a beer.. and then another beer after it was all done.. and now I'm on my 3rd beer!
and... TA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
I had a pic of them all nice on the plates.. but I guess I was too drunk to notice they didn't get uploaded! OH WELLL!!!
imna go pass out now!!!
so here it is.
there are a lot of pictures.. but seeing how most of ya'll are on the facebook.. I ain't gonna cut-tag SHIT! I will use the small pics tho.. and if you wanna go n look 'em up real close then you can ok? Don't cry at me.. does your vagina hurt? So sorry.
first thing you do is set the fucking temp. ok?
then you get out the fucking awesome and wonderful bread that is SOURDOUGH CHEDDAR BREAD! from Trader Joes. trust me.. it is the bread that which jesus woulda used.
then you get one of the many limes you have. WHY?!? BECAUSE! goddamn it! you are gonna do some goddamn shots with this! ok? lookit how green and pretty it is. CHRIST it's lovely!
then you go and get some music. You can turn on the radio.. you can play a record.. I DON"T fucking care. I am using Ol' Crackles here.. Ol' Crackles had a trip to VEGAS that, well.. you see how Ol'Crackles is messed up right?? we won't speak of it.
goddamn son of a bitch! it is time! your first shot..! I had one, and you gotta do the same! don't CRY! just fucking do it.
the sourdough! in the compressor PROSCESSOR! it goes!! IT GOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and now for the big guns. The fucking BLUE CHEESE and the FUCKING ASPARAGUS. ok? use them. Trust me.
while you are at it.. have another shot. DO IT!
now get you some asparagus! And don't mind that - the cutting board you are using is the one that had the limes on it. USE IT!
You love them. Don't lie. Because I know you do. I'm so drunk right now.. I don't even know where they came from!
right about now is a good time to also crack open a beer. I'm just saying. I had one. What, are you saying I have a problem??
now chop the shit outta them asparaguses-is-essesssususs.. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! what it the plural for ASPARAGUS?!?
un wrap that blue cheese. Now look at it. LOOK AT THAT MOLD! you are going to eat it! and it is going to be good!
I SAID LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!
now cut that shit in half. What am I crazy? fuck no I ain't gonna use the whole hunk! jesus.. I wanna use it later on.. and this shit ain't cheap!!
now crumble that shit UP! and good! and then load it onto yer chopped up ASPARAGUS! goddamn this cheeeeeeese!
in the mixer it all goes!
STUFFING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so amazing.. and so good.. oh, the goodness..
this is a behind the scenes shot.. YESH! I washed my own cutting board! This ain't no fucking fancy ASS food netwerk show.. FUCK NO I do my own stunts! bitches! I gotta have a clean board for the chickens!!
ALL NATURAL..! bitches! these titties are REAL! you hear me REAL!!!
see.. what did I tell you about my own stunts! FUCK! you thought I was lying right?!?!?!?! NOOOoo I straight up washed my own tits! you fuckers!!!
and not only did I wash my own tits!!!! I had to dry them off with.. NAPKINS!!! because look who has no fucking papertowels!! you think napkins work.. ?? WELL YOU ARE WRONG!!!! they stick and make a mess..!
don't look at my Bananas. I didn't say you could!
and since I was in such pain.. on not having PAPERTOWELS.. I had another shot.
LADIES AND GENTLETMEN! now is the time in-which we BEAT OUR MEAT!!! We pound the SHIT outta that!
SEE??? all pounded!
now to the fun part! WHAT? like the pounding I gave my meat wasn't fun! sure it was! it was hella fun!!! but there is lots more fun to be had!!! like with this here pepper!
fun fun fun fun fun fun! so much fun. No really spooning out stuffing onto pounded out chicken titties IS SO MUCH FUCKING FUN! where the fuck is my drink and my stunt double?
ok, so you should have more asparagus right? you got that big ass jar from mysteries of the beyond.. and you might be drunk.. and can't remember.. Was it Costco? I don't know. Anyhoo.. LAY them spears DOWN ON YER SHIT! 3 of them!
then you get yer toothpicks.. because, well STRING IS FOR TAMPONS!!! Goddamn it! you don't need no fucking kitchen twine/string shit! just use the goddamn toothpicks!
close them birds up!
in the dish they go! and YESH I made 2 of 'em! one for me.. and one for the husband.. just cus I didn't show you the making of - of the second.. oh fuck you can just imagine it as A FAIRY CHICKEN TITTY OR SOMETHING!
now lay up some garlic pepper all over yer tits. Do it. You will get so much play from this shit.. it's not even funny. This is what brings the boys to the yard!
and while you are at it pour it on!! OH SEXY! all over them titties! yeah baby! all up on them titties oil 'em on up!
again with the washing.. you used that there knife on yer tits.. now wash it up! for fucks sakes! yer gonna be cutting other things with it!!
remember these guys? well they get to make a guest appearance on my dinner!!!
slice 'em up!!!
now pile that crap on there.. go on do it. you should have stuffin' left over.. and then you are gonna wanna lay yer bebe tomatoes all up on that shit.
MONEY SHOT!!!! of hot alien tomato goo!!!!
Imna have another shot.
you might wanna have another too.
FOR FUCKS SAKES WOMAN!!! ARE YOU DONE?!?!??!?!?! Jesus.. this is long. I don't care... I'm drunk and you can deal with it.
here.. ok? I put the fucking tits into the stove! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!??!?!
you got 40 minutes. ok? 40 fucking minutes.. I don't care what you do.
this is the I'm fucking DONE shot. ok? for the record I had 5! plus a beer.. and then another beer after it was all done.. and now I'm on my 3rd beer!
and... TA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
I had a pic of them all nice on the plates.. but I guess I was too drunk to notice they didn't get uploaded! OH WELLL!!!
imna go pass out now!!!