worth less
hmmm. i am hesitant to write in here. i don't think its going to be very pleasant material. only time i ever feel like writing anything is when i feel the horrible way i do now. i am in a dark depression again. one thing i dont give a damn about is pity or sympathy. so why write about it? I don't know. Maybe to pretend someone is listening. Same boring advice, same dismal outcome. It never helps, its all my own fault, and the hope of that changing is bleek at best. AT BEST. so why bother writing. hmph.
I really dont think life can get any worse, and then it always does. I still have some things that can be ripped away. Health for one. Housing, family. But inside me is allllll pain. I'm so tired of hiding it. I'm so sick of pretending to be the happy andrew, making his pathetic silly jokes, that just make me a fucking joke in the end. No one to take seriously, but good for a lil entertainment every now and then. That's who i am. ugh. yeah, i am down on myself. being this way is mostly the stupid self esteem issue. but it is partly from exdperience as well. I know I'm supposed to interpret events in the best possible way to say that i am doing well. But cmon. Sometimes it can't be helped. When people treat you like you don't matter, like you are insignificant, like you are just a sideshow to life, then what other fucking conclusion are you going to draw from it? How are you supposed to put a positive spin on that. Let me see.....hmmm.....yer supposed to say "who cares what they think" right? HAHA> thats such a line of crap. Everyone cares what people think. I could fool myself into some false bliss if i foloowed that shit. Yeah its possible. But it only lasts a few days until something comes along to tear away that fake layer of confidence. Then i'm right back where i started, feeling disgusting. Why waste the time of a fake front over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. That's what learning is. You take your experiences and make them add up to a conclusion, a fact. The fact is that I am a nobody.
It's such a plague to be alive in the united states. plagued by beautiful people and their so called problems. "i dont know who i should go out with today, i like this guy, but this other guy is so cute and i want to fuck him so b ad" yeah thats such a problem, let me get a kleenex. bitch. They go through life having everything beacuse they are rich, they are beautiful, or both. Parties, sex, drugs, shopping, road trips. people just look at them and because they are beautiful, they will do whatever the person wants. they can get jobs easier. have you ever met a beautiful person who had trouble getting a job? dont lie. i hate them to tell you the truth. yeah you can call it jealousy. i know that it is. i dont care. i covet the life they lead. having people constantly fawning over you, telling you how hot you are. making concessions for you, cutting corners, offering you things. thats what it is to be beautiful and rich. fucking assholes. the rest are left to struggle in their shadow.
People are inherently evil. that is a fact. every day i live it just comes out more how much contempt i have for the disgusting and pathetic human race. I'm not some fucking saint either. we are all WORTHLESS. Theres no real compassion for the hollidays. I just got in a fight with my mom because of presents. PRESENTS. she is returning all our presents because she says we dont have money, and yet she bought herself a treadmill for 1000 and new china for 400. her argument is "dad left thsi money for me, not for me to be spending on all of you. you are supposed to have your own families and your own lives" and you know what. I can't argue with that. It is so pathetic that I still live here at home, getting my mom to cook me dinner every day like some fucking little baby. I am thirty years old this may. is this even a life? what has become of me?
see what i mean? i cant even articulate all the things that are bothering me. theres so many things. i barely have the heart to breathe these days. for example, my lifelong devistating battle with the admittance to the social world. I have always been cast out of this world of having friends, having girlfriends, having places to go on the weekend, people to hang out with, intimate relationships. I have had shit. And i know i know, everyone loves to tell me its myown fault fucking a i know that already. thats just added weight for the sinking demise. I'm not denying that. I dont deserve it. I don't deserve to have a girlfriend. It's not like i talk to girls when i see them. I just suffer instantly. oh yes. it is the most horrific suffering that can be felt. To break into a million pieces every time you notice a beautiful girl, and you are involuntarily enraptured in that same beauty, but simultaneously eradicated from existence, with the acknowledgement that you mean nothing to her, that you are dramatically inferior, that you have no right to her, or capability to reverse this disintegration that befalls you all in that one instant, that second of time it takes for this whole process. and its not just once, but over and over and over. it rurns inside you and you feel the misery of knowing someone else is capable. someone is better than you and does get to have this girl. comeone understands the social nuiances and graces, the trunf of phrase, the flirtatious wizardry it requires. hahaha. but lets get really real, its more a question of "chemistry" isnt it. chemistry....a topic i'll get into later. What really happens in social circles is a determination of how hot you are. how sexually appealing is this person? would i want to fuck them eventually? dont even lie. subconsciously that is what all these people operate on. attractions. "oh i am attracted to shi mind and his personality" bulllllllllllll shit. just tell the truth guys and girls. asking for the truth is probably the most futile thing i could do. no one is attracted to personalities, cuz if they were, i dont think i'd be in this predicament. yeah thats right. i said it. Its about looks. It doesnt help that I despise my own physical appearance. Looking in the mirror for me is like looking at a curse. im not white for one thing. that accounts for fifty percent of the problem in this fucking white people world. ugh. dont get me started on my racism. but its true. I hate how they try to deny it. how many of you would fuck a chinese dude tomorrow? yeah i thought so. dont even lie. then of course there is clothes, which i have the shittiest taste in. i know what you wear should give you confidence right? confidence is KEY. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA that is so hillarious. its all about looking fuckable. fucking whores. dont waste my time lecturing me on how noble people are. they arent. its all basic instinct. the vile human race revolves on it. basic primal evil disgusting instinct.
So thats how i've led my life. I didnt start out with this attitude. I acme to it by experiences. I never knew how to perform or say the right things in this game. I never knew how to dress, how to act superior. So i've suffered. long suffered. high school.....all my friends were in ninth grade when i was a senior. i never went to any dances, i never went to parties and got drunk and fucked like i was supposed to like you guys. I didnt have issues about which girl i should be doing. hahahahahaha it makes me so fucking sick to hear it over and over again from people. they always gravitate to the one person that least deserves them. the person thats going to treat them like this, but is fantastically ...what? yes fuckable. so following this biography, i lamented it with a oceans worth of tears, for many years (that rhymes im sorry). after high school we had the delight of college (and forgive me, i know i'm self obssessed and tell this story over and over and over) my dad gets me an apartment off campus. mainly cuz i didnt like the dorms, but socially a no-no. i should have stayed in the shitty dorms and made friends. got laid, partied. oh well. having your own place should have helped that too. but we're talking about indian dinakar college student. haha. who even regards the india guy as worth a shit socially? its hillarious. fucking seven eleven piece of shit. go become a engineer. so i suffered at college needless to say. heart breaking daily in increments. you'd think that if you cant have a social life, you'd pour that energy into studies. so thats what i did for the first semester of college. got straight a's. deans list. parents proud. me ............somewhat empty. sure there was a bit of pride in acheiving something, but it wasnt a real test. firest semester is simple for most people. Basics of english, calculus sutff, maybe an elective or two. big whoop right. haha. maybe they saw it as the future. I knew better. one time in from of the chemistry hall, i was reading my chem book on a bench, and this girl came and sat next to me. she was so incredibly hot and i didnt know what to make of it, but she started up a conversation. maybe she was just as lonesome as i was. but i discounted it immediately. haha. its pathetic that i even remember her, but its like i've held on to that one memory like its a prescious statue that indiana jones should be figthing indians over. i mean come on, everytime it happens, and it h as happened, that a girl of "fuckable" status approaches me i have discounted it immediately and played it like i am protecting myself from delusions by knowing she doesnt like me that way, or could ever. dont get carried away, i'd say this happens once in two years. but still. i have digressed from teh meaning of this biography. By the time of that story, i was already 19, and still a guy that had never been on a date, never even kissed a girl, nothing. yet the harsh and bitter fact was that it was in my face all the time. in the malls, watching guys and girls makin out, watching the life around me through the glass wall i erected. fucking a. theres few more horrific times than that. i used it to kill myself. i stabbed that person i saw in the mirror like he was a fucking worthless nothing. i walked the college campus like an apparition, knowing i was invisible to detection, just a ghost aomong the living. heavy eyes, heavy shoulders, watching the sidewalk to avoid eye contact. i mean i was cheerful if spoken to, to hide my depression the b est i could, htough it was obvious. who would want me now, i've evolved into something worse than ugly, i was ugly and depressed. i began to sacrifice to this god of depression. i started missing mid terms, and started to find myself in the professors office, begging for a retake, begging for more time on this or that. making grand and eloquent appeals. but they soon lost effectiveness, when it was clear a pattern was forming......i was losing my future. Till the last semester ...where i got straight F's. I was lving alone in a two story house then, that belonged to my professor who asked me to live there whilie he was away in malaysia. and i was just....there. completely alone and crying a lot. because i knew i'd never have what it takes to be happy. i still know that today. i still do. man versus himself is one of the epic struggles in literature and life, and it was my cosmic responsibility to be a everlasting personification of this conflict. i should have gotten a crown. king nothing as metallica might have added. haha.
you see, after a while, depression becmes in its own way, a thing of beauty. no one can appreciate this feeling, its only me who is this low. i have been wronged, i am the darkest soul. you b egin to relish this feeling, as a crutch. its a friend. it understands. its familiar, and the pain hurts sooo sooo good. living a dark life or self pity and evil resentment and coveting and every conceivable negative emotion or attitude that i fail to mention. depression. suicidal tendencies made a great summation of this in their song "depression and anguish" like two best friends. i lived in that room in that house, with no one to invite over, no one to hang with. And having no firends in college doesnt just hurt you emotionally, but in studies. No one to study with, no one to remind you of the test time, etc. you are in a bind.
but thats how i lived. so fucking bitterly alone. hating my only company, the guy in the mirror. it really destroyed me that i never would have anyone gf wise. i am amale after all. i have the same disgusting mating desires. was i to remain this castrated eeunuch indefinitely? it began to dawn on me that it was distinctly possible that this existence i had was permanent. i would never have anyone, i would always be alone. i already lost out on the regular adolescent experience. the time where you are supposed to hone your social skills. but i was too aloof. I committed to school work and got good grades. even good grades couldnt save me now with all those f's. m y gpa dropped to a point where they said bye and i got ousted from school. hmm
i came to live with my parents in arizona. got a job at a grocery store being a bagger at 20. how great for me. i made friends there though, people who i'm still friends with today. it was a fun job and we had a lot of laughs, and socially, i started to go to these parites, even started drinking for a while. haha. i was twenty and never drank a beer. but so be it, i was still morbidly depressed. didnt have any girls, but i hda to go out with all my friends who all had a gf. and i had to be that one guy that had no one. good to have around, he tells some nice jokes, hes a "good guy" but like the lesson....is not fuckable. so yeah, i saw what its like to have a girlfriend up close, but i didnt get to have one. that killed me everyday. more worthless emo tears hahaha. yeah it deserves someone to laugh at those fucking pathetic tears. pussy. i dont begrudge any of you for thinking that. it just was always not mine. everyone was someone elses. never mine. going to those parties and watching people literally hook up from being strangers. i tried i tried, but never me. it would just happen over and over that i got passed over and i had to watch it in front of my face. suppose for example three guys go out and we meet two girls. i had the priveledge of being the guy that didnt get a girl . not once, but always. consistantly, the fucking worthless india guy. ugly piece of shit. that wears on your sould. you begin to understand how it is to be the least desireable person in any circumstance. dont even get into masturbations (yeah surprise surprise i do that too) and how miserable that is. everytime it just kills you how worthless you are.
and the length of those paragraphs exceeds the threshold of interest, and i apologize, but thanks for coming along this far. all of that was just tosay, i've lived this pattern, and i dont see it changing. not from within, not from whithout. Im not going to suddenly delude myself with a few choice phrases in a book or some cliche words of advice that somehow become a credo or motivating force. its not going to happen. the power of experience is such that it cant be controverted. i have lived through the pain, and i can't erase that. sure i had those two and a half years with jen, but were they good years? everyone around me could notice that i was just settling. she treated me bad sometimes and everyone knew that. bossing me around etc eftc. hmm how i cried over losing her. jen was the only girl that ever had the nerve to be in love with me, even if just for that short time before she destroyed me completely. someone that paused long enough to see something worthwhile in me. she wants me back too. haha. never never never. but also consider, its been 3 years since i was with jen. i have nothing, NOTHING since that. all girls that became my friend and not girlfriend. three years. and i hear people online bitching that they havent been laid in a week. ugh. so thats what i have for a history. one girlfriend and still a virgin. thirty years old. now i cant forget to mention that i am blessed with the disease Stargardts disease, that took away my vision. .....lets go there....
you know part of why i failed at school is that i was going blind. around 19-20, i got the diagnoses of stargardts disease, a form of retinal degeneration that has no cure. retinal cells are u nique. they do not regenerate when they die. that is why stem cell research is so important. stem cells can be turned into any cell. liver cells, buttbone cells lol even retinal cells. anyways....i have this disease that has taken my life away i mean my sight. i can't drive anymore because i got in a car wreck and was only saved by a airbag. after that i said no more. i used to b e such a awesome driver. so i have lost a lot of my freedom. my mom drives me places now which is humiliating enough but is a burden on her. she cant do freeways either. i am largely dependent. when i'm at restaurants i cant read menus or signs anywhere. it is horrible. people think i'm stupid when i'm not, because i cant read from sight difficulty, not mislearning. ugh. i cant get a job because of this too. i havent had a job in a year and a half. well, i had one, but that job lasted two weeks before they fired me for being too blind. so now i have no college education and a disability. the social security department however has told me i'm not disabled enough to not owrk, so that is great. cant get disability and cant get a job. where does that leave me?????? sitting at home in my moms house mortified about my life. no girl, no job, no vision. im going to be blind and alone. im fighting, but barely have the heart anymore. i see how the world is and its not favorable.
man i wish i could cnvey things better. i know this is not supposed to be some persuasive paper. I just want to be able to say the exact feelings i'm goin through and pretend in some way it matters. I have my religion at least, for which i'm always derided and teased. People are so stupid to think that religion has to be proven by the feeble logic of men. as if men have any power outside of "reason". men ar edisgusting and worthelss creatures. people would prefer to think that they were the outcome of random genetic mistakes and evolution, and then die into nothingness. thats how much they oppose religion. i have no respect for these people. its pathetic. they want to make up their own rules of existence so that there is no consequence to anything they do, but the second they are falling off a cliff they hell OH GOD. hahaha. so pathetic. Men are nothing without God. You can't sit there and ask for proof on something that is based on faith. Let me ask them, what is falf of one? .5? well smarty, what is half of .5, .25? dont they see the fact is that the eventual end to this line of questioning is infinity? can man understand infinity? time has no definite and absolute origination. time didnt "begin" you idiots. it walways was. space cannot be quantified you pathetic morons. the capacity for a feeble human being to understand these things is bound to logic and reason. well the whole fram of existence cannot be logic and reason. there is no answer for concepts like infinity outside of God. then they have the nerve to celebrate Christmas. It pisses me off. Tehy always want to paint Christians as judgemental, but more often than not, i find myself under attack from people for being Christian. I never persecute them for their beliefs, i just think them silently, and hope they come around. ugh anyways, faith does help provide a source of unceasing hope for the future. hope is the worst thing though cuz it just leads to continual disappointment so far as i've seen, but i hold on to it regardless. I dont think myfaith should be criticized by people though. It's not weakness to believe in something, its strength.
this whole country is such a shitty country. people with egos and impatience and just....evil. voting bush into office again after all the crap he's done, sending people to die in that coutnry so that he can look like a fake hero. It disgusts me that anyone would follow and say hes a great leader. i hate bush and everything he stands for. he is a imbecile and a vile person. republicans make life worse. i see them. i dont even have to ask who they are. i know. and i hate the way they are.
it sure doesnt help much that my mom reminds me that i only live with her by grace and that she can kick me out whenever she wants. ugh. if i could get a damn job, and if i could drive myself around i would get the hell out of here. they tell me to pick something im interested in and continue with it, but then they tell me a degree in chemistry is stupid, i wont get a job with it, and im too stupid to finish it. see what i have to deal with? between 2 sisters and a mom, i have enough negative influence to stay self defeated
man i dont know why i even bothered to write this. i didnt even say half of what i am feeling. i'll just end it here. i cried a lot last night thinking of my dad, and how these holidays have been without him, nad his jokes and stuff.h aha. i miss you dad very much. i am embarassed at how i am. i am embarassed of these perceptions i have of the world, and this bad thought patterns. Im embarassed for admitting how weak i am as a person. i hate it. and yeah, people are right when they say i'm the only one that can make things better, but at the same time, i know that i wont. i knwo i'll try for a while then get pissed off again and be back here. how do i know? cuz thats the way its always been, and always will be. my efforts are always forced back by the reality of how the world really works. ugh.
I really dont think life can get any worse, and then it always does. I still have some things that can be ripped away. Health for one. Housing, family. But inside me is allllll pain. I'm so tired of hiding it. I'm so sick of pretending to be the happy andrew, making his pathetic silly jokes, that just make me a fucking joke in the end. No one to take seriously, but good for a lil entertainment every now and then. That's who i am. ugh. yeah, i am down on myself. being this way is mostly the stupid self esteem issue. but it is partly from exdperience as well. I know I'm supposed to interpret events in the best possible way to say that i am doing well. But cmon. Sometimes it can't be helped. When people treat you like you don't matter, like you are insignificant, like you are just a sideshow to life, then what other fucking conclusion are you going to draw from it? How are you supposed to put a positive spin on that. Let me see.....hmmm.....yer supposed to say "who cares what they think" right? HAHA> thats such a line of crap. Everyone cares what people think. I could fool myself into some false bliss if i foloowed that shit. Yeah its possible. But it only lasts a few days until something comes along to tear away that fake layer of confidence. Then i'm right back where i started, feeling disgusting. Why waste the time of a fake front over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. That's what learning is. You take your experiences and make them add up to a conclusion, a fact. The fact is that I am a nobody.
It's such a plague to be alive in the united states. plagued by beautiful people and their so called problems. "i dont know who i should go out with today, i like this guy, but this other guy is so cute and i want to fuck him so b ad" yeah thats such a problem, let me get a kleenex. bitch. They go through life having everything beacuse they are rich, they are beautiful, or both. Parties, sex, drugs, shopping, road trips. people just look at them and because they are beautiful, they will do whatever the person wants. they can get jobs easier. have you ever met a beautiful person who had trouble getting a job? dont lie. i hate them to tell you the truth. yeah you can call it jealousy. i know that it is. i dont care. i covet the life they lead. having people constantly fawning over you, telling you how hot you are. making concessions for you, cutting corners, offering you things. thats what it is to be beautiful and rich. fucking assholes. the rest are left to struggle in their shadow.
People are inherently evil. that is a fact. every day i live it just comes out more how much contempt i have for the disgusting and pathetic human race. I'm not some fucking saint either. we are all WORTHLESS. Theres no real compassion for the hollidays. I just got in a fight with my mom because of presents. PRESENTS. she is returning all our presents because she says we dont have money, and yet she bought herself a treadmill for 1000 and new china for 400. her argument is "dad left thsi money for me, not for me to be spending on all of you. you are supposed to have your own families and your own lives" and you know what. I can't argue with that. It is so pathetic that I still live here at home, getting my mom to cook me dinner every day like some fucking little baby. I am thirty years old this may. is this even a life? what has become of me?
see what i mean? i cant even articulate all the things that are bothering me. theres so many things. i barely have the heart to breathe these days. for example, my lifelong devistating battle with the admittance to the social world. I have always been cast out of this world of having friends, having girlfriends, having places to go on the weekend, people to hang out with, intimate relationships. I have had shit. And i know i know, everyone loves to tell me its myown fault fucking a i know that already. thats just added weight for the sinking demise. I'm not denying that. I dont deserve it. I don't deserve to have a girlfriend. It's not like i talk to girls when i see them. I just suffer instantly. oh yes. it is the most horrific suffering that can be felt. To break into a million pieces every time you notice a beautiful girl, and you are involuntarily enraptured in that same beauty, but simultaneously eradicated from existence, with the acknowledgement that you mean nothing to her, that you are dramatically inferior, that you have no right to her, or capability to reverse this disintegration that befalls you all in that one instant, that second of time it takes for this whole process. and its not just once, but over and over and over. it rurns inside you and you feel the misery of knowing someone else is capable. someone is better than you and does get to have this girl. comeone understands the social nuiances and graces, the trunf of phrase, the flirtatious wizardry it requires. hahaha. but lets get really real, its more a question of "chemistry" isnt it. chemistry....a topic i'll get into later. What really happens in social circles is a determination of how hot you are. how sexually appealing is this person? would i want to fuck them eventually? dont even lie. subconsciously that is what all these people operate on. attractions. "oh i am attracted to shi mind and his personality" bulllllllllllll shit. just tell the truth guys and girls. asking for the truth is probably the most futile thing i could do. no one is attracted to personalities, cuz if they were, i dont think i'd be in this predicament. yeah thats right. i said it. Its about looks. It doesnt help that I despise my own physical appearance. Looking in the mirror for me is like looking at a curse. im not white for one thing. that accounts for fifty percent of the problem in this fucking white people world. ugh. dont get me started on my racism. but its true. I hate how they try to deny it. how many of you would fuck a chinese dude tomorrow? yeah i thought so. dont even lie. then of course there is clothes, which i have the shittiest taste in. i know what you wear should give you confidence right? confidence is KEY. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA that is so hillarious. its all about looking fuckable. fucking whores. dont waste my time lecturing me on how noble people are. they arent. its all basic instinct. the vile human race revolves on it. basic primal evil disgusting instinct.
So thats how i've led my life. I didnt start out with this attitude. I acme to it by experiences. I never knew how to perform or say the right things in this game. I never knew how to dress, how to act superior. So i've suffered. long suffered. high school.....all my friends were in ninth grade when i was a senior. i never went to any dances, i never went to parties and got drunk and fucked like i was supposed to like you guys. I didnt have issues about which girl i should be doing. hahahahahaha it makes me so fucking sick to hear it over and over again from people. they always gravitate to the one person that least deserves them. the person thats going to treat them like this, but is fantastically ...what? yes fuckable. so following this biography, i lamented it with a oceans worth of tears, for many years (that rhymes im sorry). after high school we had the delight of college (and forgive me, i know i'm self obssessed and tell this story over and over and over) my dad gets me an apartment off campus. mainly cuz i didnt like the dorms, but socially a no-no. i should have stayed in the shitty dorms and made friends. got laid, partied. oh well. having your own place should have helped that too. but we're talking about indian dinakar college student. haha. who even regards the india guy as worth a shit socially? its hillarious. fucking seven eleven piece of shit. go become a engineer. so i suffered at college needless to say. heart breaking daily in increments. you'd think that if you cant have a social life, you'd pour that energy into studies. so thats what i did for the first semester of college. got straight a's. deans list. parents proud. me ............somewhat empty. sure there was a bit of pride in acheiving something, but it wasnt a real test. firest semester is simple for most people. Basics of english, calculus sutff, maybe an elective or two. big whoop right. haha. maybe they saw it as the future. I knew better. one time in from of the chemistry hall, i was reading my chem book on a bench, and this girl came and sat next to me. she was so incredibly hot and i didnt know what to make of it, but she started up a conversation. maybe she was just as lonesome as i was. but i discounted it immediately. haha. its pathetic that i even remember her, but its like i've held on to that one memory like its a prescious statue that indiana jones should be figthing indians over. i mean come on, everytime it happens, and it h as happened, that a girl of "fuckable" status approaches me i have discounted it immediately and played it like i am protecting myself from delusions by knowing she doesnt like me that way, or could ever. dont get carried away, i'd say this happens once in two years. but still. i have digressed from teh meaning of this biography. By the time of that story, i was already 19, and still a guy that had never been on a date, never even kissed a girl, nothing. yet the harsh and bitter fact was that it was in my face all the time. in the malls, watching guys and girls makin out, watching the life around me through the glass wall i erected. fucking a. theres few more horrific times than that. i used it to kill myself. i stabbed that person i saw in the mirror like he was a fucking worthless nothing. i walked the college campus like an apparition, knowing i was invisible to detection, just a ghost aomong the living. heavy eyes, heavy shoulders, watching the sidewalk to avoid eye contact. i mean i was cheerful if spoken to, to hide my depression the b est i could, htough it was obvious. who would want me now, i've evolved into something worse than ugly, i was ugly and depressed. i began to sacrifice to this god of depression. i started missing mid terms, and started to find myself in the professors office, begging for a retake, begging for more time on this or that. making grand and eloquent appeals. but they soon lost effectiveness, when it was clear a pattern was forming......i was losing my future. Till the last semester ...where i got straight F's. I was lving alone in a two story house then, that belonged to my professor who asked me to live there whilie he was away in malaysia. and i was just....there. completely alone and crying a lot. because i knew i'd never have what it takes to be happy. i still know that today. i still do. man versus himself is one of the epic struggles in literature and life, and it was my cosmic responsibility to be a everlasting personification of this conflict. i should have gotten a crown. king nothing as metallica might have added. haha.
you see, after a while, depression becmes in its own way, a thing of beauty. no one can appreciate this feeling, its only me who is this low. i have been wronged, i am the darkest soul. you b egin to relish this feeling, as a crutch. its a friend. it understands. its familiar, and the pain hurts sooo sooo good. living a dark life or self pity and evil resentment and coveting and every conceivable negative emotion or attitude that i fail to mention. depression. suicidal tendencies made a great summation of this in their song "depression and anguish" like two best friends. i lived in that room in that house, with no one to invite over, no one to hang with. And having no firends in college doesnt just hurt you emotionally, but in studies. No one to study with, no one to remind you of the test time, etc. you are in a bind.
but thats how i lived. so fucking bitterly alone. hating my only company, the guy in the mirror. it really destroyed me that i never would have anyone gf wise. i am amale after all. i have the same disgusting mating desires. was i to remain this castrated eeunuch indefinitely? it began to dawn on me that it was distinctly possible that this existence i had was permanent. i would never have anyone, i would always be alone. i already lost out on the regular adolescent experience. the time where you are supposed to hone your social skills. but i was too aloof. I committed to school work and got good grades. even good grades couldnt save me now with all those f's. m y gpa dropped to a point where they said bye and i got ousted from school. hmm
i came to live with my parents in arizona. got a job at a grocery store being a bagger at 20. how great for me. i made friends there though, people who i'm still friends with today. it was a fun job and we had a lot of laughs, and socially, i started to go to these parites, even started drinking for a while. haha. i was twenty and never drank a beer. but so be it, i was still morbidly depressed. didnt have any girls, but i hda to go out with all my friends who all had a gf. and i had to be that one guy that had no one. good to have around, he tells some nice jokes, hes a "good guy" but like the lesson....is not fuckable. so yeah, i saw what its like to have a girlfriend up close, but i didnt get to have one. that killed me everyday. more worthless emo tears hahaha. yeah it deserves someone to laugh at those fucking pathetic tears. pussy. i dont begrudge any of you for thinking that. it just was always not mine. everyone was someone elses. never mine. going to those parties and watching people literally hook up from being strangers. i tried i tried, but never me. it would just happen over and over that i got passed over and i had to watch it in front of my face. suppose for example three guys go out and we meet two girls. i had the priveledge of being the guy that didnt get a girl . not once, but always. consistantly, the fucking worthless india guy. ugly piece of shit. that wears on your sould. you begin to understand how it is to be the least desireable person in any circumstance. dont even get into masturbations (yeah surprise surprise i do that too) and how miserable that is. everytime it just kills you how worthless you are.
and the length of those paragraphs exceeds the threshold of interest, and i apologize, but thanks for coming along this far. all of that was just tosay, i've lived this pattern, and i dont see it changing. not from within, not from whithout. Im not going to suddenly delude myself with a few choice phrases in a book or some cliche words of advice that somehow become a credo or motivating force. its not going to happen. the power of experience is such that it cant be controverted. i have lived through the pain, and i can't erase that. sure i had those two and a half years with jen, but were they good years? everyone around me could notice that i was just settling. she treated me bad sometimes and everyone knew that. bossing me around etc eftc. hmm how i cried over losing her. jen was the only girl that ever had the nerve to be in love with me, even if just for that short time before she destroyed me completely. someone that paused long enough to see something worthwhile in me. she wants me back too. haha. never never never. but also consider, its been 3 years since i was with jen. i have nothing, NOTHING since that. all girls that became my friend and not girlfriend. three years. and i hear people online bitching that they havent been laid in a week. ugh. so thats what i have for a history. one girlfriend and still a virgin. thirty years old. now i cant forget to mention that i am blessed with the disease Stargardts disease, that took away my vision. .....lets go there....
you know part of why i failed at school is that i was going blind. around 19-20, i got the diagnoses of stargardts disease, a form of retinal degeneration that has no cure. retinal cells are u nique. they do not regenerate when they die. that is why stem cell research is so important. stem cells can be turned into any cell. liver cells, buttbone cells lol even retinal cells. anyways....i have this disease that has taken my life away i mean my sight. i can't drive anymore because i got in a car wreck and was only saved by a airbag. after that i said no more. i used to b e such a awesome driver. so i have lost a lot of my freedom. my mom drives me places now which is humiliating enough but is a burden on her. she cant do freeways either. i am largely dependent. when i'm at restaurants i cant read menus or signs anywhere. it is horrible. people think i'm stupid when i'm not, because i cant read from sight difficulty, not mislearning. ugh. i cant get a job because of this too. i havent had a job in a year and a half. well, i had one, but that job lasted two weeks before they fired me for being too blind. so now i have no college education and a disability. the social security department however has told me i'm not disabled enough to not owrk, so that is great. cant get disability and cant get a job. where does that leave me?????? sitting at home in my moms house mortified about my life. no girl, no job, no vision. im going to be blind and alone. im fighting, but barely have the heart anymore. i see how the world is and its not favorable.
man i wish i could cnvey things better. i know this is not supposed to be some persuasive paper. I just want to be able to say the exact feelings i'm goin through and pretend in some way it matters. I have my religion at least, for which i'm always derided and teased. People are so stupid to think that religion has to be proven by the feeble logic of men. as if men have any power outside of "reason". men ar edisgusting and worthelss creatures. people would prefer to think that they were the outcome of random genetic mistakes and evolution, and then die into nothingness. thats how much they oppose religion. i have no respect for these people. its pathetic. they want to make up their own rules of existence so that there is no consequence to anything they do, but the second they are falling off a cliff they hell OH GOD. hahaha. so pathetic. Men are nothing without God. You can't sit there and ask for proof on something that is based on faith. Let me ask them, what is falf of one? .5? well smarty, what is half of .5, .25? dont they see the fact is that the eventual end to this line of questioning is infinity? can man understand infinity? time has no definite and absolute origination. time didnt "begin" you idiots. it walways was. space cannot be quantified you pathetic morons. the capacity for a feeble human being to understand these things is bound to logic and reason. well the whole fram of existence cannot be logic and reason. there is no answer for concepts like infinity outside of God. then they have the nerve to celebrate Christmas. It pisses me off. Tehy always want to paint Christians as judgemental, but more often than not, i find myself under attack from people for being Christian. I never persecute them for their beliefs, i just think them silently, and hope they come around. ugh anyways, faith does help provide a source of unceasing hope for the future. hope is the worst thing though cuz it just leads to continual disappointment so far as i've seen, but i hold on to it regardless. I dont think myfaith should be criticized by people though. It's not weakness to believe in something, its strength.
this whole country is such a shitty country. people with egos and impatience and just....evil. voting bush into office again after all the crap he's done, sending people to die in that coutnry so that he can look like a fake hero. It disgusts me that anyone would follow and say hes a great leader. i hate bush and everything he stands for. he is a imbecile and a vile person. republicans make life worse. i see them. i dont even have to ask who they are. i know. and i hate the way they are.
it sure doesnt help much that my mom reminds me that i only live with her by grace and that she can kick me out whenever she wants. ugh. if i could get a damn job, and if i could drive myself around i would get the hell out of here. they tell me to pick something im interested in and continue with it, but then they tell me a degree in chemistry is stupid, i wont get a job with it, and im too stupid to finish it. see what i have to deal with? between 2 sisters and a mom, i have enough negative influence to stay self defeated
man i dont know why i even bothered to write this. i didnt even say half of what i am feeling. i'll just end it here. i cried a lot last night thinking of my dad, and how these holidays have been without him, nad his jokes and stuff.h aha. i miss you dad very much. i am embarassed at how i am. i am embarassed of these perceptions i have of the world, and this bad thought patterns. Im embarassed for admitting how weak i am as a person. i hate it. and yeah, people are right when they say i'm the only one that can make things better, but at the same time, i know that i wont. i knwo i'll try for a while then get pissed off again and be back here. how do i know? cuz thats the way its always been, and always will be. my efforts are always forced back by the reality of how the world really works. ugh.