omgwtf....DDR made me cry.
Yeah..so it's been awhile since I posted or even read anything on livejournal.
I just didn't care enough anymore.
Even if anyone bothers to read my posts, no one talks to me.
So what's the point? To rant? To cry about my life? Fine.
Bachan's in the hospital. At least she mostly is. She's home for a couple days, but someone has to be there with her. She's got "cancerous cells" in her stomach. Don't know if they're benign or malignant. She's going to have to have surgery either way I believe.
I don't think that's quite sunk in yet. That she's really sick. It doesn't feel true, despite the fact that it obviously is. So I haven't gotten really depressed about that yet. I'm sure that will come in time though.
I've actually been ridiculously happy the past couple days. Which probably means that my brain decided it didn't like what's going on, so it decided to give itself a holiday.
There's no reason to be happy.
The only happy thing in my life right now is that april is talking to me again.
And that's wonderful all by itself, but not enough to actually keep me feeling happy for long.
I mean, she doesn't have tons of time to be spending with me. She does have some, and we do hang out, but I still get lonely.
Not to mention all the guys that just fall at her feet in love/lust, and I can't even find one who thinks I'm pretty much less likes me as a person.
Sure they irritate her and yes, they irritate me (partly out of anger for trying to steal my april from me again, and partly because I wish it were me that they thought hung the stars)
but that's only mildly depressing in itself.
I'm just so damn lonely.
For anyone.
Friends of either gender, Boys that actually like me as something other than a fancy sex toy, Boys that like me more than april...that's like a dream. It almost feels like back in the day with nikki. Everyone loves april...half the time I doubt they'd even notice if I vanished. On one hand I'm happy for her. The attention helps her cope with the whole divorce thing. But on the other......
No one talks to me except april and kris...and kris only talks to me if he can't get ahold of april.
Obviously my hormones are acting up a bit, but a lot of it is just all the depression I'm suppressing coming back to haunt me. April was looking through my phone the other day, and we only came up with two people we could even call to hang out with.
I wasn't too bad that day, but today I was driving home from work, and as the subject of this entry said....DDR made me cry. Worse it was the song Cowgirl of all things. lol. 20 minutes of depressing myself enough that I decided to share my stupidity with all you lovely people.
You see, between April questioning me before and the song, I thought about Bob. Bob's a nice guy I made friends with way back when. His best friend is Beaman. Who, you people may or may not remember, I dated and then had a lot of trouble with, resulting in me messing around with another of their friends, because Beaman was giving me a 6th grade breakup (basically, if I ignore you long enough you'll go away). Now, apparently in Beaman's mind he wasn't....but everyone I asked, including his friends, said he was. So, he hasn't spoken to me since he got a new girlfriend. *shrug* not really a big surprise there, but I miss him still. And I miss Bob too. Bob hasn't talked to me since the whole fiasco, and I'm afraid it's because I "hurt" his friend (Who as far as I was concerned was hurting me). I miss them both. More than that though, I miss how fucking happy I was during the "good" part of our relationship. I'm sure memory makes it seem happier than it really was but as always my search for happiness doesn't seem to be working well.
Besides, missing them makes me miss all the other people who don't have time for me, don't even remember me, or care about me at all if they do.
What am I doing wrong that makes me spend all my free time not spent with april, alone?
Not that I mind all the time. I like spending time reading and playing video games.
But I don't like the fact that I don't feel like I have the OPTION of doing anything else.
It doesn't help that I don't like myself all that much any more. I'm getting to look like I did back in the beginning of high school. A little chunky dork who no ones wants or needs.
Never mind, kids. I'm being a bit pathetic. Go read your online comics and chat with your friends. Check myspace and facebook and pretend all those people on your buddy lists really honestly give a damn about you.
I'm going to bed.
I just didn't care enough anymore.
Even if anyone bothers to read my posts, no one talks to me.
So what's the point? To rant? To cry about my life? Fine.
Bachan's in the hospital. At least she mostly is. She's home for a couple days, but someone has to be there with her. She's got "cancerous cells" in her stomach. Don't know if they're benign or malignant. She's going to have to have surgery either way I believe.
I don't think that's quite sunk in yet. That she's really sick. It doesn't feel true, despite the fact that it obviously is. So I haven't gotten really depressed about that yet. I'm sure that will come in time though.
I've actually been ridiculously happy the past couple days. Which probably means that my brain decided it didn't like what's going on, so it decided to give itself a holiday.
There's no reason to be happy.
The only happy thing in my life right now is that april is talking to me again.
And that's wonderful all by itself, but not enough to actually keep me feeling happy for long.
I mean, she doesn't have tons of time to be spending with me. She does have some, and we do hang out, but I still get lonely.
Not to mention all the guys that just fall at her feet in love/lust, and I can't even find one who thinks I'm pretty much less likes me as a person.
Sure they irritate her and yes, they irritate me (partly out of anger for trying to steal my april from me again, and partly because I wish it were me that they thought hung the stars)
but that's only mildly depressing in itself.
I'm just so damn lonely.
For anyone.
Friends of either gender, Boys that actually like me as something other than a fancy sex toy, Boys that like me more than april...that's like a dream. It almost feels like back in the day with nikki. Everyone loves april...half the time I doubt they'd even notice if I vanished. On one hand I'm happy for her. The attention helps her cope with the whole divorce thing. But on the other......
No one talks to me except april and kris...and kris only talks to me if he can't get ahold of april.
Obviously my hormones are acting up a bit, but a lot of it is just all the depression I'm suppressing coming back to haunt me. April was looking through my phone the other day, and we only came up with two people we could even call to hang out with.
I wasn't too bad that day, but today I was driving home from work, and as the subject of this entry said....DDR made me cry. Worse it was the song Cowgirl of all things. lol. 20 minutes of depressing myself enough that I decided to share my stupidity with all you lovely people.
You see, between April questioning me before and the song, I thought about Bob. Bob's a nice guy I made friends with way back when. His best friend is Beaman. Who, you people may or may not remember, I dated and then had a lot of trouble with, resulting in me messing around with another of their friends, because Beaman was giving me a 6th grade breakup (basically, if I ignore you long enough you'll go away). Now, apparently in Beaman's mind he wasn't....but everyone I asked, including his friends, said he was. So, he hasn't spoken to me since he got a new girlfriend. *shrug* not really a big surprise there, but I miss him still. And I miss Bob too. Bob hasn't talked to me since the whole fiasco, and I'm afraid it's because I "hurt" his friend (Who as far as I was concerned was hurting me). I miss them both. More than that though, I miss how fucking happy I was during the "good" part of our relationship. I'm sure memory makes it seem happier than it really was but as always my search for happiness doesn't seem to be working well.
Besides, missing them makes me miss all the other people who don't have time for me, don't even remember me, or care about me at all if they do.
What am I doing wrong that makes me spend all my free time not spent with april, alone?
Not that I mind all the time. I like spending time reading and playing video games.
But I don't like the fact that I don't feel like I have the OPTION of doing anything else.
It doesn't help that I don't like myself all that much any more. I'm getting to look like I did back in the beginning of high school. A little chunky dork who no ones wants or needs.
Never mind, kids. I'm being a bit pathetic. Go read your online comics and chat with your friends. Check myspace and facebook and pretend all those people on your buddy lists really honestly give a damn about you.
I'm going to bed.