My stupidity runs rampant.
I hate it when I feel empty inside.
When I don't feel like I'll feel anything ever again.
Of course it's just me lying to myself.
I can chase it off for a little while, but in the end I burst into tears as usual.
It's a creepy feeling, being empty.
Like your heart could stop any minute all on its own.
Like you've wrapped yourself in blankets, and made the world fuzzy and distant.
I notice I'm feeling that way mostly because I find myself staring at the ceiling thinking of nothing.
And whether you know it or not, thinking of nothing is usual quite difficult.
But when I'm feeling empty like this I can stare at the ceiling for an hour without noticing any time has past.
It's like having a dreamless daydream, if that makes any sense.
Anyway, just to note, for those of you who actually read these things,
I got an e-mail from April.
It basically said that she couldn't hang out with me because she was "trying to get her life together" and that I had "too much influence" on her.
No matter what reasoning she gave, I still believe that Jason asked her not to spend time with me because he's afraid that I'll encourage her to divorce him or cheat on him or something.
Then again maybe I have to believe that.
It's more acceptable than thinking that there's something wrong with ME.
I mean....losing my best friends one after another...
That doesn't exactly make a girl feel good about herself.
And it makes me think of the times I'd heard or heard about an adult, Nikki's mom, April's mom, Michelle's mom, Liz's mom, saying that I was a "bad influence" on their child.
And that always hurt, because I never got it.
I mean, I was always the innocent one.
The good kid.
(I know surprising right? yeah, shut up. :P )
I know I didn't have a lot of respect for authority in general,
I always hated being ordered around, and resented it a bit obviously, but if an adult asked me to do something, I'd do it.
Maybe that's what they meant.
Maybe not.
I don't know.
But when someone I care about is able to completely turn their back on me,
with or without regret, is it their fault? or mine?
Oh well, that's my venting for the day.
At least it made me able to cry again for a bit.
Crying's better than feeling dead inside sometimes.
Crying feels like you're doing something at least.
*shrug*
Love you all.
When I don't feel like I'll feel anything ever again.
Of course it's just me lying to myself.
I can chase it off for a little while, but in the end I burst into tears as usual.
It's a creepy feeling, being empty.
Like your heart could stop any minute all on its own.
Like you've wrapped yourself in blankets, and made the world fuzzy and distant.
I notice I'm feeling that way mostly because I find myself staring at the ceiling thinking of nothing.
And whether you know it or not, thinking of nothing is usual quite difficult.
But when I'm feeling empty like this I can stare at the ceiling for an hour without noticing any time has past.
It's like having a dreamless daydream, if that makes any sense.
Anyway, just to note, for those of you who actually read these things,
I got an e-mail from April.
It basically said that she couldn't hang out with me because she was "trying to get her life together" and that I had "too much influence" on her.
No matter what reasoning she gave, I still believe that Jason asked her not to spend time with me because he's afraid that I'll encourage her to divorce him or cheat on him or something.
Then again maybe I have to believe that.
It's more acceptable than thinking that there's something wrong with ME.
I mean....losing my best friends one after another...
That doesn't exactly make a girl feel good about herself.
And it makes me think of the times I'd heard or heard about an adult, Nikki's mom, April's mom, Michelle's mom, Liz's mom, saying that I was a "bad influence" on their child.
And that always hurt, because I never got it.
I mean, I was always the innocent one.
The good kid.
(I know surprising right? yeah, shut up. :P )
I know I didn't have a lot of respect for authority in general,
I always hated being ordered around, and resented it a bit obviously, but if an adult asked me to do something, I'd do it.
Maybe that's what they meant.
Maybe not.
I don't know.
But when someone I care about is able to completely turn their back on me,
with or without regret, is it their fault? or mine?
Oh well, that's my venting for the day.
At least it made me able to cry again for a bit.
Crying's better than feeling dead inside sometimes.
Crying feels like you're doing something at least.
*shrug*
Love you all.